Monday, January 30, 2006

The Guild Awards (Look for the Union Label!) - Fashion & Film Review

The Guild Awards – PGA, DGA and SAG Awards

Let’s hear it for the unions! Slap on your soiled wifebeater and grab the nearest Sharpie® and echo the iconic moment in “Norma Rae” whereupon Sally Field nabbed her first Oscar for portraying the eponymous communist sympathizer. We are here to celebrate the working actor / producer / directors who awarded their year end accolades to their respective members thereby tightening the Oscar horse derby which will announce their final nominees on Tuesday morning! Pay attention, since their respective members echo the Academy’s membership, they all have an excellent track record for matching the final Golden Boy outcome.

The 17th Annual Producers Guild Awards

While this group may have had its antecedents in 1950, they finally got around to presenting their annual awards circa 1990. This year, they chose to bestow their top award on that infamous “Gay Cowboy” flick “Brokeback Mountain” for its stunning emotional impact and artistic flair. Brava!

And no, we still don't know what bizarre kind of "Gay Baiting Laurel & Hardy" schtick the boys were doing last night when they introduced the clip to their flick. Shame, boys, shame.

17th Annual Producers Guild Awards
Sunday, January 22, 2006

The Winners:

Theatrical Motion Picture – “
Brokeback Mountain
Animated Motion Picture – “
Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit
Television: Long Form – “
The Life and Death of Peter Sellers
Television Series: Comedy – “
Television Series: Drama – “
Television Series or Special: Non-Fiction – “
60 Minutes
Television Series or Special: Variety – “
The Ellen Degeneres Show

The 58th Annual Director’s Guild of America’s Awards

Their annual awards have been around since 1948 and in the past half century plus, they have disagreed with the final Oscar voting a mere six times in the past fifty six years! So odds are looking mighty nice for one little Taiwanese director of those notorious cowboys! Kudos to Ang Lee for winning the Feature Film Award for “Brokeback Mountain.”

Isn't it nice how they package their Award in a suitcase? Although, Ang might want to remember what happened in 2001! For you nitpickers, here are the famed discrepancies:

1968 – DGA to Anthony Harvey for “The Lion in Winter
- Oscar to Carol Reed for “Oliver!
1972 – DGA to Francis Ford Coppola for “The Godfather
- Oscar to Bob Fosse for “Cabaret
1985 – DGA to Steven Spielberg for “The Color Purple
- Oscar to Sydney Pollack for “Out of Africa
(Spielberg failed to receive an Oscar nomination that year.)
1995 – DGA to Ron Howard for “Apollo 13
- Oscar to Mel Gibson for “Braveheart
(Opie failed to receive an Oscar nomination that year.)
2001 – DGA to Ang Lee for “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
- Oscar to Steven Soderbergh for “Traffic
2003 – DGA to Rob Marshall for “Chicago
- Oscar to Roman Polanski for “The Pianist

Still and all, it seems safe to bet the farm on Ang. And we applaud that, those rascally cowpokes have been buttfucking their way to cleaning up most of the major awards this year, and we are hear to say . . . . well, hear! Hear! And then, the SAG Awards happened. Last night. And the boys were shut out like . . . well like a pair of gay cowboys in rural Wyoming. Onto the roundup!

The 12th Annual Screen Actors Guild of America’s Awards

While this famed and powerful union first made its debut way back in 1933, famously splitting from the Academy – it only got around to handing out prizes for acting in 1994. While they are relatively new on the Awards scene, their voting body echoes the Academy’s very closely and has resulted in a good scorecard for the final grand prize in La La Land. And last night, they handed out their hideous looking awards. (Seriously, who designed that thing?) The “Brokeback” boys took a beating, and not in a fun roughhouse way. Their crew lost in all their categories. Shame.

The top awards went to some of the same faces we’ve been seeing lately at the podium – Philip Seymour Hoffman, Reese Witherspoon, Paul Giamatti and Rachel Weisz won the film acting honors, with the overblown tribute of white guiltCrash” nabbing the Ensemble Acting honors away from much more deserving films. Honestly, if anybody else tries to convince us that Sandra Bullock, Matt Dillon and Thandie Newton delivered great performances – we’re gonna lynch them, no matter what color they are.

Our favorite moments last night both revolved around the presentation of the Life Achievement Award to former child megastar, Miss Shirley Temple Black. Ole Shirl looked great in her Quacker’s inspired glitzy top – hey, she’s old and endearing, we’re cutting her some slack. And her speech was blessedly succinct and heartfelt. (We think there are more deserving actresses in Hollywood lore they could have feted, but we’ll let this go.) And the second best moment of the night was Jamie Lee Curtis walking out to present Shirl with her ugly statue and almost taking an Ann-Margret style tumble into the orchestra pit en route. Good save, ya nutty hermaphrodite!

On to the Bloody Red Carpet! (And before you say it, yes the Best and Worst Dressed of the night seem strangely familiar . . .)

The Best Dress of the Night
Shades of the Golden Globes!

Our winner is none other than that talented little eggroll, Ziyi Zhang who was unfortunately nominated for her slight work in the horribly overblown “Memoirs of a Geisha.” While that film tanked, her look has lately been flawless! She’s single handedly turning us into Rice Queens! We’re fairly certain that her success in working the red carpet has more to do with her stunning looks, her built for couture – read: boyish body, and the ability to pull off any look. This woman is GORGEOUS! And while this dress is not yet ready for our Hall of Fame category, it flatters and fits wonderfully. Brava! Again!

The Worst Dress of the Night
Shades of the Golden Globes, Part II
Reese Witherspoon in YSL, Walking a VERY Thin Line!!

Hot on the heels of winning this award for the Golden Globes, Reese Witherspoon again proves that an “A” list actress, a shoe in for the Oscar nomination and the main frontrunner this year is a complete mess when dealing with fashion options for awards shows. We do not know who her stylist is, but we would like to take them out back and bludgeon them to death. Unless this dress was plucked straight out of “Project Runway”, the episode where the wannabes were forced at needlepoint to recreate a roll of toilet paper – there is no excuse. Reese is a talented comedienne who pulled out all the stops this year to create the fabulous reincarnation of the legendary June Carter Cash, and for the life of us we cannot fathom why she cannot spend two seconds deciding on an appropriate look! Especially since, she looked flawless in the late 50s and early 60s ensembles she sported in “Walk the Line”. Reese, here is a tip for the Oscars, since we are positive you will hear your name called on Tuesday morning. Call the designer from your film, get them to copy that stunning gown you wore, you remember, the white diva schmatta you sported in the second half and tell them to either copy it directly or use it for inspiration. Why a pretty, young, talented actress like yourself would want to dress like a fifty year old housewife attending her husbands retirement from the shoe factory is beyond us. For shame! We hope we never have to award you our “Worst” again. Honestly!

Mission Impassible Due to the Intestinal Blockage.
Peter Graves and Barbara Bain
Years ago, when we were the youngest of bitches, Miss Barbara Bain thrilled us to no end with her Emmy Award winning espionage role on the original “Mission Impossible” and her later work with the breakthrough sci-fi cult classic “Space: 1999”. When she first waddled onto the stage last night barely managing to support and direct the mummy that was once Peter Graves to the podium, we had to glance twice. Is that really a see-through midriff she is sporting at her crypt calling age, or are our eyes deceiving us. They were not. Babs. We adored you once, but we berate you repeatedly for daring to flash your septuagenarian flab at our faces on national television.

The Princess Whore
Anne Hathaway in Nina Ricci
, who has blessedly stepped away from the “Joker” lipstick she sported at the Golden Globes, but instead opted for Rose’s waterlogged death frock from “Titanic.” For shame! Again, we must opt for the Reese Witherspoon diatribe. Anne, you are far too young and beautiful to be looking like a bucket of shit. We understand you are not quite “A” list, but your film is the Oscar front runner. Pull it together, bitch! We know you can.

Desperate No Longer!
Felicity Huffman in Nicole Miller. Honey, you done us proud! We had grown so tired and frustrated with your Midwestern-not-so finery (This gal really loves the bedazzler.), that when we spied you coming up the carpet in this simple yet elegant frock combined with a classical upswept do – we almost burst into tears. It may not have been the best dress of the evening, but it was definitely the winner for Most Improved Buswreck! Brava! (We really hope she maintains her momentum for the Big Night, if the Oscar Gods decree to nominate her.)

¿Que Mierda?
This puta bitch keeps on surprising us! We never expected much from the least talented Housewife on the block, but Eva Longoria pulled it together for the Globes, and while she is playing it safe with the Badgley Mischka frock and period pseudo Marcel wave, we think she looks just fine. Especially for a Mexican American puta.

Marcel Wave Bye-Bye
And as far as 1930s inspired hairdos go, Eva had it all over this plump bitch. Patricia Arquette who apparently just underwent electro shock therapy to reduce her mop to scattered remnants of her once luxurious curls.

Cute as a Junebug
Amy Adams
, who was so fucking good in “Junebug”, we’ll forgive the heavy eyeliner. The dress we actually don’t mind that much. We just find it a tad severe for such a translucent gal. It’s certainly dramatic enough, and at this point we were so happy she was nominated, we’re set to move on.

. . . and then this happened.
Nicolette Sheridan in Kevan Hall, who is still attempting to va va voom the whole damn world. If it’s possible to shove her tits and ass in our face at the same time, she’s succeeding. We have never been fond of the Fishtail frock, they only work for mermaids. And lady, you are so far from your maiden years it would crack your leathery face just to mention it.

Charlize Theron in Giorgio Armani Couture

By now, we have almost given up hope on the once golden girl. We admired her performance in “North Country” greatly, and wish her well in her future endeavors. We also wish she would find a knockout dress to showcase her stunning beauty. We also wish for world peace, a midnight romp in the hay with the “Brokeback” boys, and a really tasty non-fat ice cream. It looks like we’re not getting any of our wishes granted this year. Ho hum.

Making the Boys and Girls Cry
Hilary Swank in Giambattista Valli. Well, we have always kind of admired her ability to overcome her trailer parkish past come red carpet time. Perhaps it’s the memory of her powerful tranny turn, but she always seems a little harsh around the edges. Although we admire her for getting all girly and gussied up for us. We’re feeling benevolent on the eve of the Oscar nominations, and since this bitch owns two of the little men – we’ll let her walk on by.

We See What the Boys in the Backroom Have Had
Geena Davis in Escada who is really embracing the whole “Wild West Madame” look she has been sporting lately. (Please see our Golden Globe recap . . . or don’t if you want to save your retinas.) Yes, yes, we know she has never been the fashion icon someone so statuesque deserves to be . . . but Good Lord, Geena! Enough with the 19th century whore look! Unless you plan on ditching “Commander in Chief” for “Deadwood” – in which case, we might actually tune in.

The Closest She’ll Ever Come to Fondling a Real Man
Teri Hatcher holding one of those heinous statues for her ensemble work on “Desperate Housewives”. She is certainly not receiving any awards for the ensemble she’s sporting. Talk about way too much going on! The top is a flouncy Grecian inspired number, slap on a bandeau belt, rusching gone wild highlighting her sagging vulva, and then of course to top it all off – a fucking train. This is an affront to all humanity. Somebody, please grab that stupid little man and club her over the head with it! Thanks.

If I'd Known You Were Coming, I'd Have Burned My Face
Jaime Pressly, who is simply marvelous in “My Name is Earl.” We never knew that this processed blonde could muster the moxy to pull of a superb comic performance on a weekly basis, but we applaud her for finally arriving. We do not applaud her love of the tanning salon, and we really wish the girls would think twice before they microwave their epidermis to Cancer Town. The dress is particularly bland in a Miss Universe kind of way, but we so adore Jaime – we’ll let her off with a warning.

Talent Will Out
Catherine Keener in Oscar de la Renta
We get it. You're so talented, why bother looking nice? This saddens us. We adore Catherine and think she did brilliant turn as Harper Lee in "Capote." But a schmatta is still just a schmatta. Try a little harder, Cathy - you have the capability to look stunning. We just know it!

Gray's Anatomy? Try Hanging Skeleton
Ellen Pompeo in Dior by John Galliano
Now this sad sack of bones, literally, has no talent. Literally. Unless you count the ability to induce vomiting and still maintain a bustline, no matter how droopy a "talent." We suppose. Only in Hollywood, kids.

Dr. Quinn, Crazy Bitch
We’ve always suspected that Jane Seymour was a few tassels short of a drape, but attempting to dress like a Rockette at a New Year’s Eve gang bang is really bringing it home for us.

Freak and a Geek
Linda Cardellini in a bedsheet from the Martha Stewart Everyday® collection. This is just plain retarded. And don’t even start us on the lumpy curls circling her head. Even with last night’s tribute to Shirley Temple – this does not excuse the rag curls. Linda, honey. You were so good on “Freaks & Geeks” and in “Brokeback Mountain” – put some effort into it, will ya?

Wicked? Try, Horrid.
Kristin Chenoweth
of the Alvin & the Chipmunks squeak, flashing her wicked little cooter at us. Nice. Real classy. For a stump with pipes, this midget ear widget has worn out what little welcome she ever had.

And We Are Telling You, You Need to Be Going!
Loretta Devine
, who we think is a wonderful actress – unfortunately appeared in “Crash” this year and still insists on wearing her rehearsal dress from her “Dreamgirls” days. Listen up, bitch – that was over twenty years ago, and yes we know they’re finally making a movie based on the long ago Broadway hit, and we still don’t care.

The Girl Can’t Help It” - the Long Avoided Sequel.
Mariska Hargitay in Carolina Herrara, who we keep trying to defend. We know, we know. We’re partial to the whole “Hollywood Legacy” line. So sue us. But then we have to remember that her mother was really just a second rate Marilyn Monroe and a slut. So I guess we’re finally over it. And as our chum, the most august Reverend said last night: “It looks like somebody took a dump on her shoulder.” Yes, Mariska – there is an insanity clause. It clearly states that any actress on a hackneyed spin-off cop drama will:
A. Not sport a bad wig or wiglet or fall.
B. Especially if the color of the aforementioned wiglet is three tones darker than the rest of your head.
And finally, C. Even if you are Jayne Mansfield’s daughter and pregnant, try keeping the twins under wraps.

Low Times
Mary Louise Parker in J. Mendel

So talented. So charming. So put upon. So confused as to what to wear to these damn awards shows! We suppose settling for an Evening Dress / Tea Dress combination might be her inspiration. That or she’s just stoned out of her fricking gourd. We’ll opt for the latter.

Couldn’t Get Arrested in this Gown . . . Oops.
Michelle Rodriguez
, newly out of the cooler and feeling fresh as a blast of Binaca chased with some Gatorade to mask the stink and replenish the fluids she lost when she stuck her head out of her leased Jetta and hurled all the way from Maui to Waui. Classy broad. Horrible actress. (Have you watched her amazing range of “Angry” to “Semi-Angry” on “Lost” lately?) And just plain buswreck. We don’t really care what she’s wearing. She is officially dead to us. And if she doesn’t lay off the flask, she might be dead to all of us soon. Fingers crossed.

So, in closing we were grateful to some of the gals for at least attempting a look – and the rest can go fuck themselves. We're looking at you, Miss Witherspoon - you are on very thin ice! Pull it together you BITCHES!! Except Shirley Temple Black – who we just love. Brava! Now make sure and set your alarm clocks for bright and early tomorrow morning for the Oscar nominations! We’re so excited, we could just shit. On Mariska Hargitay. Bless you all!

The 12th Annual SAG Award Winners

Film Ensemble - Crash
Female Actor, Lead - Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line
Male Actor, Lead - Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote
Female Actor, Supporting - Rachel Weisz for The Constant Gardener
Male Actor, Supporting - Paul Giamatti for Cinderella Man

Television Ensemble in a Drama Series - Lost
Female Actor Drama Series - Sandra Oh for Grey's Anatomy
Male Actor Drama Series - Keifer Sutherland for 24
Ensemble in a Comedy Series - Desperate Housewives
Female Actor Comedy Series - Felicity Huffman for Desperate Housewives
Male Actor Comedy Series - Sean Hayes for Will and Grace
Female Actor in a Television Movie or Mini Series - S. Epatha Merkerson for Lackawanna Blues
Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries - Paul Newman for Empire Falls