Tuesday, January 17, 2006

The 63rd Annual Golden Globes Awards - Fashion & Film Review

The 63rd Annual Golden Globe Awards

It’s over. The hideous awards show that has duped the movie going public into thinking they should give a shit about the results. Longtime fans will testify to our bitter revulsion to the Globes which is voted upon by a contingency of Bulgarian Soccer journalists who know shit all about movies and should shut the fuck up. But we digress. Much has been made over the past five or ten years about their Oscar accuracy rating, and all we have to say is WAKE THE FUCK UP YOU MORONS, THEY HAVE DOUBLE THE CATEGORIES – DO THE FUCKING MATH!!!!!!

Whew. We’re done with that. Onto the awards. First, we want to applaud Queen Latifah for her sheer audacity and self promotional skills in kicking off the show by paying tribute to Martin Luther King, Jr and somehow tying that paean into the weekend gross of her latest cinematic abortion “Last Holiday.” Ahem. Dear Fat Girl: Dr. King didn’t take a bullet to defend your inability to choose a script. Moving on. The winners are at the end of our recap. We honestly don’t care, in case you’re incredibly thick. And if you’re still poo-pooing our hatred of the Globes, we have three words to say to you:
Pia-fucking-Zadora. Case closed.
We are here to discuss the first “Big” Red Carpet arrivals of the year!

Sadly, for all the hype about the Globes being the industry “Party of the Year”, the gals played it very safe last night which of course translates into B-O-R-I-N-G!! With a few exceptions. We were surprised at our choices for Best and severely disappointed in our picks for Worst Dressed of the evening. Onto the fashions!

The Best of the Night!
Ziyi Zhang or Zhang Ziyi, we’re still
not sure . . . in Giorgio Armani.
This little steamed dumpling pulled out the stops last night and dared to wear a striking shade of . . . of what? Celadon? No, too yellowy. (No pun intended, we swear!) Chartreuse? No, it’s too subdued for chartreuse. It might be a tint of Lime, but isn’t that a tad obvious? Whatever the fuck it was, we are grateful to her parents for not killing her at birth. Since she was the single best thing fashion-wise last night! We love her audacity and her total panache at pulling the entire look together! We bow to your fashion glory, Ziyi or Zhang, whatever. (We almost forgive you for your weak turn in the lackluster and overripe “Memoirs of a Geisha”.)

The Worst of the Night!
Reese Witherspoon in Haute Couture Vintage Chanel

She won the Best Actress in a Musical / Comedy for her fabulous turn in “Walk the Line” and she should be hung up on that line and beaten with a rusty pipe for her hideously ugly and jaw droppingly ill fitting circa 1962 tea frock. Look at this vomit inducing dress! It binds her already limited bosom into an insane asylum detainee bodice, bunches at the ribcage, and droops down in folds reminiscent of our mother’s plastic kitchen tablecloth she purchase at Woolworth’s in 1978. We love you Reese! We absolutely hate your dress. Pull it together, you Southern Fried Bitch for the Oscars, will ya?

Our spies, okay all the rags and media outlets have been absolutely creaming themselves over the mini-drama concerning Reese Witherspoon’s heinous frock. It seems that one of the main reasons that it was such a bad fit, is that it wasn’t designed for her at all. No, no. And not only that, it was worn by another actress, a “B” list actress, at a previous Golden Globe Awards, three years ago! Ladies and gents, for those of you who haven’t yet seen, we present the Worst Dress of the Night – 2006 & 2003!

Kirsten Dunst in the aforementioned Haute Couture Vintage Chanel
Thud. Now, we are thinking many things, foremost among them – Dear Miss Witherspoon, when an “A” list actress agrees to wear anything labeled “Vintage”, guess what, it’s been worn before. Also, if you are the frontrunner in your category, you need to get over any “Once I was poor and a nobody and I used to love rummaging thru thrift stores” kind of delirious nostalgia and opt for a new gown, or one that is at least fifty years old – thereby limiting any surviving competition. And no amount of scandal is going to detract from the simple fact that the dress DIDN’T FIT YOU PROPERLY, and is still boring as day old dirt.

This reminds us of Le Fashion Scandal decades ago when pre-Dame Elizabeth Taylor and Gina “Boom Boom” Lollobrigida once appeared at the same swank affair sporting the exact same gown!! GASP!!! Don’t believe us? Take a gander:

Of course, this was at the height of La Taylor’s megastardom, when the world breathlessly awaited her latest appearance – so who do you think was wearing the original Christian Dior frock, and who do you think forced her Italian “Koff, koff, Gina, koff, koff” Seamstress to stitch out a copy from a magazine. T-A-C-K-Y! Then again, she’s Italian. Moving on, back to the present day and the rest of the nightmares to be found at the GG’s.

The Second & Third Worst of the Night
Drew Barrymore
Dragging both floor scraping dugs and forcing the NBC censors to pan in close on your double chin to avoid any Janet Jackson scenarios – how cold was the auditorium last night, Drew??? Jesus!!!! Even for a former binge drinking prepubescent this was a colossal mistake.

The Golden Tits
(You thought we’d reuse that “Globes” pun?)
Scarlett Johansson in Valentino
Well, if you’ve got ‘em . . . flaunt ‘em! Jesus! Bitch could seriously hurt somebody with those. We’re including the “Farrah” flip in the damage assessment.

Officially Entering Our Hall of Shame
Mariah Carey in Chanel Haute Couture
Now, this hardly seems fair, considering her limited taste and hefty purse strings, but this cow has been on our Worst Dressed List for too long. We are officially retiring this “blooming in all the wrong areas” shrew. We don’t expect that much from her, and congrats! You’ve failed on a monstrous scale. Monstrous like your Water Buffalo bearing hips, Anteater nursing tits and bloated pinhead – if that’s even possible in this extremely tired ensemble. Somebody please, club her over the head with a Globe, drag her to the Key Grip trailer and electrocute her tired tit-fat sporting mulatto ass to death. Thanks.

Charlize Theron in Dior Haute Couture by John Galliano

Oh my Lord! How we adore Charlize, and how we respect her acting prowess, and we much do we hate her FUCKING STYLIST!!!! This may be impressive on the runway, draped on a twelve year old mannequin but it just reeks of Galliano-esque twee flappery that we want to blow chunks all over it. And at this point, we’re going to insist that Charlize stop working the whispy curls hairdon’t and develop a signature style. She has exactly one month to respond. If not. Dead to us.

Paris has Fallen, Again!
Catherine Deneuve in Lanvin
Mon Dieu! When we first cast our eyes on the once glorious M. Deneuve last night, we cried out: “How many Euros did that set her back at Les Galeries Lafayette?” To which our friend, the most august Reverend retorted: Galeries Lane Bryant is more like it!” (Bitch trumped us.)
Doing more to damage the already tenuous Franco-American relations, this former fashion great has officially dug her own grave. We understand that her couture SvengaliYves Saint Laurent has closed up shop, but surely some other design house in Europe could step in at a moment’s notice? And yes, French Women DO Get Fat and that isn’t really an excuse for the puffy-see-thru-sleeves. Or the flabby residue accentuating bow on her belly. We’re still sobbing into our Vichyssoise.

Ellen Pompeo in Valentino
It always amazes us when bone thin anorexics opt for the flowing caftan look. It may cover up the bruises she gets from just knocking her knees together by walking, but it also emphasizes her “Bobble Head”. Although, quite frankly the loose pin curls ain’t helping to reduce the noggin, you trollop. (P.S. We hate your show, “Grey’s Anatomy”, playing “General Hospital” for laughs seems redundant.)

Oh, Great. Another cast member of that lame show.

“It’s NOT You Girl, and You Should Know It . . .”
Katherine Heigl in Some Bizarre Hommage to Rhoda Morgenstern

We liked you better as an angst ridden alien teenager on the Sci-Fi cult classic, “Roswell.” Anal probes and all. A full mental probe might help explain why you would choose to wear this gypsy bedspread.

“WE GET IT! You're 'Desperate'"
Felicity Huffman in Marchesa

We think Felicity Huffman is a fine actress, and deserves to be recognized for her tranny turn in “Transamerica.” She also deserves to be punched in the face a few times in order to wake her up out of her fashion doldrums. White is so tiring at these affairs. It just doesn’t read well, gals!!!

Sensible Prejudice
Emma Thompson in Roberto Cavalli
Well, at least it looks like she’s having fun. We were not. Seriously, Emma – we adore you and find you incredibly talented. Stop ladling the gin into the tea! We realize you’re no spring chicken, but the bells of Big Ben have not yet tolled the Helen Mirren hour, pull it together!

Madame, and we do mean – Madame President
Geena Davis in Escada Couture
Well, we give her credit for making us laugh last night. At her acceptance speech. At her dress. At her career. Yup, this one time Oscar Winner is still going strong in today’s entertainment world, and we must applaud her tenacity. And to be honest, she never had any fashion sense, so we didn’t really expect much from her. But this is straight out of the bordello back closet. A multi-tiered flowing train ain’t gonna help disguise any flaws, Geena. So kindly shove your globe up the train and carry on with your lackluster drama, “Commander in Chief.” We’re still not watching it.

“A Rush of Blood to the Head . . . ”
Gwyneth Paltrow in Balenciaga
Zowie!!! Pregnancy kind of agrees with matchstick head! She was positively glowing last night in this peasanty Balenciaga creation. We’re gonna take it easy on the Mommie to be. No, we don’t know why, either. Color us hormonal. We'll even overlook the Roman Sandals . . .

Humpback Mountain
Michelle Williams in Givenchy

Ladies, even if your husband isn’t gay, dressing like a drag queen float could make him one. Michelle, Michelle, Chelle . . . you are far too young, far too good in “Brokeback Mountain” and far too likely to nab an Oscar nomination this year to risk it all by slapping a dress on that resembles those scalloped accordion centerpieces your best friends mother used to purchase for Halloween. Or Mexican Tissue Paper Flowers you can buy in Nogales for a nickel.

Forty Acne Scars and a Mule
This is disgusting! Isn’t this against the law in Texas? And we know you recently gave birth, but Heidi – do you breast feed your child from across the room? Let it go, it’s dragging you down. Literally.

“The Romantic Life?”
Jane Seymour has been many things in her century long career. Bond Girl. Emmy Winning Actress. Rural Candy Striper. And Delusional Old Tart. On her website – yes, you read that correctly, and we insist you check out her own patented brand of crazy yourselves – she offers free and unwarranted advice to the little people. Here is a quote from her Norma Desmond like rants, entitled: Chapter Ten: Dressing the Part: Accessorizing the Romantic Life
“Don't be afraid. Use a little flair, a little imagination. Be the dramatic figure of your dreams.” Key words: Your OWN dreams. The kind they lock people up for. Somebody call the doctor that carted off Blanche DuBois and get this nutjob harridan off our BLOODY RED CARPET!!!!!

Please Take Me Seriously!
Keira Knightley in Valentino
Why this lovely young thing would want to dress like a tired old British hag and slather on the make-up is beyond us. Although we were grateful she lost the Best Actress in a Musical / Comedy to Reese, we felt her amateur turn in the uneven “Pride & Prejudice” to be much ado about very little. Please, Academy voters – skip this tart until she’s actually as old as she is vainly trying to look in this cupcake frosting ensemble.

1.0 from the Gay Judges
Anne Hathaway in Marc Jacobs
Who should be permanently attached to Ang Lee’s little Taiwanese buttocks, for saving her from a career of Disneyiana. She was lovely as the fag hag in “Brokeback Mountain” – and we wish her the best in her future endeavors. We also wish she leave the house during daylight to pick up a little color in those pallid cheeks, toss the Mac® RuPaul Bleeding Drag Queen Cold Sore lip shade out the limo window, and steer clear of Marc Jacobs’s figure skating frocks.

“Squid? Whale? Try, Horse”
Laura Linney in Valentino

A. We’re glad she’s stopped with the Goth eye make-up. B. We still find “The Squid & The Whale” to be incredibly overrated. C. We have decided that we just don’t like you. D. What was with all the “Coochie Flashing” last night? Don’t believe us?

Told you. Ugh.

Shooting Collagen Laden Whores in a Barrel
Lisa Rinna

Always a buswreck, never interesting unless you count the surgery scars and God Bless her for airing out her tired balloon tits one last time.

Never Say Die
Emmy Rossum in Dior by John Galliano
It’s been two fricking years since “The Phantom of the Opera”, and this untalented twat just won’t take the hint!! Yes, yes, we know she’s due to appear in “The Poseidon Adventure” remake – gee, what a great idea – and we still don’t care. Especially when she chooses to assault our sensibilities by plotzing her whispy figure – we’re being generous – into a stunningly boring frock by that master of frou-frou, Missy John Galliano. Perhaps in a Circus tent with the torches reflecting off the layers of tissue paper, this might be impressive. Here it is merely one more reason to bemoan the death of Haute Couture.

¡Un milagro en Los Ángeles!
Eva Longoria in Bob Mackie
Jesús, José y Maria!
For a Mexican American draped in Bob Mackie, she’s looking alright! Believe us, we are as shocked as you are.

¡Un milagro en Los Ángeles - Segundo parte!
Jessica Alba in Versace
Will the madness never stop? If you had asked us pre-Globes to name the first one thousand actresses we would find well dressed, this Spic would never even have come close. We are overwhelmed at how presentable this Puta looks. We absolutely adore the color, and find it to be perfectly flattering in fit and almost . . . dare we say it for a whore draped in Versace . . . she looks almost classy. Almost. (She’s still an untalented guttersnipe who should thank God daily that she is still working after “The Fantastic Four” debacle earlier this year.)

Virginia Madsen in Kevan Hall
Ouch. We adore Ginny’s acting skills, but question her inability at her age to fully comprehend what style is best for her plush figure. This ain’t it. Now, admittedly when your measurements are “38-37-38”, there isn’t much room for error. But we would suggest avoiding any upholstery fabrics, and covering up the tits. Also, Sausage Curls should remain on Sausages, which you should avoid binging on, Ginny.

"I Saw It in The Window . . . Literally"
Rosario Dawson in Vintage Versace
Well. We like the color. We kind of admire the hutzpah it takes to even attempt to tote around the late mediocre Versace’s “Christo Valley Curtain” bedazzled design. God knows that Gianni was never one for clean lines, but we don’t think that Rosario has enough moxy to pull this one off. We’d like to pull it off, and possibly asphyxiate her with it – but that is only in response to her participation in “Rent”.

The “Comeback” is Officially Over
Teri Hatcher in Versace
So boring. Even Gianni’s murder doesn’t help to explain this one. Way too many twists and turns and beads and doodads and baubles, bangles and Ben Wa balls to begin to count. We’re grateful she lost Best Actress in a Television Comedy to the infinitely more talented Mary-Louise Parker for “Weeds.”

“Isn’t it Idiotic?”
Alanis Morissette
Who has clearly lost her mind! One would assume getting porked by that hot little piece of fratboy, Ryan Reynolds would encourage a gal to eat less and gussy up a tad. We were mistaken. For every stomach muscle Ryan keeps revealing, Alanis must keep pounding down the Ho-Ho’s. Pay attention gals, here is a good rule of thumb, Black is NOT always slimming, especially if it takes more black than a Sicilian mass funeral to cover up your bloated twat. And pairing it with a nude colored bandeau top is truly courting disaster. We do admire her clever ruse to cover up any possible track marks, if that is indeed what she is attempting with the bejeweled chain gang shackles, or she’s just plain lost her freaking mind!!!!!!! And holy bleached shades of Scarlett Johansson’s Farrah Flip, we need to put a stop to this Madonna inspired lunacy!

We suppose that we should be grateful to the buswrecks last night, since they actually forced us to stay awake thru the parade of boring fashions. Listen up gals, we understand that playing it safe may be the best way to go – but it is so deadly dull! We submit for your approval a roster of boring ass whores.

Do not adjust your monitors, this is not the Mrs. America pageant. Although Miss Jaime “Who Knew I Was Funny” Pressly, Miss Kate “Pearl Harbor Never Goes Away” Beckinsale, Miss Maria “Fine Actress, Lousy Dresser” Bello, Missy Sandra “I Won a Globe! For ‘Grey’s Anatomy?” Oh, and Miss Mira “One Time Oscar Winner, All Time Schlub” Sorvino could certainly convince you otherwise in their dreary pale creations. Would a little color have killed you?

Spoke too soon . . .

For their half hearted attempts to splash around the color wheel, we lift our glasses to them. For their incredibly safe and stilted final choices, we would like to smash the glass in their faces and grind it into their pores. Evangeline “’Lost’ in So Many Ways” Lilly, Rachel “Globe Schmobe, Bitch Betta Not Win the Oscar” Weisz, Penelope “Puta” Cruz and Marcia “Harsh Ya” Cross can kindly pack up their trains and leave the room. Thanks for nothing, bitches. You should have stuck with basic black.


You can’t win for trying around here! Diane Kruger is at least attempting a muted color and not full on boring black – and she’s German, so really, there went her chances! Sarah Jessica Parker has been officially dead to us for years, so we don’t really care. Hilary Swank should be back on the “A” list after her second Oscar win this past year – and honestly, it ain’t so hideous, just tired. And finally, Mandy Moore may have more talent than most suspect, but choosing a gown is not one of them. Thank God we are nearing the end of our round-up!

So, in closing we want to reiterate that we truly don’t care who won the Globes last night – we enjoyed watching the trainwreck, lame fashions and all. There were some moments we actually enjoyed and feel we should extend our thanks to:

Thanks to our pal, George Clooney for . . . well, just being the multi-talented Roué that he is.

We want to thank Eric Bana, Terence Howard and Viggo Mortensen for their inspiring work on screen this year and their even more inspiring work in our fantasies. Lord knows they worked their asses and ours off in our daydreams, literally.

We eagerly look forward to “Superman Returns” and the legendary unveiling of Brandon Routh’s “super charms”.

We sincerely thank S. Epatha Merkerson for her winning role in “Lackawanna Blues” and winning decision to drape her largesse in a tasteful and fitting ensemble.

And we want to thank this mystery couple, for their living embodiment of the Hollywood Foreign Press. We bet she makes a mean Manicotti, whoever she is.

And hey, we have to give credit to the Hollywood Foreign Press Asses for being so easy to butter up and bribe. Anybody want a slightly used $400 Coach® watch? Please see a Miss Stone, who is currently hiding in the ladies room, third stall to the left. If you want some blow, see a Miss Moss one stall over. But please knock lightly, you’re liable to knock her over. See ya kids at the SAG Awards! Sayonara! Bless you all!

The 63rd Annual Golden Globes Awards

Best Film – Drama – Brokeback Mountain
Best Actress Drama – Felicity Huffman for Transamerica
Best Actor Drama – Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote
Best Film - Comedy/Musical – Walk the Line
Best Actress Musical/Comedy – Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line
Best Actor - Musical/Comedy – Joaquin Phoenix for Walk the Line
Best Supporting Actress – Rachel Weisz for The Constant Gardener
Best Supporting Actor – George Clooney for Syriana
Best Director – Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain
Best Foreign Film – Paradise Now
Best Screenplay – Larry McMurtry & Diana Ossana for Brokeback Mountain
Best Score – John Williams for Memoirs of a Geisha
Best Song – “A Love That Will Never Grow Old" – “Brokeback Mountain"
Cecil B. DeMille Award for Lifetime Achievement – Anthony Hopkins

Best Dramatic Series – Lost
Best Actress / Drama - Geena Davis for Commander in Chief
Best Actor / Drama - Hugh Laurie for House
Best Comedy Series - Desperate Housewives
Best Actress / Comedy - Mary Louise Parker for Weeds
Best Actor / Comedy - Steve Carrell for The Office
Best TV Mini-Series - Empire Falls
Best Actress Mini-Series S. Epatha Merkerson for Lackawanna Blues
Best Actor Mini-Series – Jonathon Rhys Meyers for Elvis
Best Supporting Actress in a Television Series, Mini-Series or Made for TV Movie – Sandra Oh for Grey's Anatomy
Best Supporting Actor in a Television Series, Mini-Series or Made for TV Movie – Paul Newman for Empire Falls