Monday, March 06, 2006

The 78th Annual Academy Awards - Fashion & Film Review

The 78th Annual Academy Awards
Sunday, March 05, 2006

Well, they’re over. The Oscars. Hollywood’s Big Night. La crème de la crème of celluloid. We applauded our favorites, were surprised by some of the winners, mumbled a disgruntled “ho-hum” over the more obvious choices and just about BIT OUR MARTINI GLASS IN TWO OVER THE MUCH MURMURED ABOUT BUT WE DARED NOT HOPE IT WAS SO - UPSET WINNER OF THE NIGHT – “White Guilt” for Best Picture. Of course, any Academy that is still feeling guilty about not being able to award both “In the Heat of the Night” and “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner” the Best Picture Oscar way back in 1967, needs to be told that its okay to embrace the gays in lieu of the darkies now and then. Especially when their film was infinitely better. This is horrifying and shocking to us on so many levels. First and foremost – artistically, for anybody with discriminating tastes such as ours, it was clearly the least worthy nominee.

Forgiving and forgetting that non-nominees such as “The New World”, “Last Days”, “Millions”, “A History of Violence” and the sublime “Saraband” by the legendary Ingmar Bergman were far more deserving of nominations than this self sanctimonious piece of drivel. The remaining four nominees far outshone this simple diatribe on race relations that plays like a slowed down version of “The Fast and the Furious” meets a very special episode of “The Facts of Life” wherein Tootie pulls a Sandy Duncan and spits in Blair's soda after she realizes that Blair has been using the “N” word behind her massive tits. We can hardly compose ourselves sufficiently to get to our fashion round-up. Perhaps it is best that we dwell on the Oscars we felt were much deserved.

So let us first and foremost praise the Best Director of the year, and the first non-white Best Director winner in seventy eight years of Oscar history, our little spring roll of talent Mr. Ang Lee who finally copped his overdue award for last nights deserved winner “Brokeback Mountain”.

Our beloved bucking bronco bucks rode off with three Oscars for “Best Original Score”, “Best Adapted Screenplay” and one for Mr. Lee – and we applaud Oscars discriminating taste in honoring this lovely tale of lusting cowpokes. We only wish producer and scribe Diana Ossana would be more discriminating when it comes to baring her upper arm cellulite. Sheesh! We don’t normally approve of pashminas, but in this case we’ll gladly make an exception. Between those things shimming and Larry McMurtry’s turkey waddle shaking we thought the big one had finally hit the City of Angels at the exact time they were accepting their well deserved prize!

The darling and talented Reese Witherspoon reeled in her Best Actress Oscar for her rich and polished turn as June Carter Cash in “Walk the Line”. As to the ensemble she chose to sport, more later. Unfortunately.

Philip Seymour Hoffman finished eating his way thru the competition with his bravura turn as Truman Capote in “Capote” – although we would have honored the far richer and braver turn by our boy Heath Ledger in “Brokeback Mountain” – but we won’t be bitter about the ordeal.

Our pal, George Clooney beat the odds and walked off with the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his pudgy incarnation in “Syriana”. His three nominations for Best Director, Best Screenplay and his winning bid placed him firmly in the record books, and we delighted in his charming and witty acceptance speech and hold him no ill will. Although - really Jake, Paul and especially William Hurt did far better work this year. Such is the game.

Rachel Weisz pulled off the near impossible. Winning various awards for Supporting Actress when she was actually the Lead Actress in “The Constant Gardener”, a film that almost nobody saw, and fewer loved. We have no idea why the Academy and other awards went ga-ga for this star of “The Mummy” and “The Mummy Returns” (As the official Oscar announcer credited her as she waddled up to the podium.), and don’t really care. She did an alright job in a disappointing film by the director of the brilliant “City of God.” Well, congrats bitch. Enjoy your big and hopefully last moment in the limelight.

And by far and wide, our favorite moment in the surprisingly succinct evenings proceedings. (Honestly people, it came in under four hours, be grateful.) The very great Lily Tomlin and the overly nominated Meryl Streep showing up the dreadfully dismal turn by host Jon Stewart with their fucking brilliant repartee in presenting the much overlooked Robert Altman with his Lifetime Achievement Oscar for his incredible body of work. This man not only deserved the Oscar all five times he was nominated and lost, but as the montage of his films proved, his films not only endure as wonderful works on their own - but clearly marked his style as personal, unique and far more worthy of Oscars than the majority of filmmakers working today.

And to Lily and Meryl, please throw them both a pair of Oscars for their wonderfully timed and delivered Altmanesque intro. A perfect capper to his career SO FAR, and hopefully a harbinger of a real Best Director prize yet to come. Bravo! FUCKING BRAVO!!!

And now, for the real reason we are here, the fashions! Although, we should have realized from the get-go, that it would be an upsetting evening for us. Some actresses we adore for their fashion sense let us down miserably, Ziyi Zhang, we’re slanting our eyes in anger at you – and some who we had given up for lost decades ago, looked surprisingly okay – Meryl! Hull-o Meryl, who knew? First up, the winner of the much coveted “The Bloody Red Carpet Best Dressed” award:

The Best Dressed
Charlize Theron in Dior Haute Couture by John Galliano with Chopard jewelry

Fucking stunning. The whole look. And we for one are thrilled. Char had been letting us down lately, and taking for granted that she is a remarkably gorgeous woman and proud Oscar winner herself, we were hoping for the best. And she succeeded. The hairdo was a precariously over the top 60s homage to the Jean Shrimpton look of days gone by, but we applaud every last detail. The color that absolutely made her green eyes sparkle, the fabulous shoes, the daring double cross hip-hugging bandeaux, the grandiose shoulder poof which could have toppled lesser mortals, and the train which perfectly balances the overall look. Now, faithful readers will note that we are not big fans of the trains as they can be cumbersome and hackneyed, but Charlize pulled the whole damn look off brilliantly and we have nothing left to say but Huzzah!!!!

And the worst - again, with this bitch.

One Whore Time, The Worst Dressed
Reese Witherspoon in a 1955 Christian Dior, with Fred Leighton jewelry
Behind the scenes, at the pressroom Reese bragged about finding her winning-night gown in Paris. Turns out she lied. Her stylists found it. And they should be taken out behind the Vanity Fair Oscar Night Party venue and beaten to death. We adore Christian Dior, the original - bien sur, but want to punch Reese in the face for opting for such a dowdy silhouette and colorless palate. Why on earth, with all the great gowns the real Christian Dior designed, would she opt for Mamie Eisenhower’s inaugural ballgown? She should be ashamed. Especially since we were rooting for her and God Bless her, she won – but that does not excuse her fashion choices.

And how did the other Best Actress nominees fare? Not so well, as we shall see.

Delusional Housewife
Felicity Huffman in Zac Posen and Martin Katz jewels
As much as we adore her acting talent, it seems the brief fashion respite she gave us at the SAG Awards has been tossed to the curb. Ah, well. We hope she enjoyed her time in the Oscar spotlight, now back to the catfighting on your rapidly sinking day job, Mrs. Macy. Although we do think you deserve another Emmy for the fake tears you mustered up pre-show when hijacked into watching tapes of your Housewife co-stars cackle your praises! Very believable. Go with God, but please go.

Sometimes, There is Absolutely Nothing Like A Dame
Dame Judi Dench
Nothing to see her kids, moving on. (It’s Dame Judi, come on – we are not so cruel as to bludgeon an aging Dame for her tedious yet sensible fashion choices.)

Now this bint, we’d love to bludgeon . . .
Keira Knightley in custom Vera Wang - jewels by Bulgari and Roger Vivier clutch
Apparently Rachel Zoe collaborated with Miss Wang, on this mermaid wrappity do. Bitch should keep her mouth sealed. Why spread the blame? Now, three things are going on here that we just don’t care for.
1. Keira Knightley – seriously, did you see her awful performance in “Pride & Prejudice”? Goes to show you how many dirty old men are still in the Academy. Only a Viagra induced masturbatory fantasy could excuse nominating this neophyte.

2. Her hair and make-up. Waaaaaaayyyy to heavy and near operatic for a twenty year old girl. Made the poor cow look mid forties, at least.
3. The mermaid tail. The color and the nipping and tucking we could begin to get into, but the flaring lower half absolutely killed any sense of youth or beauty that this simpleton might naturally possess. And please, girls – the one and only time that mermaid dresses looked good was in the early 1950s on Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell.

And look who it is! Jane Russell

Bless her heart! Still kicking. We adore La Russell, and miss her patented brand of forceful sexiness. Today’s gals should all take a lesson from Jane and go study her early work. They should not attempt to emulate this shade of lipstick however once they are approaching Redwood status. Still, bless her heart! Love ya, Jane!

The Supporting Actress nominees fared slightly better . . .

Cute as a Bug
Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera
As our avid fans will attest to – we cast our votes with Ms. Adams. We thought she delivered the goods with her fabulous comic turn in “Junebug” and hope the Oscar nom means nothing but great things for her in the future. While we would have liked a more daring and colorful ensemble, we still think she looks good in this chocolate brown silk faille ballgown with rouched pockets and matching bustier with ribbon appliqués. Brava! Apparently the shoes were Christian Louboutin and her bag by Judith Leiber, but since they were buried deep in her pockets and tucked under the yardage, who knows?

The Glorious Losers
Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams

- in Dunhill and Vera Wang with jewels by Harry Winston
We were rooting for our boy Heath, and feel he was robbed. We would have applauded Michelle winning, but the poor gal lost too. All we have left to praise is their combined talents and the surprising notion that they looked lovely. With reservations. Now, Michelle has looked absolutely heinous recently, we still have cold shivers over the multi-tiered abortion she sported at the Tarnished Globes, but her strict diet of post-birth-I-refuse-to-eat-anything-I-said-anything-Heath-get-the-fucking-Vegemite-away-from-me, looked quite lovely in this frock. We adore the pussy cluster draping, and find it a lovely period detail, and the color is daring and a blessed relief from all the black and pale concoctions, but we are not too keen on the frilly ruffle neckline. We’ll let her slide since we feel badly they both lost to inferior performances, and she really does look fantastic for a near corpse. Moving on.

Catherine Keener in Monique Lhuillier
We don’t get it. We know, we just know for a fact that Cathy here could look stunning if she really tried. We also know that the UN could settle world hunger, genocide, wars and offer us a good price on cable TV if they really tried. It ain’t gonna happen, kids. Sad. (We still admire the hell out of you, Miss Keener.)

Constantly Annoying the Shit Out of Us
Rachel Weisz in Narciso Rodriguez. Earrings and ring by Chopard
Listen kids, the bitch won and she’s preggo. Enough. We’ll leave her alone. (We hate the dress, and hate her winning the Oscar, and hope her child gives her nothing but heartache and pain for the rest of her miserable life. Cow.) P.S. You were better in the sequel to “The Mummy”.

Dolly Parton in Robert Behar with a Judith Leiber bag
Bless her gigantic titted heart. She not only scored her second “Best Original Song” nomination, still looks great for a sixty year old, pulled off her performance with aplomb and minus any pyrotechnics or Debbie Allen back up dancers – forgetting all that, it’s Dolly-fucking-Parton people! Stand up for all three of them!!!

Taraji P. Henson
Overlooked for her terrific supporting turn in “Hustle & Flow”, she had to make due with the hearty applause for her feisty pipes during the now infamous “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp” performance. Given that she was hustled to the back for most of the song, while Memphis Gangstas battled it out with about seventy dancers decked out as skanky whores, it’s a miracle she made it past them to land her ending notes.

Debbie Allen jokes aside, we think the whores simulating hook-ups was a skootch much. Especially the fat one getting double dutied in the rear, the blonde one shooting up in the corner and was there really any need for scat?

Stale Princess
Jada Pinkett Smith in Roberto Cavalli with jewels by Cariter, H. Stern AND Lorraine Schwartz

Jesus, bitch, lighten up with the bling! You gotta hoist around three separate credits to your fucking jewels. Damn, girl. And by the way . . . where are they? That’s a lot of name dropping for such a small final effect. Unless you’re sporting diamond studded Ben Wa balls up the Happy Valley there is no reason for all the bragging.

¡Vaya con dios, pero váyase!
Salma Hayek in Atelier Versace with Levive jewelry
We are so fucking bored shitless by this top heavy Charo cum lately. Oscar nomination for “Frida” be damned, you are still a no talent triple D-cup listed former telenovela starring puta. Wait, here that siren Salma? ¡La migra! Run!

Filming “The Others, pt. II” – sans makeup.
Nicole Kidman in Balenciaga by Nicolas Ghesquière with jewels by Fred Leighton

Oh, Nicole. What’s the matter? Filming forty films a year got you down, you bony bitch? We are so tired of seeing this Pez dispenser that it would have taken a bloody miracle of couture induced magic to sway us over and this ain’t it. We have said it a hundred times, but obviously we will have to repeat it. You are actually on camera you silly bint, don’t opt for the washed out pasty white!!!!! What the hell? The dress may be Balenciaga, but it is just plain boring. And your hair resembles dried yeast. Get the fuck out of here.

Fantastic Whore
Jessica Alba in Versace, jewelry by H. Stern

You know what? This ain’t bad. It’s definitely boring, and lace has had its day – specifically in the Victorian era, placed under a teapot, but still and all this trampoline cum “C” lister could have done a lot worse.

Last Ho-liday
Queen Latifah in Carmen Marc Valvo
, we would have understood. We’re sure they make seatcovers for the back of their wagons at least big enough to cover one gigantic brown betty of yours, Queenie. Eh, what ‘cha gonna do when you outweigh the entire cast of “Crash”. Dress like a tilting-multi-tiered-black-funeral-cake, we suppose. Although she is beginning to resemble a black hole, ho, hole, whatever - you know, the whole swirling mass thingy, oh never mind. Speaking of stars.

The stars must have been terribly misaligned last night, not only for our beloved cowpokes but the nasty conflagration inflicted this triumvirate of tired twats upon us . . . yes, Virginia it’s the attack of the stultifyingly dull Jennifers . . .

We Won’t Be There for You
Jennifer Aniston in Rochas with Bulgari jewelry

The former Mrs. Pitt did not entirely embarrass herself last night, but this look is far too staid for our tastes. We know, we know . . . black is black, black is the new black, black people are in again . . . so what? A little color, gals, color!

Jennifer Lopez in Vintage Jean Dessès with Fred Leighton jewelry
Well, okay, she's colored. We know, "be careful what you wish for" and all that. We’ve seen worse. And lord knows, she’s worn ‘em. But the Bain de Soleil tanning sessions need to stop.

30 going on Has-been
Jennifer Garner in Michael Kors and Cartier jewelry
Watching the still zaftig Mrs. Affleck trip over her hem on the Oscar stage, TWICE, was sadly one of the highlights of the show last night. This gown was not. Clearly not taking a page from Michelle Williams vow to stop eating post-birth long enough to slip into a lovely frock, Miss Garner who has certainly done better, frockwise, matewise, careerwise needs to pull her shit together. But then again, she opted for Michael Kors, the sure fire deathknoll of any desperate actress. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Hey, Where’s Your Hot Brother?
Maggie Gyllenhaal in Bottega Veneta
No, seriously. Where is he? Cause this modified monk's robe, we’d rather not spend another second pondering.

Oh, there he is!

Jake, you little minx. Stop flashing that toothy grin at us, you make us positively piddle in our pumps.

Putting the Pooh in the Pu Pu Platter
Ziyi Zhang in Giorgio Armani
Oh, Ziyi. Or Zhang. Whatever. You simply dazzled us on the red carpet this past year, and now this. Well, we suppose we could blame that old leather skinned bisexual Mafioso, Giorgio and call it a day. We’ll be kind to the little yellow missy, and say it is so. (p.s. We hear tell that they are remaking “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father” – hully up, lun arong!)

Kleenex Kong
Naomi Watts in Givenchy with jewelry by David Yurman
We adore Miss Watts. We detest this gauzy nightmare. While this is the kind of dress that only a flat chested eleven year old could pull off successfully, we still have to fault our Naomi for opting to wear it. The color . . . WHAT COLOR???? God almighty, we simply hate it when the girls go for the flesh colored gowns – what is wrong with a little color, we ask you?

Okay, spoke too soon. This was Naomi’s second option for the night, after some valet lit a cigarette next to the Givenchy, and well do we really need to demonstrate how fast tissue paper can burn? We’re not really sure if the medallion on the floor is actually part of the dress. It might as well be at this point, since some sadistic queen took a perfectly acceptable floral print, attacked it with a glue gun and some of his grandma’s silk hankies and decided at that point what the dress really needed was a beaded shawl / jacket / dickie. Great. Naomi. Officially dead to us. Moving on.

We Get It – The Corpse Bride Meets the Were-Rabbit
Helena Bonham Carter

A. Being British doesn’t excuse not combing your hair. B. Being British doesn’t excuse you dressing like a fifty year old slag, even if you are one. C. You lent your lovely vocal acting charms to two of the Best Animated Feature films nominees, and did a splendid job in the winning “Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit” – perhaps you should never appear onscreen again and just stick with the voiceovers.

Lauren Hutton in YSL

First of all, it’s been twenty six years since “American Gigolo”, why are you here? Secondly, here is not a Spanish shuffleboard court on the deck of the Santa Maria, out scouting for Indian trinkets – like the cellphone carrier covering your aged twat. Talk about putting the Ho back in Arapaho . . . and lest we forget, really nice fuzzy Matador balls hanging from the hem.

What’s in a Name?
Diane Kruger in Elie Saab and Fred Leighton jewels
Maybe it’s the name Diane? Certainly the legendary Diane Keaton has been shaming the red carpets for years, and perhaps this Nazi fraulein is just cursed. But that would be so cruel considering she’s German. God wouldn’t shit twice on a person, would they? Well if He/She did, they found the right dress to wipe with. Sheesh.

Last Call!
Jane Seymour in Pamela Rolland
Well, ya crazy old cunt . . . you did it. You managed to work your husbands coattails to all the major year end awards shows, now please kindly retire to Le Jardin and continue writing your insane drivel. Bye, bye, crazy lady! Oh, Lord, we really do need to soothe our pan-seared eyeballs with something nice as we near the end . . . Oh, Hell, this'll do.

Uma Thurman in Atelier Versace with Fred Leighton jewels
Oh, Uma . . . so close and yet so far. We actually enjoying the draping and find it to be a flattering silhouette . . . but yet again, the color is so pale and listless it just makes us want to run to the nearest Michael’s and buy a packet of Rit Dye. Still, a C+ for the effort you tall drink of water you.

The Memory of All That Could Have Been, No, No, They Can't That Away From Us!
As we set to bid adieu to the 78th Academy Awards, there is still the tangy bitter taste of bile in our mouths, so we will carry on with the tradition of LaLaLand and pretend the worst didn't just happen. So, let's lift a final glass to the nominees and some of the winners - at least they got some right!

And so, in closing what else can we say about last nights show. Any group of people who decide that the normally funny Jon Stewart should suffer thru the embarrassment of bombing as Oscar host, must still be snickering at the hatchet jobs they did to Chevy Chase and David Letterman. Rehiring Debbie Allen to stage the musical numbers to “Crash” and “Hustle & Flow” – replete with cars on fire and whores cruising for Johns is a mighty big step backwards, kids. Enjoy your night, Paul Haggis – we’re watching out for you . . . and if you think the actual carjacking you experienced in real life that inspired your writing "Crashing Bore" was something, wait'll we get through with you, you bald honkie bitch. Bless you all!

The 78th Official Oscar Damage List:

Best Motion Picture of the Year – CRASH
Best Director - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN - Ang Lee
Best Actress - Reese Witherspoon for WALK THE LINE
Best Actor - Philip Seymour Hoffman for CAPOTE
Best Supporting Actress - Rachel Weisz for THE CONSTANT GARDENER
Best Supporting Actor - George Clooney for SYRIANA
Adapted Screenplay - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Original Screenplay - CRASH
Best Foreign Language Film of the Year – TSOTSI - South Africa
Best Animated Feature Film of the Year - WALLACE & GROMIT IN THE CURSE OF THE WERE-RABBIT
Achievement in Film Editing - CRASH
Achievement in Cinematography - MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
Best Costume Design - MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
Best Art Direction - MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
Achievement in Makeup - THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA
Best Music (Original Score) - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Best Music (Original Song)
Best Sound Editing - KING KONG
Best Sound Mixing - KING KONG
Best Visual Effects - KING KONG
Best Live Action Short Film - SIX SHOOTER
Best Documentary Feature - MARCH OF THE PENGUINS

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