The 78th Annual Academy Award Nominations - Our Reaction

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
78th Annual Academy Awards Nominations

Well, they’re here! The Official Nominations for the 78th Annual Academy Awards! We forced ourselves up at the crack of dawn to witness the announcement brought to us by Sid Ganis, the president of the Academy and Oscar winner Mira Sorvino. (Nice to see you still breathing, now get a real script will ya honey?)

We still remember where we were in 1927 when the Academy first formed. We were busing tables at The Cocoanut Grove, dreaming of the big time when Al Gore would invent the internet and we could start The Bloody Red Carpet for our legions of fans to tune into and relish. Oh, the Oscars! How they've grown from a small industry cocktail gathering to such a worldwide event, and in only seventy eight brief years!

On to the nominations! Those boys, you know of whom we speak. Those rascally cowpokes rode away with the most nominations in this banner year of honoring “small”, “Independent” flicks. And “Munich”. Whatever. We’re not going to fall into that camp of fools and know nothings that act shocked when the Academy chooses to nominate films that don’t reek of “Blockbuster.” As if the moviegoing public actually has discriminating tastes. “Hostel” anyone? We’re feeling fairly hostile at a couple of the nominations, but on the whole, the Academy has done good this year.

As we mentioned, “Brokeback Mountain” scored eight nominations including Best Motion Picture, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Director and Best Adapted Screenplay. Whew! Not bad for the closeted ranchers! Although, we protest the lack of a Best Original Song nomination for the lovely ballad “A Love That Will Never Grow Old” – sung by one of our favorites, Emmylou Harris. (We’ll have to make due with singing along to Dolly Parton’s “Tranny Ode” and the ever catchy "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp" from “Hustle & Flow” – everybody, whup yo bitch and sing along!)


“Good Night, and Good Luck.” scored six nominations, including two for our pal George Clooney, who also landed a Best Supporting Actor nod for his fatty turn in “Syriana.” For those keeping track, namely us – this places George on a very tiny pedestal in Oscar history for a select few actors who have scored multiple nominations in acting, writing and directing in the same year. George, take your place behind Orson Welles, Woody Allen, that nutjob Roberto Benigni and Warren Beatty (who managed that feat twice! The little Tramp himself, Charles Chaplin was denied such an honor the very first Awards ceremony when his name was taken out of competition and awarded a "Special Award" for "writing, acting, directing and producing 'The Circus.' The collective accomplishments thus displayed place you in a class by yourself.") Although it marks the first time ever for a performer to score three nods for more than one film in the same year. We’re not sure if that’s more or less impressive, who cares – kudos to our pal, Georgey Peorgey!

“Crash” and “Memoirs of a Geisha” both scored six nominations, with “Crash” bullying and whining its way to nods for Best Motion Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay and Best Supporting Actor for Matt Dillon. Thud. Goes to show you that whitey has a lot of guilt about treating minorities like shit. Slavery, anyone? Remember that? And speaking of indentured servitude, “Memoirs of a Whore” blessedly received their multi-nominations in the technical categories. We would not have minded if Gong Li or Michelle Yeoh had scored Best Supporting Actress nods, but we are so thrilled that it failed to receive any major nominations – we’re fine with it dominating the smaller categories. Seems appropriate - like binding small feet. You connect the dots.

The excellent “Capote” and the almost excellent “Munich” rounded out the Best Motion Picture category and both scored five nominations overall. “Capote” is of course vying with “Brokeback Mountain” for the Best Actor prize, and we think . . . . . WAIT JUST A DAMN MINUTE!!!!!! Hold the olive, clutch the martini and slap the hag!

Our boyfriend Terrence Howard scored a Best Actor nod for the wonderful “Hustle & Flow”!!!!!!!!! Huzzah! Now if we can just convince the Academy to bump off Matt Dillon’s nomination in favor of his castmate Terrence’s for the overblown “Crash”, we’d be elated!

Also scoring five nominations was the popular biopic of Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash, “Walk the Line” which scored big with nods for Reese Witherspoon and Joaquin Phoenix for their lead turns. Thankfully, it too was shut out of the Best Picture race. We adored Reese and Joaquin and are keeping our fingers crossed for Reese to win, but the film was merely a polished run of the mill biopic and not a great film, certainly not deserving of the top nomination.

We now turn to our Best and Worst nominations of the day. The Best nomination was hands down for William Hurt’s brilliant, virtuoso supporting performance in “A History of Violence”. We are so crossing our pinkies for our boy Bill to win his second Oscar for his tour-de-force turn. Welcome back, you talented former hottie - we're so happy for you, we'd give you at least a handjob even though you are no longer the man of our dreams.

And by far and away, the Worst nomination this morning was for twenty year old Keira Knightley, who galloped her slack jawed horsey self thru the middling adaptation of “Pride & Prejudice.” We understand fully that the Academy has been desperate to anoint young actresses with their top prize ever since their beginnings, but choosing to honor Miss Knightley for her amateur line readings and limited dramatic skills ranks as one of their classic mistakes. For shame!

We understand that this might not have been the year for actresses, but we would rather have seen such previous Oscar nominees as Joan Allen, Liv Ullmann, Julianne Moore, Patricia Clarkson, Juliette Binoche or Naomi Watts score a nod for their wonderful work this past year than this British bint. Hell, the L.A. Critic’s pick, Vera Farmiga displayed far more talent and fire in her performance than Miss Knightley seems capable of in her entire lifespan. Yes, we feel that strongly against this young slag. So there.

Whew!! We’re going to close up with some shout outs to the nominees we loved this year: Brava and Bravo to Amy Adams, Catherine Keener, Frances McDormand, Michelle Williams, Felicity Huffman, Charlize Theron, David Strathairn, Paul Giamatti, the Cowboys and Woody Allen who earned his twenty first nomination for his Original Screenplay for the lovely “Match Point.”

Of course with all their scattering of the goods this year, they could have fucking found some spots for “The New World”, “Millions” and “Last Days” – all of which deserve to be nominated. And if anybody still thinks that Paul Haggis did a better job in directing “Crash” than Terrence Malick, Gus Van Sant, Ingmar Bergman or Peter Jackson’s work this year, we can only hope they get carjacked and left dead by the side of the road. So there. Nyah. Full list follows, Bless you all!

(Side note: Rumor has it the Academy is sending us some secret "Gay" message with their latest commemorative poster above - we don't know why anyone would think that a pair of burly hands wrapped tightly around a thirteen inch shaft of pure gold could ever read as "Gay". Weird.)

And the nominees are:

BEST MOTION PICTURE OF THE YEAR
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
CAPOTE
CRASH
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK.
MUNICH

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Judi Dench - MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
Felicity Huffman - TRANSAMERICA
Keira Knightley - PRIDE & PREJUDICE
Charlize Theron - NORTH COUNTRY
Reese Witherspoon - WALK THE LINE

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Amy Adams - JUNEBUG
Catherine Keener - CAPOTE
Frances McDormand - NORTH COUNTRY
Rachel Weisz - THE CONSTANT GARDENER
Michelle Williams - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Philip Seymour Hoffman - CAPOTE
Terrence Howard - HUSTLE & FLOW
Heath Ledger - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Joaquin Phoenix - WALK THE LINE
David Strathairn - GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK.

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
George Clooney - SYRIANA
Matt Dillon - CRASH
Paul Giamatti - CINDERELLA MAN
Jake Gyllenhaal - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
William Hurt - A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE

ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN – Ang Lee
CAPOTE – Bennett Miller
CRASH – Paul Haggis
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK. – George Clooney
MUNICH – Stephen Spielberg

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM OF THE YEAR
DON'T TELL - Italy
JOYEUX NOÈL - France
PARADISE NOW - Palestine
SOPHIE SCHOLL - THE FINAL DAYS - Germany
TSOTSI – South Africa

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM OF THE YEAR
HOWL'S MOVING CASTLE
TIM BURTON'S CORPSE BRIDE
WALLACE & GROMIT IN THE CURSE OF THE WERE-RABBIT

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN – Larry McMurtry & Diana Ossana
CAPOTE – Dan Futterman
THE CONSTANT GARDENER – Jeffrey Caine
A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE – Josh Olson
MUNICH – Tony Kushner & Eric Roth

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
CRASH – Paul Haggis & Bobby Moresco; Story by Paul Haggis
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK. – George Clooney & Grant Heslov
MATCH POINT – Woody Allen
THE SQUID AND THE WHALE – Noah Baumbach
SYRIANA – Stephen Gaghan

ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING
CINDERELLA MAN
THE CONSTANT GARDENER
CRASH
MUNICH
WALK THE LINE

ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY
BATMAN BEGINS
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK.
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
THE NEW WORLD

ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
PRIDE & PREJUDICE
WALK THE LINE

ACHIEVEMENT IN ART DIRECTION
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK.
HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE
KING KONG
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
PRIDE & PREJUDICE

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
DARWIN'S NIGHTMARE
ENRON: THE SMARTEST GUYS IN THE ROOM
MARCH OF THE PENGUINS
MURDERBALL
STREET FIGHT

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT
THE DEATH OF KEVIN CARTER: CASUALTY OF THE BANG BANG CLUB
GOD SLEEPS IN RWANDA
THE MUSHROOM CLUB
A NOTE OF TRIUMPH: THE GOLDEN AGE OF NORMAN CORWIN

ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKEUP
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE CINDERELLA MAN
STAR WARS: EPISODE III REVENGE OF THE SITH

ACHIEVEMENT IN MUSIC WRITTEN FOR MOTION PICTURES - (ORIGINAL SCORE)
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
THE CONSTANT GARDENER
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
MUNICH
PRIDE & PREJUDICE

ACHIEVEMENT IN MUSIC WRITTEN FOR MOTION PICTURES - (ORIGINAL SONG)
"In the Deep" - CRASH
"It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" - HUSTLE & FLOW
"Travelin' Thru" - TRANSAMERICA

BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM
BADGERED
THE MOON AND THE SON: AN IMAGINED CONVERSATION
THE MYSTERIOUS GEOGRAPHIC EXPLORATIONS OF JASPER MORELLO
9
ONE MAN BAND

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM
AUSREISSER (THE RUNAWAY)
CASHBACK
THE LAST FARM
OUR TIME IS UP
SIX SHOOTER

ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND EDITING
KING KONG
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
WAR OF THE WORLDS

ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND MIXING
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE
KING KONG
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
WALK THE LINE
WAR OF THE WORLDS

ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE
KING KONG
WAR OF THE WORLDS

The Guild Awards (Look for the Union Label!) - Fashion & Film Review

The Guild Awards – PGA, DGA and SAG Awards

Let’s hear it for the unions! Slap on your soiled wifebeater and grab the nearest Sharpie® and echo the iconic moment in “Norma Rae” whereupon Sally Field nabbed her first Oscar for portraying the eponymous communist sympathizer. We are here to celebrate the working actor / producer / directors who awarded their year end accolades to their respective members thereby tightening the Oscar horse derby which will announce their final nominees on Tuesday morning! Pay attention, since their respective members echo the Academy’s membership, they all have an excellent track record for matching the final Golden Boy outcome.

The 17th Annual Producers Guild Awards

While this group may have had its antecedents in 1950, they finally got around to presenting their annual awards circa 1990. This year, they chose to bestow their top award on that infamous “Gay Cowboy” flick “Brokeback Mountain” for its stunning emotional impact and artistic flair. Brava!

And no, we still don't know what bizarre kind of "Gay Baiting Laurel & Hardy" schtick the boys were doing last night when they introduced the clip to their flick. Shame, boys, shame.

17th Annual Producers Guild Awards
Sunday, January 22, 2006

The Winners:

Theatrical Motion Picture – “Brokeback Mountain”
Animated Motion Picture – “Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit”
Television: Long Form – “The Life and Death of Peter Sellers”
Television Series: Comedy – “Entourage”
Television Series: Drama – “Lost”
Television Series or Special: Non-Fiction – “60 Minutes”
Television Series or Special: Variety – “The Ellen Degeneres Show”

The 58th Annual Director’s Guild of America’s Awards

Their annual awards have been around since 1948 and in the past half century plus, they have disagreed with the final Oscar voting a mere six times in the past fifty six years! So odds are looking mighty nice for one little Taiwanese director of those notorious cowboys! Kudos to Ang Lee for winning the Feature Film Award for “Brokeback Mountain.”

Isn't it nice how they package their Award in a suitcase? Although, Ang might want to remember what happened in 2001! For you nitpickers, here are the famed discrepancies:

1968 – DGA to Anthony Harvey for “The Lion in Winter”
- Oscar to Carol Reed for “Oliver!”
1972 – DGA to Francis Ford Coppola for “The Godfather”
- Oscar to Bob Fosse for “Cabaret”
1985 – DGA to Steven Spielberg for “The Color Purple”
- Oscar to Sydney Pollack for “Out of Africa”
(Spielberg failed to receive an Oscar nomination that year.)
1995 – DGA to Ron Howard for “Apollo 13”
- Oscar to Mel Gibson for “Braveheart”
(Opie failed to receive an Oscar nomination that year.)
2001 – DGA to Ang Lee for “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”
- Oscar to Steven Soderbergh for “Traffic”
2003 – DGA to Rob Marshall for “Chicago”
- Oscar to Roman Polanski for “The Pianist”

Still and all, it seems safe to bet the farm on Ang. And we applaud that, those rascally cowpokes have been buttfucking their way to cleaning up most of the major awards this year, and we are hear to say . . . . well, hear! Hear! And then, the SAG Awards happened. Last night. And the boys were shut out like . . . well like a pair of gay cowboys in rural Wyoming. Onto the roundup!


The 12th Annual Screen Actors Guild of America’s Awards

While this famed and powerful union first made its debut way back in 1933, famously splitting from the Academy – it only got around to handing out prizes for acting in 1994. While they are relatively new on the Awards scene, their voting body echoes the Academy’s very closely and has resulted in a good scorecard for the final grand prize in La La Land. And last night, they handed out their hideous looking awards. (Seriously, who designed that thing?) The “Brokeback” boys took a beating, and not in a fun roughhouse way. Their crew lost in all their categories. Shame.

The top awards went to some of the same faces we’ve been seeing lately at the podium – Philip Seymour Hoffman, Reese Witherspoon, Paul Giamatti and Rachel Weisz won the film acting honors, with the overblown tribute of white guilt “Crash” nabbing the Ensemble Acting honors away from much more deserving films. Honestly, if anybody else tries to convince us that Sandra Bullock, Matt Dillon and Thandie Newton delivered great performances – we’re gonna lynch them, no matter what color they are.

Our favorite moments last night both revolved around the presentation of the Life Achievement Award to former child megastar, Miss Shirley Temple Black. Ole Shirl looked great in her Quacker’s inspired glitzy top – hey, she’s old and endearing, we’re cutting her some slack. And her speech was blessedly succinct and heartfelt. (We think there are more deserving actresses in Hollywood lore they could have feted, but we’ll let this go.) And the second best moment of the night was Jamie Lee Curtis walking out to present Shirl with her ugly statue and almost taking an Ann-Margret style tumble into the orchestra pit en route. Good save, ya nutty hermaphrodite!


On to the Bloody Red Carpet! (And before you say it, yes the Best and Worst Dressed of the night seem strangely familiar . . .)


The Best Dress of the Night
Shades of the Golden Globes!
Our winner is none other than that talented little eggroll, Ziyi Zhang who was unfortunately nominated for her slight work in the horribly overblown “Memoirs of a Geisha.” While that film tanked, her look has lately been flawless! She’s single handedly turning us into Rice Queens! We’re fairly certain that her success in working the red carpet has more to do with her stunning looks, her built for couture – read: boyish body, and the ability to pull off any look. This woman is GORGEOUS! And while this dress is not yet ready for our Hall of Fame category, it flatters and fits wonderfully. Brava! Again!

The Worst Dress of the Night
Shades of the Golden Globes, Part II
Reese Witherspoon in YSL, Walking a VERY Thin Line!!
Hot on the heels of winning this award for the Golden Globes, Reese Witherspoon again proves that an “A” list actress, a shoe in for the Oscar nomination and the main frontrunner this year is a complete mess when dealing with fashion options for awards shows. We do not know who her stylist is, but we would like to take them out back and bludgeon them to death. Unless this dress was plucked straight out of “Project Runway”, the episode where the wannabes were forced at needlepoint to recreate a roll of toilet paper – there is no excuse. Reese is a talented comedienne who pulled out all the stops this year to create the fabulous reincarnation of the legendary June Carter Cash, and for the life of us we cannot fathom why she cannot spend two seconds deciding on an appropriate look! Especially since, she looked flawless in the late 50s and early 60s ensembles she sported in “Walk the Line”. Reese, here is a tip for the Oscars, since we are positive you will hear your name called on Tuesday morning. Call the designer from your film, get them to copy that stunning gown you wore, you remember, the white diva schmatta you sported in the second half and tell them to either copy it directly or use it for inspiration. Why a pretty, young, talented actress like yourself would want to dress like a fifty year old housewife attending her husbands retirement from the shoe factory is beyond us. For shame! We hope we never have to award you our “Worst” again. Honestly!


Mission Impassible Due to the Intestinal Blockage.
Peter Graves and Barbara Bain
Years ago, when we were the youngest of bitches, Miss Barbara Bain thrilled us to no end with her Emmy Award winning espionage role on the original “Mission Impossible” and her later work with the breakthrough sci-fi cult classic “Space: 1999”. When she first waddled onto the stage last night barely managing to support and direct the mummy that was once Peter Graves to the podium, we had to glance twice. Is that really a see-through midriff she is sporting at her crypt calling age, or are our eyes deceiving us. They were not. Babs. We adored you once, but we berate you repeatedly for daring to flash your septuagenarian flab at our faces on national television.

The Princess Whore
Anne Hathaway in Nina Ricci, who has blessedly stepped away from the “Joker” lipstick she sported at the Golden Globes, but instead opted for Rose’s waterlogged death frock from “Titanic.” For shame! Again, we must opt for the Reese Witherspoon diatribe. Anne, you are far too young and beautiful to be looking like a bucket of shit. We understand you are not quite “A” list, but your film is the Oscar front runner. Pull it together, bitch! We know you can.

Desperate No Longer!
Felicity Huffman in Nicole Miller. Honey, you done us proud! We had grown so tired and frustrated with your Midwestern-not-so finery (This gal really loves the bedazzler.), that when we spied you coming up the carpet in this simple yet elegant frock combined with a classical upswept do – we almost burst into tears. It may not have been the best dress of the evening, but it was definitely the winner for Most Improved Buswreck! Brava! (We really hope she maintains her momentum for the Big Night, if the Oscar Gods decree to nominate her.)

¿Que Mierda?
This puta bitch keeps on surprising us! We never expected much from the least talented Housewife on the block, but Eva Longoria pulled it together for the Globes, and while she is playing it safe with the Badgley Mischka frock and period pseudo Marcel wave, we think she looks just fine. Especially for a Mexican American puta.


Marcel Wave Bye-Bye
And as far as 1930s inspired hairdos go, Eva had it all over this plump bitch. Patricia Arquette who apparently just underwent electro shock therapy to reduce her mop to scattered remnants of her once luxurious curls.

Cute as a Junebug
Amy Adams, who was so fucking good in “Junebug”, we’ll forgive the heavy eyeliner. The dress we actually don’t mind that much. We just find it a tad severe for such a translucent gal. It’s certainly dramatic enough, and at this point we were so happy she was nominated, we’re set to move on.

. . . and then this happened.
Nicolette Sheridan in Kevan Hall, who is still attempting to va va voom the whole damn world. If it’s possible to shove her tits and ass in our face at the same time, she’s succeeding. We have never been fond of the Fishtail frock, they only work for mermaids. And lady, you are so far from your maiden years it would crack your leathery face just to mention it.

Blandtastic!
Charlize Theron in Giorgio Armani Couture
By now, we have almost given up hope on the once golden girl. We admired her performance in “North Country” greatly, and wish her well in her future endeavors. We also wish she would find a knockout dress to showcase her stunning beauty. We also wish for world peace, a midnight romp in the hay with the “Brokeback” boys, and a really tasty non-fat ice cream. It looks like we’re not getting any of our wishes granted this year. Ho hum.

Making the Boys and Girls Cry
Hilary Swank in Giambattista Valli. Well, we have always kind of admired her ability to overcome her trailer parkish past come red carpet time. Perhaps it’s the memory of her powerful tranny turn, but she always seems a little harsh around the edges. Although we admire her for getting all girly and gussied up for us. We’re feeling benevolent on the eve of the Oscar nominations, and since this bitch owns two of the little men – we’ll let her walk on by.


We See What the Boys in the Backroom Have Had
Geena Davis in Escada who is really embracing the whole “Wild West Madame” look she has been sporting lately. (Please see our Golden Globe recap . . . or don’t if you want to save your retinas.) Yes, yes, we know she has never been the fashion icon someone so statuesque deserves to be . . . but Good Lord, Geena! Enough with the 19th century whore look! Unless you plan on ditching “Commander in Chief” for “Deadwood” – in which case, we might actually tune in.

The Closest She’ll Ever Come to Fondling a Real Man
Teri Hatcher holding one of those heinous statues for her ensemble work on “Desperate Housewives”. She is certainly not receiving any awards for the ensemble she’s sporting. Talk about way too much going on! The top is a flouncy Grecian inspired number, slap on a bandeau belt, rusching gone wild highlighting her sagging vulva, and then of course to top it all off – a fucking train. This is an affront to all humanity. Somebody, please grab that stupid little man and club her over the head with it! Thanks.

If I'd Known You Were Coming, I'd Have Burned My Face
Jaime Pressly, who is simply marvelous in “My Name is Earl.” We never knew that this processed blonde could muster the moxy to pull of a superb comic performance on a weekly basis, but we applaud her for finally arriving. We do not applaud her love of the tanning salon, and we really wish the girls would think twice before they microwave their epidermis to Cancer Town. The dress is particularly bland in a Miss Universe kind of way, but we so adore Jaime – we’ll let her off with a warning.

Talent Will Out
Catherine Keener in Oscar de la Renta
We get it. You're so talented, why bother looking nice? This saddens us. We adore Catherine and think she did brilliant turn as Harper Lee in "Capote." But a schmatta is still just a schmatta. Try a little harder, Cathy - you have the capability to look stunning. We just know it!

Gray's Anatomy? Try Hanging Skeleton
Ellen Pompeo in Dior by John Galliano
Now this sad sack of bones, literally, has no talent. Literally. Unless you count the ability to induce vomiting and still maintain a bustline, no matter how droopy a "talent." We suppose. Only in Hollywood, kids.

Dr. Quinn, Crazy Bitch
We’ve always suspected that Jane Seymour was a few tassels short of a drape, but attempting to dress like a Rockette at a New Year’s Eve gang bang is really bringing it home for us.


Freak and a Geek
Linda Cardellini in a bedsheet from the Martha Stewart Everyday® collection. This is just plain retarded. And don’t even start us on the lumpy curls circling her head. Even with last night’s tribute to Shirley Temple – this does not excuse the rag curls. Linda, honey. You were so good on “Freaks & Geeks” and in “Brokeback Mountain” – put some effort into it, will ya?


Wicked? Try, Horrid.
Kristin Chenoweth of the Alvin & the Chipmunks squeak, flashing her wicked little cooter at us. Nice. Real classy. For a stump with pipes, this midget ear widget has worn out what little welcome she ever had.

And We Are Telling You, You Need to Be Going!
Loretta Devine, who we think is a wonderful actress – unfortunately appeared in “Crash” this year and still insists on wearing her rehearsal dress from her “Dreamgirls” days. Listen up, bitch – that was over twenty years ago, and yes we know they’re finally making a movie based on the long ago Broadway hit, and we still don’t care.


“The Girl Can’t Help It” - the Long Avoided Sequel.
Mariska Hargitay in Carolina Herrara, who we keep trying to defend. We know, we know. We’re partial to the whole “Hollywood Legacy” line. So sue us. But then we have to remember that her mother was really just a second rate Marilyn Monroe and a slut. So I guess we’re finally over it. And as our chum, the most august Reverend said last night: “It looks like somebody took a dump on her shoulder.” Yes, Mariska – there is an insanity clause. It clearly states that any actress on a hackneyed spin-off cop drama will:
A. Not sport a bad wig or wiglet or fall.
B. Especially if the color of the aforementioned wiglet is three tones darker than the rest of your head.
And finally, C. Even if you are Jayne Mansfield’s daughter and pregnant, try keeping the twins under wraps.

Low Times
Mary Louise Parker in J. Mendel
So talented. So charming. So put upon. So confused as to what to wear to these damn awards shows! We suppose settling for an Evening Dress / Tea Dress combination might be her inspiration. That or she’s just stoned out of her fricking gourd. We’ll opt for the latter.

Couldn’t Get Arrested in this Gown . . . Oops.
Michelle Rodriguez, newly out of the cooler and feeling fresh as a blast of Binaca chased with some Gatorade to mask the stink and replenish the fluids she lost when she stuck her head out of her leased Jetta and hurled all the way from Maui to Waui. Classy broad. Horrible actress. (Have you watched her amazing range of “Angry” to “Semi-Angry” on “Lost” lately?) And just plain buswreck. We don’t really care what she’s wearing. She is officially dead to us. And if she doesn’t lay off the flask, she might be dead to all of us soon. Fingers crossed.

So, in closing we were grateful to some of the gals for at least attempting a look – and the rest can go fuck themselves. We're looking at you, Miss Witherspoon - you are on very thin ice! Pull it together you BITCHES!! Except Shirley Temple Black – who we just love. Brava! Now make sure and set your alarm clocks for bright and early tomorrow morning for the Oscar nominations! We’re so excited, we could just shit. On Mariska Hargitay. Bless you all!

The 12th Annual SAG Award Winners

Film Ensemble - Crash
Female Actor, Lead - Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line
Male Actor, Lead - Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote
Female Actor, Supporting - Rachel Weisz for The Constant Gardener
Male Actor, Supporting - Paul Giamatti for Cinderella Man

Television Ensemble in a Drama Series - Lost
Female Actor Drama Series - Sandra Oh for Grey's Anatomy
Male Actor Drama Series - Keifer Sutherland for 24
Ensemble in a Comedy Series - Desperate Housewives
Female Actor Comedy Series - Felicity Huffman for Desperate Housewives
Male Actor Comedy Series - Sean Hayes for Will and Grace
Female Actor in a Television Movie or Mini Series - S. Epatha Merkerson for Lackawanna Blues
Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries - Paul Newman for Empire Falls

Bubble - Movie Review

Bubble 2005

Pity Steven Soderbergh. Oscar winning director, able to assemble high powered all star casts with a touch of his assistant’s speed dial – and still he’s worried about becoming complacent or stale as an artist. Pity the director who doesn’t test his own talent now and again. And finally, pity the current state of cinema and remember the halcyon glory days of being able to enjoy a film in a real movie theatre with the full big screen treatment. With his latest experiment, Steven may actually be revolutionizing the movie industry in the biggest way since Al Jolson opened his blackface lips and belted out “Mammy!”

For those of you not in the know, this weekend marked the theatrical opening of “Bubble”, Steven Soderbergh’s latest, and this coming week you will be able to LEGALLY rent or purchase it on DVD, and view or download it via the web. And it’s just the start of a six picture deal Mr. Soderbergh has with HDNet Films to produce, shoot and release high-definition digital films in such a fashion. All this might be a fancy and gimmicky way to pitch the picture, but honestly, who besides New Yorkers and Los Angelinos really gives a shit about marketing ploys? And who really goes to see Steven Soderbergh movies that don’t feature Julia Roberts? Well, we do. And surprise, surprise, this one is quite the little gem! (Probably due to the absence of a certain horse jawed actress.)

Steven is nothing if not ambitious in his neurotic pursuit of artistic variance. Since his blisteringly hot breakthrough with the Indy film festival scorcher “Sex, Lies and Videotape”, he has alternating his own brand of personal examinations into the lives of his subjects with glossier fare that reeks of “sell out” to lesser mortals. What he and his sometimes co-star, our pal George Clooney, have done for themselves harkens back to the great Burt Lancaster’s methodology. Star in a few potential blockbusters, film some mainstream “hot topic” fare, pick up a few Oscars – God willing – and then go film whatever the fuck you really want to work on to get your creative juices flowing.

Current legend has it, that Soderbergh ditched the typical urban locations, opted for low rent all the way, hunted out some non-professional actors, lied about his name knowing full well that only people who actually attend the Oscars could possibly recognize him – and quietly made this little pic for a mere pittance. Yet, unlike his muddled and lackluster “Full Frontal”, this flick actually works.

“Bubble” tells the tale of a small town, barely able to support itself, and three of its inhabitants. One Martha, a middle aged hard working blue collar gal who takes care of her elderly father, enjoys her carbs and works at the nearby plastic doll factory. Her co-worker is an apparently sweetly laid back young man named Kyle who gladly accepts Martha’s friendship if it means a free ride to work. Into their time clock punching lifestyle enters a new employee. A young lady named Rose, who if this were a film noir of the 1940’s would have entered sucking on a ciggie, sporting a fabulous hat avec veil and sporting a sparkling ankle bracelet. But it ain’t. But she does have the right attitude! Soon, before you can say S-L-U-T! Rose is quietly charming Kyle away from his chatty fat friend and into her own world of trailer park trash, replete with two year old brat and violent ex-boyfriend. What happens one night during Kyle and Rose’s first official date is the center of this film . . . and for the sake of those of you who are busy downloading, renting or God forbid, actually planning on seeing it in a theatre the way the movie Gods intended it to be seen – whew! – where were we? Oh yeah, don’t worry we won’t spoil any surprises.
Suffice to say, that what Soderbergh has done is a clever, entertaining and certainly at a trim 73 minute running time, very concise little potboiler that eschews Hollywood glamour for Peoria drammer. The three central leads are indeed played by “un-professionals”, and they are quite fine in their individual performances. We don’t think that Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie should necessarily worry that they will be stealing any of their upcoming starring roles, post baby, but they acquit themselves nicely. Some critics have labeled their work extraordinary, and we agree in the sense that they could easily have been Community Theatre Clowns that risked blowing Steven’s little experiment to hell and back. But, we must protest that while we enjoyed their work – we realized that the crafty SS used all his cinematic know-how to frame the actors carefully, relying on perfectly timed reaction shots that registered little characterization and relied more on the inherit truthfulness of their off screen personas. This is not a film that relies on grand theatrics. It has a wonderfully cold quality that is perfectly in synch with digital film. Whatever may become of the future of film stock, digital film will never replace the “Silver Screen” quality of film that transcends the everyday and becomes a shimmering canvas for such visionary auteurs as Terrence Malick, Ang Lee, Francis Ford Coppola, Martin Scorsese to Ingmar Bergman and Robert Altman. But we digress.

“Bubble” is a wonderful depiction of the inherit violence we are all capable of. A cautionary tale of petty jealousies, desires and egos. The reason it works so well, is that it is indeed a “Bubble” of sorts. These people are the backbone of a working society, and their immediate life stories are ones we recognize simply enough – even if the particulars may lie outside our own existence. We loved the cold, hard and yes, plastic look to the film. It may be a little too obvious in its trimmed down storytelling, but it never fails to entertain. For that we are eternally grateful to ole SS. Now, if the success of this film does indeed mean that we are entering a new age of home video overtaking a true movie going experience, we hope to live long enough to piss and spit on Steven’s grave! We hope against the potential mediocrity of the situation, that this is not the case. Bless you all!

Directed by Steven Soderbergh
Written by Coleman Hough

Starring
Dustin James Ashley as Kyle
Debbie Doebereiner as Martha
Misty Dawn Wilkins as Rose
Decker Moody as Police Inspector
Laurie Lee as Kyle’s Mother
Kyle Smith as Jake

Original Music by Robert Pollard
Cinematography by Peter Andrews (LIES! It’s really Steven Soderbergh under an alias!)
Film Editing by Mary Ann Bernard (LIES, PART TWO!! Again, it’s Steve. Mary Ann? What is he trying to tell us?)