Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The 11th Annual Broadcast Film Critics Association Awards - Fashion & Film Review

The 11th Annual Broadcast Film Critics Association Awards – 2005

We’re going to go out on a limb here and guess you all didn’t tune into last nights big Awards show. Hmmm? Nothing. Crickets. Well, the Broadcast Film Critics Association is now in its 11th year of handing out one of the ugliest awards in filmdom, but one that pairs up frequently with the biggie – the Oscars. And if you watched last night, you would know that ‘cause they desperately mentioned their track record for matching the academy at the drop of a hat. Sheesh. Everybody wants to be the Oscars, because no matter what any other Film Awards might say, they are the big one, the one people watch, the one actors and directors and screenwriters kill to win, the one that actually makes a difference at the box office and the one that people remember. Quick, name us a Golden Globe winning Best Picture in the past five years! A New York Film Critics Circle Best Actress in the past ten years? A National Board of Review champ that swept all their categories? You can’t do it, can you? So there. Nyah!

Anyway, onto the awards. Those buttfucking cowpokes keep racking up those Critics prizes faster than a fresh case of crabs. Copping the Best Picture, Director and one-half of a Best Supporting Actress award last night, they are sitting pretty high in the saddle the closer we get to Oscar night. But before you can say “sweep”, our blonde cowpoke, Heath Ledger briefly stalled his steamrolling and lost to Philip Seymour Hoffman’s brilliant turn in “Capote.” Reese Witherspoon charmed the voter’s enough to win Best Actress for “Walk the Line”, and Paul Giamatti brought home some more critics love with Best Supporting Actor win for “Cinderella Man.” The Best Supporting Actress category stunned . . . well, at least got their attention away from the poor waiters dressed up in giant Penguin outfits in honor of the Best Documentary winner - "The March of the Penguins" - we shit you not: with the announcement of a tie! Amy Adams in “Junebug” and Michelle Williams in the aforementioned “Brokeback Mountain” emerged victorious. And all this could be a very strong indicator or mean absolutely nothing come Oscar night, ‘cause that’s the way the lube flies in the ultimate clusterfuck for the Big Prize!

Onto the fashions! And boy, does this show run the gamut. The boys are either jabbed into their monkey suits, or barely register they are leaving the house for dinner – as last night’s winners will testify. And the gals fall in behind confused out of their Xanax popping gourds whether to shake out the cocktail dress or actually bother to have their assistant call their stylist to call the designers assistant to schedule a meet and greet at The Ivy to discuss togs. Sheesh.

Philip Seymour Hoffman
Making damn sure nobody could ever confuse his fey, mannered performance as the fey, mannered Truman Capote as anything but great acting – Phil rolled out of bed, wiped his ass with the bedsheet, grabbed the Visine and trolled over to the auditorium. Class “Z” looks – Class “A” talent.

Paul Giamatti
Perhaps the Academy was right in ignoring his brilliant turns in “American Splendor” and “Sideways.” At least we didn’t have to sit thru his slurred rambling speech and forced to look at his simian-like visage during Oscar night.

It is the ultimate testimony to our love for the acting genius of Paul Giamatti that we heartedly applaud his win last night (although we are still rooting for William Hurt!), that we are willing to put up with his nausea inducing looks.

Virginia Madsen
Clearly we are not the only Paul Giamatti fans in the house, ‘cause his “Sideways” co-star – the lovely but a skootch zaftig Virginia Madsen shattered some eyeglasses last night with her geshrey she let out upon reading his name! Ginny! Tuck in your armpit flab, and take it out of the headvoice!

Reese Witherspoon
Who we simply adored in “Walk the Line”, has managed to become the frontrunner this year for Best Actress. And it couldn’t have happened to a nicer gal. We hope it improves her script choices, ‘cause one more “Legally Blonde” or “Dead Ghost Date” movie and she would have fallen off our list permanently.

Matt Dillon, Jennifer Esposito, Brendan Fraser, Ludacris & Terrence Howard
From “Crash” – the winners for the Best Ensemble acting prize last night. Apparently, the other black people, the asians, the wogs, the half breeds, honkies and any leftover indigenous people in the cast were not invited. But Brendan Fraser did manage to embarrass every race under the sky with his puberty-like voice cracking speech which should:
A. Set back his career further than “Encino Man”.
B. Make even Matt Dillon delete his number from his Treo®.
C. Justify the voting to all the white Critics who opted for this particular brand of tokenism, disguised in “aren’t we brave for talking about race” dialogue, wrapped in “O. Henry would have cried – ‘Enough, nobody’ll believe THAT coincidence” multi-plotline layering.
And finally, D. Scratch him off our fuckable list once and for all. Go to Hell, Brendan and while you’re packing for the trip, shove that hideous crystal thingy up your man-twat and lay off the pseudo political psychology claptrap meant to assuage Whitey’s guilt.

Amy Adams
Best Supporting Actress winner for “Junebug”. Her fellow winner in the tie last night, Michelle Williams was apparently Down Under with hottie Baby Daddy and tot in tow. Leaving Amy Adams to saunter up to the podium alone in her Sandra Dee inspired finery to accept her award. Miss Adams we have liked since her smart supporting turn a few years back in Spielberg’s “Catch Me If You Can” – and wish her well on the road to stardom. God knows she’s more talented and easier to take than some other cunts.

Dakota Fanning
Spoke to soon. Well, we’ll say this for last night’s Best Young Actress winner for “War of the Worlds”, the little bitch knows how to nail an acceptance speech. Now, maybe her parents, trainer, manager, publicist, therapist, tutor and housekeeper all took turns beating her little behind till she bled from the rectum and delivered the lines in the correct order and the precise intonation required for a charming young child actress – but hers was easily the best speech of the night. Cute, clever, brief and heartfelt. For a puppet. We actually enjoy Little Miss Fanning’s performances – we simply doubt she will bridge the Shirley Temple years into Elizabeth Taylor stardom without a good prolonged visit to Tatum O’Neal-ville. And we wouldn’t wish that on any child actor. (Plus, we were cheering for the little dynamo, Georgie Henley – the best thing about “The Chronicles of Narnia: Blah, blah, ipecac.”)

Alex Etel
In particular, young Master Alex Etel from the brilliant and charming “Millions.” He lost the Best Young Actor prize last night to Freddie Highmore, who was indeed quite effective in “Charlie & the Chocolate Factory.” We enjoy both their work and wish them nothing but the best. A future filled with starlet escorts, coke induced delirium tremors and Best Actor nods once their ballsacks drop.

Speaking of expanding ballsacks . . .

George Clooney
Winner of the “Freedom Award.” No, we have no bloody clue. Something meant to flatter talents like our pal, Georgy Peorgy, who delivered the goods this year in acting, writing and directing and still managed to lose in all three categories. A casual pat on the rump that is less invasive than a colonoscopy, but more honest than an air kiss delivered to all four cheeks. We still love you, G.P. Fat or not.

And now, the losers:

Charlize Theron
Not only did she lose Best Actress for her lovely performance in “North Country”, she has apparently given up her sense of fashion. Drapery, schmapery – we are so bored titless from the whole Greco-Roman thingy. Unless it involves two sweaty muscle boys wrestling, Greco-Roman is officially over. It’s the new Ugg boot.

Joan Allen
Another Best Actress loser last night for her delightful spin as a drunken widow in “The Upside of Anger.” Joan is still tops in our book . . . for her acting. Slapping on a slip and dipping her head in Baby Oil is not a look. It’s a threat. What did we ever do to you, Joanie? We actually paid money to see “Yes”, doesn’t that count for something?

Rachel Weisz
You know it must suck to hear the words, “It’s a tie!” and realize you lost twice when you were only planning on losing once. Rachel Weisz, who was up for Best Supporting Actress for “The Constant Gardener” is actually more talented than she looks. And with this outfit, that’s saying something. We have never been that fond of any dress that makes you resemble a burnt out votive candle, complete with drippings, and this is no exception. Although dribbling wax might explain the hair-don’t. It’s actually very simple, gals. When you use the Hot Rollers your Auntie Agatha gave you for your Sweet 16, the idea is usually to run a brush thru the mop at least once. No need to thank us, the tip was free.

Maria Bello
Up for Best Supporting Actress for “A History of Violence”, she lost. Well, you can’t have it all. We suppose getting the opportunity to simulate 69ing with Viggo Mortensen would be consolation prize enough, you greedy whore.

Rebecca Romijn
Nominated for nothing. Don’t worry, she’s used to it. Although we’ll take this opportunity to mention that the now single Ms. Romijn was used to superb advantage in Brian De Palma’s vastly underrated “Femme Fatale” awhile back. Go rent it now!!!! As for the dress, what else would a big hootered whore choose to wear?

Spoke to soon . . .

Sanaa Latham
There’s always the semi-virginal white tea dress option we suppose. Although a stroke of brilliance hit us last night upon seeing Sanaa in her 50’s inspired halter top avec billowing skirt ensemble. It’s high time they remade “The Best of Everything” – don’t you think? With a multi-racial cast. We can see it now: Sanaa Latham in Diane Baker’s role . . .

Angela Bassett as Joan Crawford

Our boyfriend, Terrence Howard as Stephen Boyd
(P.S. – Wasn’t he absolutely fabulous in “Hustle & Flow”?)

Cedric the Entertainer as Brian Aherne
(Isn’t this outfit nice? Matching his date, and the upholstery in the limo, and the sofa at home and the lining to his wallet . . .)

And Q’Orianka Kilcher as Hope Lange
She will play the young and hopeful Native American girl, Caroline Two Feathers Flapping who moves to New York City to escape the cycle of teepees, drunken stupors and plague on her reservation back home only to encounter closet sized studio apartments, drunken stupors and plague in Midtown.

And Jennifer Esposito will take time out from her hectic schedule of pumping up her own breasts in order to plop into Suzy Parker’s pumps. Perfect! Call our agent! Sold. Thank you, Jenny for taking the time to tuck the twins in for the night. Yowsa! Hope the $29.99 + tax you shelled out at Express’s After Christmas Sale didn’t completely drain your purse you cheap cow. Classy. Why bother calling designers when a quick glance at the free flyers stuck to your car window can guarantee you a frock.

Jane Seymour
Or you can surf Ebay® for hours on end, in a mad search for the withered remnants of Hedy Lamarr’s peacock cape from 1949’s “Samson and Delilah”, snatch it up, grab the hot glue gun, yank the lining out of your Nolan Miller frock from 1984 et voila! Instant red carpet attire! Don’t believe us? Gaze upon the rear view . . . but you have been warned!

Anyone have the number to PETA? You know, for all this talk about this being the “Year of the Gays” come awards shows, we had hoped the Velvet Mafia would have upped the stylist ante for the red carpet. They must be too busy downing the Apple Martinis at The Abbey’s two-for-one. They were sorely lacking last night, we can testify!

And despite the gay pimp attire, John Leguizamo don’t count! There was however no shortage of the pretty boys, thank God!

Our boyfriend, Kevin Zegers with some twat. There, no doubt to support his co-star and Best Actress nominee, hag supreme Felicity Huffman for her deliciously grandiose Tranny turn in “Transamerica.”

Eric Bana, who we’d gladly go down under with for a spell. Or month. Or year.

Jared Padalecki, who we’d like to Licky-licky, one half of the hotty brother act on the WB’s latest attempt to revive their “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer” heyday – “Supernatural.”

And formerly . . . a long time ago, Skeet Ulrich, who used to make us squirm with delight . . . but what the fuck is up with that LAZY EYE????? Over here, Skeet . . . no to your left . . . oh, forget it. Look both ways at the same time, and then cross the street. Just go. And speaking of, please go away . . .

Mel Brooks
Nice to see you emerged from your half year of mourning the loss of your wife of 40+ years, you borscht belt hack. Now we love the late, great Anne Bancroft even more! Having to wake up next to that for four decades is a cross nobody should bear.

But, watching the Broadcast Film Critics Association Awards is a cross we will bear for our legions of fans! No, no. Don’t applaud us just yet. We have more to say . . . when don’t we? As the years tick by, the Broadcast Film Critics Association keeps building more steam and will soon, we predict match the Golden Globes for their “Pre-Oscar Buzz” marketing ploy. For the simple fact, that unlike the loftier New York Film Critics, Los Angeles Film Critics, or National Society of Film Critics – they are televised. And lately, they are the first televised Film Awards of the season. Let’s not forget kids, it was only a few years ago that the Golden Globes fell off the air due to miserable ratings and zero respect in the industry. And while their respect factor hasn’t much improved, their marketing gurus have been busily at work making Jeanne Q. Publique believe that they actually matter. They don’t. But don’t you fret none, we’re here to guide you thru the Awards season crisis. You can always count on us. Bless you all!

See you boys at the Oscars! Well, okay the Golden Globes, the SAG Awards, the DGA, PGA, WGA Awards then the Oscars . . . of fuck it, we’ll see you soon!

The 11th Annual Broadcast Film Critics Awards
Best Picture: Brokeback Mountain
Best Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Best Actress: Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line
Best Supporting Actor: Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man
Best Supporting Actress: (tie) Amy Adam, Junebug; Michelle Williams, Brokeback Mountain
Best Acting Ensemble: Crash
Best Director: Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
Best Writer: Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco, Crash
Best Animated Feature: Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit
Best Young Actor: Freddie Highmore, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Best Young Actress: Dakota Fanning, War of the Worlds
Best Comedy Movie: The 40 Year-Old Virgin
Best Family Film (Live Action): The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe
Best Picture Made for Television: Into the West
Best Foreign-Language Film: Kung Fu Hustle
Best Song: "Hustle & Flow" by Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow
Best Soundtrack: Walk the Line
Best Composer: John Williams, Memoirs of a Geisha
Best Documentary Feature: March of the Penguins
Distinguished Achievement in Performing Arts: Andy Serkis
Freedom Award: George Clooney