British Academy Awards - Fashion & Film Review

The Orange British Academy Film Awards
Sunday, February 19, 2006

This past Sunday saw the presentation of the BAFTAs, merry ole England’s own Academy Awards for excellence in film. Fifty eight years ago, they handed out three measly awards, but over the years their rank and file has increased along with their notability to become one of the premiere awards in moviedom. And as for their unabashed corporate logo whoring - whatever you can say about the Oscars, they have yet to be labelled the Diet Pepsi Academy Awards. Still and all, we love the BAFTAs!

One of the most interesting quirks about comparing film awards is the categorization of some of the nominees. The BAFTAs allow for multiple acting nominations by the same performer in the same category – so a tip of the hat goes to our pal George Clooney who topped his three Oscar nods with an additional Best Supporting Actor nod for his lovely “Good Night, and Good Luck.” Sadly, he lost all four of his noms. That’s alright, Georgey – we’re always available for a good consolation fuck. And as is par for the course regarding awards shows – they don’t always agree on the size of role. Rachel Weisz, who lately has been racking up the Best Supporting Actress awards stateside, was nominated for lead Actress for her turn in “The Constant Gardener.” She lost. To our gal, Reese – who is definitely the one to beat come Oscar night for her terrific interpretation of June Carter Cash in “Walk the Line.”



But who won the Best Film Award???? Well, who do you think, you clods? Our favorite barebacking duo - the boys. Golly. Those chaps in chaps keep on lassoing those Best Pic prizes, and we just keep on applauding them. But wait, not so fast there fellas – the Brits have TWO Best Film awards. One for overall production – which went to the “Brokeback Mountain” crew.

And the other for the Alexander Korda Award for Outstanding British Film, which went to the deliciously wicked “Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit.” Kudos to director Nick Park and crew for defeating the lackluster “Pride & Prejudice” and overhyped “Gardener”! Although, we did truly enjoy the also-nominated “A Cock & Bull Story” – known across the pond as “Tristram Shandy, etc”. Go see it now!!


Anyway, the clays and the gays triumphed – pulling off wins for our future husband Jake Gyllenhaal as Best Supporting Actor, Best Adapted Screenplay and the Best Director prize to our little Taiwanese dumpling himself, Mr. Ang Lee.



Philip Seymour Hoffman stopped eating long enough to accept his Best Actor prize for “Capote”, (Here he is standing next to last years Best Actress winner, Imelda Staunton who won for her shattering role in the great "Vera Drake.") And Thandie Newton walked away with the Best Supporting Actress gold plated mask for her dismally mundane work in the equally pedestrian “Crash.” Yawn.

And speaking of yawns, onto the fashions!

Dynasty, The Movie
Charlize Theron in Lanvin
Why not just change your middle name to “Safe” and call it a day, will ya Char? Where is the daring? Where is the statuesque? Where the fuck is Nolan Miller nowadays, and why is he outfitting the “A-listers”?


We Wouldn’t Even Let Our Gardener Wear This!
Rachel Weisz in Vivienne Westwood
We understand your choices are limited when you’re about to pop the cork, and normally we would applaud any lovely lady such as Rachel for wearing a Vivienne Westwood. (We feel she has been sadly overlooked when it comes to Red Carpet finery.) But this isn’t even a dress, is it? It’s more like the dress mannequin’s pattern for an undergarment that Dame Westwood would then proceed to drape with thirty four bolts of taffeta. Oh, come back to the local pub, Vivienne Westwood, Vivienne Westwood! We miss the old, over the top, whacked out Rococo loon you once were!


Skip the Weddings, Here’s the Funeral
Kristin Scott Thomas in YSL Rive Gauche
Oh, Lordy. We just knew it was just a matter of time before the Joan Crawford syndrome would catch up with this one. We have adored Kristin’s striking acting ability and her even more striking cheekbones in the past, but have never really been able to embrace her inner shrew which has clearly burst forth in the doyenne period of her career.


Frownin' in the Rain
Heath Ledger & Michelle Williams in YSL Rive Gauche
Okay, the handsome and talented leading man on your bony arm, we love! The rest? We hate. Although, we will give the lovely Michelle credit for her acting chops and her refusal to allow any food to pass her lips until after the Oscars. Two more weeks, ‘Chelle and you can finally revert to that chipmunk faced pudgy you were back on the “Creek.” (Why is this young gal so fond of the tiered dress? Lighten up, 'Chelle!)


Two World Wars, and now This?
Diane Kruger in Dior
You gotta hand it to the Germans, they are relentless! We do think that Fraulein Kruger is a looker, or a hooker depending on the awards show – and yes, yes we understand that in the entire history of the world, no German has ever looked fashionable. So then, why bother showing up? Go pick on Austria or Poland, will ya?

A Little Back Door Action
Neve Campbell in Roland Mouret
Now, we have enjoyed Miss Campbell’s performances in the past, and we hope that she will find the appropriate vehicle to showcase her misused talents, but being forced to back into the camera should not be one of them. While we admire the attention to detail that Roland has in working so diligently on the rear panels or lack thereof of this garment, we wonder why he wasted his time since the front was so fucking boring, poor Neve was forced to pull a Linda Blair all night long in order to get some attention. Here’s a life lesson we learned the hard way after our first kegger in college – if the front ain’t much to look at, there’s only so much you can do with the back. And that’s only with a lot of lube and a little care.

The F.O.
Mischa Barton in Marchesa
We didn’t realize the BAFTAs had a category for Most Overexposed Bag of Bones Milking Her Brief Fame for a Teen Soap Opera That is Rapidly Sinking Into TV Oblivion. Congrats, Mischa! We’re voting for you.

Guess Who’s Back?
Thandie Newton in Christian Lacroix
Lacroix, sweeties. As in Christian. As in bloated Reagan-Era drapery gone wild! Whew! It’s actually been long enough, that we are kind of pleased to see his patented brand of frou frou once more as it bubbles and squeaks down the Red Carpet.


Guess Who We Still Hate?
Renee Zellweger in Carolina Herrera
We get it. You’re thin. You’re loyal to Nazi-loving bleached blonde designers. Now, get this. No amount of accolades will ever get us to enjoy your miserable puckered cowlips in anything but an actual snuff film.

Some Jokes Write Themselves . . .
Anna Wintour in Prada
What the hell else did you expect the Devil herself to wear? Although we do enjoy how the fiery fist of God has come down to Earth to punish Anna for her multitudinous sins by simultaneously smiting her with a wicked case of scoliosis, ankle bone protruding cloven hooves, back-of-the-clearance-sale-rack-Prada (Seriously, what the fuck is up with those pockets? And don’t even start us on the trim that is bravely fighting to stay glue gunned to her non-existent bustline), and the ever reliable puckered-ass face that is the trademark grimace of the matriarch of Vogue.

On the Fast Track to Sally Kirklandville
Kelly Reilly
Who we simply adored in “Mrs. Henderson Presents” should be ashamed of herself. She is far too young and talented to be dressing like one of the elder dames. This most unflattering skirt, would not look bad draped over a sofa in a Council Flat in Elephant and Castle, but paired with the hook and drape black halter top – it just skreetches lost and confused. Poor little bint, somebody throw her a look, will ya?

So Sari
Gurinder Chadha in her Pajamas?
The kitchen is in the back, ya cow! (Sorry about the cow reference, you bloated wog.) Who let the help onto the Red Carpet? Do you think those Miniature Curry Wraps are gonna roll themselves up, bitch? Ohhhhh, she’s a director. Of movies. We never woulda thunk it. And after seeing her work, we still don’t.



It’s Old Dutch for “Washed Out”
Maria Grachvogel
Now listen, girls. There is such a thing as “Old School”, which should never be confused with “Old Stool” – as Maria has. The heyday of Hollywood never resembled this. While there may be a place for Maria’s own particular brand of bland – might we suggest up her own twat? – we don’t wish to see it displayed on the Red Carpet.

Awards Crasher
Jane Seymour
Well, we give this slightly off base crone credit for riding those “Wedding Crashers” coattails all year long and well into the next! We know! We don't even mind the "Mother of the Bride" ensemble she's sporting, as long as she stays at least twenty yards away from us. Once the prairie dust settled on her eons long television series career, she should consider herself damn lucky just to be allowed out of the house. Especially after taking a gander at her batshit crazy rants on her website. Kudos, you psycho!

It Might Be Ruby, But It Ain’t Waxed!
Ruby Wax
That nutball supreme, and notorious interviewer – Ruby Wax was seen terrifying the nominees on the Red Carpet – with her taint. Good for her! With all this nonsense about Kathy Griffin and Isaac Mizrahi lately, it was about damn time somebody threw down the gauntlet and flashed some aged beaver at the paparazzi. Go, Ruby! (Just not near us, please.)

So in closing, huzzahs to all the winners (except Thandie Newton), plaudits to all the nominees (except anybody who might have worked on “Crash”) and a hearty “Pip, pip, cheerio” to the Brits for their own Academy madness. And a special shout out to our future husband Jake - you charmer you. Only two more weeks, kids! We’re so excited, we’d almost be willing to look directly under Ruby’s skirt! We said, almost. Bless you all!

The 58th British Academy Film Award winners:

FILM - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

THE ALEXANDER KORDA AWARD for the Outstanding British Film of the Year - WALLACE & GROMIT: THE CURSE OF THE WERE-RABBIT

THE DAVID LEAN AWARD for Achievement in Direction - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN - Ang Lee

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE - REESE WITHERSPOON - Walk the Line

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE - PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN - Capote

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE - THANDIE NEWTON - Crash

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE - JAKE GYLLENHAAL - Brokeback Mountain

THE CARL FOREMAN AWARD for Special Achievement by a British Director, Writer or Producer in their First Feature Film
JOE WRIGHT (Director) - Pride & Prejudice

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY - CRASH - Paul Haggis/Bobby Moresco

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN - Larry McMurtry/Diana Ossana

FILM NOT IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE - DE BATTRE MON COEUR S'EST ARRÊTÉ (The Beat That My Heart Skipped)

THE ANTHONY ASQUITH AWARD for Achievement in Film Music - MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA - John Williams

CINEMATOGRAPHY - MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA - Dion Beebe

EDITING - THE CONSTANT GARDENER - Claire Simpson

PRODUCTION DESIGN - HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE - Stuart Craig

COSTUME DESIGN - MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA - Colleen Atwood

SOUND - WALK THE LINE

ACHIEVEMENT IN SPECIAL VISUAL EFFECTS - KING KONG

MAKE UP & HAIR - THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA

SHORT ANIMATION FILM - FALLEN ART

SHORT FILM - ANTONIO'S BREAKFAST

THE ORANGE RISING STAR AWARD - James McAvoy

ACADEMY FELLOWSHIP - Lord Puttnam

THE MICHAEL BALCON AWARD for Outstanding British Contribution to Cinema
Robert (Chuck) Finch and Bill Merrell