Sunday, January 16, 2005

The 62nd Annual Golden Globes

Well, it’s over. The Awards show that makes us wretch and squirm. Some folks enjoy the Golden Globes, we do not. They are the bastard stepchild with Herpes and a runny nose that nobody wants to fully embrace. We will give them credit for offering us the opportunity to bitch slap a few celebs, as to their fashion choices. But wait, who won the 62nd Golden Globes last night? Who cares. The Hollywood Foreign Press votes for them. Look them up, and then tell us you value their opinions on films.

And on to the fashion . . .

We’re going to start with the Best. In our humble opinion. Cate Blanchett sporting a Jean Paul Gaultier. Gone are the days of Bullet Bras and Donkey Skins for JP! Bravo Cate, for taking inspiration from your role as the other great Kate – Katharine Hepburn in “The Aviator”. It clings and sweeps in all the right places. It’s the Swiffer® of Fashion!! And now, of course, the worst . . .Star Jones in a Glad Recycle Bag with Strings. Please note the $7Million piece of ice stapled to her fleshy bosom. She certainly did during the preshow. About 184 times. She was also mistakenly under the assumption that she was attending the Essence Awards. We just loved watching her nab every black celeb within earshot – quite a feat when you think about it. She practically hopped over to the Hollywood Cemetery to dig up Hattie McDaniel and Butterfly McQueen to ask their opinion of her bauble, and mention the fact that she was married. Now look, just because Jamie Foxx was nominated for three GG’s doesn’t mean that Hollywood is ready to go “A-List” with minorities. Who will they get to play drug addicts, drivers and criminals? Oh yeah, Jamie Foxx did. Oopsy. Moving on.Back from the Dead . . . and we’re still ignoring them. You know who. Ipecac.Clive Owen. Option No.1 for our future husband. Here he is with some Katie Holmes lookylikey in a testing pattern frock that does symbolize the latest trend showcased last night on the red carpet. COLOR! COLOR! COLOR!
Maybe Star Jones had a point?That’s Nicole Kidman in Gucci. Perhaps you’ve heard of her? (Bitch needs a nice vacation in our opinion) She did to manage pull herself together since the debacle of the Gold flapper dress bomb a few red carpets back. We could have done without the dead peacock glue gunned to her shoulder, but things could be worse. Claire Danes in Valentino couture. We know, we know – who let this wash up in? Well, the GG’s have a particular fondness for Nymphet types – and as far as they go, we don’t find this little bint that offensive.

This bint, we find offensive.Emmy Rossum in Ralph Lauren. The more we think about it, the more overrated you appear to us. You won’t be able to hind behind that whole “I’m so young and talented” crap if you keep making cinematic abortions like “The Phantom of the Opera”. And while it might be fine for an 18 year old to wear white, don’t push it. Especially when you’re cursed with a complete lack of bone structure.
Best of luck in your future endeavors!Goldie Hawn. Oh my stars and garters. Look what has become of our former kewpie doll charmer. Completely unable to breathe properly since her latest round of tug-o-war with her plastic surgeon, our little Goldie is now forced to breathe at a 45 degree angle, much like a goldfish bobbing for skin flakes. Nice.

Was it so long ago that she was young and naturally tight?Daughter, Kate Hudson, should take a good hard look at Momma before she starts injecting any Cow Placenta into her cheekbones. She doesn’t look that hideous in Atelier Versace, but please – heed our warning before it’s too late!!!!! It’s officially too late for this one.Raquel Welch. At one time, the sexiest woman alive. At this time . . . well, if truth be told, she’s managed to hold onto some vestige of allure. But we can’t escape the feeling that if we lifted her skirt, three gay midgets would pop out holding duct tape and marionette strings.

Gay midgets? Where’s Tom Cruise when you need a good rimshot to a punchline? NOT THAT HE’S GAY, WE WOULD NEVER SAY THAT!!

We’ll just leave you with a pic of Kevin Spacey. The very definition of masculinity.
Cough, cough.And speaking of masculine . . . Diane Keaton. Who will simply not give up the Annie Hall look, even when confronted with 47 yards of petticoats. This He/She combo makes our thyroid itch. Even Goldie is laughing at you! Wait, we forgot, Goldie can't really unfreeze that look. Never mind. We love you, Diane! Please pull it together.Speaking of Diane’s former fuck buddies . . .
Mr. & Mrs. Warren Beatty. Annette has firmly accepted the role of “Woman of a Certain Age”, and has opted for the black beaded look, read: Boring Old Twat Look.
Sad. She is still a lovely woman, in fine shape – body and acting chops included. We’ll cross our fingers for an upcoming Oscar nom for your GG winning role in “Being Julia”. And we’ll pray for your slow, painful death, Miss Christine Lahti. Hey, quick joke: “What do Christine Lahti and Oskar Schindler have in common?” You guessed it – they both have poles up their asses. We won’t go into the details, but this shit stain on the red carpet really chafes our butts. If we hear that stupid story of her being in the bathroom that one year when she won a GG – which come to think about it, explains the Golden Shower pattern on this pathetic excuse for evening wear.Speaking of Golden. Mr & Mrs. Wayne Newton everybody! Boy, you don’t get much bigger than this! The Golden Globes, people! A-LIST ALL THE WAY!!!!Mischa Barton sporting Azzaro. And you thought we couldn’t top the mega wattage celebritydom of the Newtons! Ho Boy, were you wrong! Miss Barton’s name will soon be on the lips of everyone! Much like her cootchie. Hey, primetime soap starlets aren’t just born famous you know, they’re made! Made on the floor of every casting agent’s office between Cahuenga and Pico Blvds. Trollop.Debra Messing
Ooooof. At first, we were excited to see color overflowing, and then this bitch walks in and drains the place dry. Suddenly, it’s the frigging black and white ball. You had to shit on the Technicolor parade, didn’t ya, ya hag? Oh, Look. Finally, some variety!!!!Juliana Marguiles & Megan Mullally Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
For Fuck’s Sake!! For all the Goddamn press that these stupid Globes get, you’d think even TV hanger-on’s like these two floozies would take a crowbar to their purses and invest some time and energy in their look! Wasn’t anybody even trying???Halle Berry in Valentino. We hate this look. This – one tit points to heaven, the other to her moneymaker – look. Additional eyesore of tier upon tier of tissue paper trickling down to form a complete disaster. Much like her career. Oh come off it! Oscar, Schmoscar! So the bitch wins an Oscar, for her porn turn in Monster’s Ball. And then follows it up with a James Bond flick, and “X-men” sequel and “Catwoman”.
You decide.Charlize Theron in Christian Dior couture. Well, the hair can be explained by the film she’s currently shooting. And we like the blue. Alright, we’ll step back this one time only. Again, you better get your shit together come Oscar time!! You gotta present Best Actor this year. Don’t let us down.Hilary Swank in Calvin Klein. We had been worried about her post “Boys Don’t Cry” Best Actress Oscar. A couple of bad career choices had apparently doomed her, but then, out pops this “Million Dollar Baby”, and all is forgiven. Except the fact that you pulled your hair back into a ponytail. That is unforgivable. Bitch is depriving some queen hairstylist in WeHo of his Blow money. Back from the dead, Part II.
Uma Thurman in Christian Dior. This progenitor of the Holocaust Chic look, has had more career resuscitations than Marlene Dietrich. They do share those high cheekbones and ability to look natural whilst holding a gun. Handy skills for any actress.Anjelica Huston in Calvin Klein.
Well, let’s just say it. At some age, you have to accept defeat. Anjie had “the look” for about two minutes in the early 70’s, and she should be thankful. She at least inherited her grandfather’s acting chops, and sadly her dad’s face.

Slightly more lucky in the DNA department, was last night’s Best Actress in a TV Drama: Mariska Hargitay for Law & Order: Cannibalistic Ritual Slayings or somesuch.We found it to be the most touching speech of the night. Apparently only to us, tho. When Mariska noted that her mother had won a GG 49 years prior, you could hear crickets in the audience. Miss Hargitay’s momma was of course, the 50’s sex bomb, Miss Jayne Mansfield.
Noted for her acting skills. Just take a gander at Momma Mansfield’s acting chops in this period pic.
Now, that’s Talent, with a capital T!Hollywood Royalty was simply oozing out from behind every table last night!Miss Joely Richardson, of TV’s Nip / Tuck, and seedling of course to Vanessa Redgrave and Tony Richardson. If you don’t know who they are, please go get a gun and kindly shoot yourselves between the eyes. We thought that Miss Richardson looked lovely draped in this Grecian ode from Katherine Walker. Less fortunate, in the Gene Pool Sweepstakes, was last night’s Miss Golden Globe a.k.a. Clint Eastwood’s daughter. She’s the pig in the middle. Literally.
I realize that she might have grown up on the family’s cattle ranch, but good lord honey, you don’t eat the whole cow!!!!!
Just one steak at a time. And no potato for youGlenn Close in vintage Geoffrey Beene. We’re gonna give this Aryan wench credit for accepting the “Mamie Eisenhower lace look” as one of the few options a horse headed old slag can pull off successfully. Or semi-successfully in this case.
The new Glenn Close. Laura Linney in Prada. Face the facts whitey, you’re already playing dowdy middle aged wives, such as your nominated Mrs. Kinsey. A remake of “Fatal Attraction” may indeed be in your horizons. Boiling a bunny isn’t really that cruel, considering at least 30 rabbits must have died testing that Goth eyeliner look you so liberally applied to your lids with a floor mop.

And here’s the mop:Miranda Richardson.
So much talent. So little taste. Do the old British gals get together and decide who can out Hag who? Go ahead, Randa, pull that choker tighter. Please. Crossing the Hag pond.
From the Brits to these Saggy Tits:Count your blessings that it ain’t a close-up. How can five women on the hottest show on primetime have so little collective talent? And all of it resting on Felicity Huffman’s shoulders. Here’s a closer look at the “Desperate Housewives”.Teri Hatcher in Donna Karan. Perfect. One middle-aged harridan dressed by a middle-aged shrew. A twelve year old prostitute in Panama would find this dress “tacky”. This cow actually won the Best Actress in TV Comedy GG. Go figure.Marcia Cross in Richard Tyler.
Miss Cross has actually maintained her whippet thin torso thru a careful regimen of espresso enemas and hourly bulimic trots to the W.C. And then she picks this black lace comforter which practically screams “granny”. You’re not that old, Marcia. Lighten up.Nicolette Sheridan. Fast approaching the Jocelyn Wildenstein phase of her career. Keep up the Botox, and it’s just a matter of time, Nicky, before this happens:Now that the kid gloves are off, let’s take a look at the nominees for:
Worst Dressed at the Globes!Diane Kruger in Marchesa. This Nazi, fresh from her career killing Helen of Troy in . . . well, “Troy” has decided to throw caution and her midriff to the wind by stopping at the nearest Pier 1, running by the 75% Off Table and snagging their deeply discounted “Christmas Tree Skirt from Addis Ababa”. What is this?Lisa Marie Presley and trailer park escort.
Well, who really expected Elvis’ daughter to amount to anything? She has succeeded nobly on this account. Failed marriage to Michael Jackson – check. Failed music career – check. Failure in general – check.Melina Kanakaredes
That name means nothing to us, either. What would make a woman choose this travesty? Oh, she’s Greek! Say no more. The man slowly trying to edge himself away is Anthony La Paglia.Paula Abdul
Well, the best we can say is that she was never attractive, nor talented, nor stylish. So all in all, it’s not really surprising to see her wearing a toss off from the Ice Capades. Or the 5 inch heels from Parade Shoes. We include her on the list for the extra high level of hideousness and her complete and total lack of shame in continuing to appear in public.Minnie Driver
Knees bent. Lips parted. Palm extended for change. A position she should be used to by now. She’s making her “comeback” in “The Phantom of the Opera”. Yes, you read that correctly. We’re not sure why the gals are so fond of lace and lace overlays this year, but let’s just clear this up right here and now. You’re still a slagheap. And draping some dainty little lace over your inflated melons ain’t gonna remedy that situation.

Oh, Thank God! Somebody attractive and with talent!Naomi Watts in Valentino.
Not your career best, but you’re still a welcome sight to our whore stained eyes.
Bless you, my child.Natalie Portman in Chloé
For a second, we thought it might be Elijah Wood in a Victorian swaddling gown. We weren’t too upset when she upset the favored Virginia Madsen for Best Supporting Actress (it is the Globes after all), but the second she opened her mouth and out spewed the Valley Girl speak - It was over for us. Loved you in “Garden State”, admired your work in “Closer”, and are counting the days till you drop dead.Virginia Madsen in Calvin Klein.
The pale periwinkle is working alright, you might reconsider a stronger girdle, we grew edgy watching you suck in your gut all evening long. Ginny, we’re still rooting for you come Oscar time. Jennifer Garner in vintage Valentino
She usually pulls it together, but honestly we don’t care anymore. Jenny, you’re dead to us. “Alias” keeps lumbering on. We don’t care about “Elektra”, and we care even less about your lovelife. It’s gonna take a “Sunset Boulevard” level comeback for you to get on our good side now. Stay home.Kate Winslet in Valentino
Not a good pic, but trust us, Miss Winslet is looking ravishing nowadays. She is awfully fond of black lately. Don’t be afraid of color, Katie! We forgive you for “Titanic” and the gown you wore to the Oscars that year. Come on, Katie, venture out a little!!!Your old sparring partner, Leonardo di Caprio walked off with the Best Actor GG last night, and you know what? He kinda deserves the recognition. We love “The Aviator”, and think it’s the kind of grand old storytelling that Hollywood used to pull off effortlessly, and is so in decline, since . . . well, 1972. Anyway, Leo and Kate, we wouldn’t mind seeing you kids together again – jut promise us no James Cameron.
And if you feel the need to sink something:Scarlett Johansson in Roland Mouret.
Feel free to sink her. The promising start that Scarlett showed in “Ghost World” and “Lost in Translation” has waned. The ball is over, creampuff. Pack it up.Reneé Zellweger in Carolina Herrara.
Bitch, what are you so pissed off about? Oh, that’s just your regular bloated grimace. Our mistake. Which apparently was your nickname as a child. Promise us you’ll be smarter than your trashy mother and keep your legs tied together for life. We wouldn’t want any more of your kind walking around.Johnny Depp
Pimped out and double breasted . . . we’d still gladly do him. He can spread his glorious seed anywhere he likes. Please, the man fucked Vanessa Paradis, Winona Ryder and Jennifer Grey it’s not like he’s picky about where he sprays.
Speaking of Spraying. Javier Bardem. He’s on the right. To his left, Alejandro Amenábar who directed Javvy in "The Sea Inside". We’d add Señor Bardem to the list of “fuckable”. A list growing by leaps and bounds lately– to include Gerard Butler and Clive Owen
And our old elven buddy, Orland Bloom. Ahhhh. And now, here's somebody who tops the list of extremely UNfuckable:Andrew Lloyd Webber
Makes you slightly nauseous, doesn’t it? Although, seeing him this close does explain why he chose “The Phantom of the Opera” as a source material.


Quentin Tarantino, to the right of David Carradine (who was just tops in Kill Bill I & II). While we admire the one two chop of both Kill Bill’s, we wouldn’t wanna wake up next to Hatchet Face Tarantino, in which case we’re sure we would pluck out our own eyeballs in order to ease the torture.Not at all at risk of sleeping with either man:Portia di Rossi in Valentino
She’s a clamdiver, in case you didn’t know. So she would seem safe from the erstwhile charms of Messrs Lloyd Webber or Tarantino. And technically, yes, being a Sister of Sappho would help us understand why she opted for this get-up, but we’re simply not buying it. Flannel would almost have been preferable. Sandra Oh
Congrats on furthering racking up the awards for Sideways. Could you back away from the camera lens about four feet. It helps. Wait Just a Minute!! Did you just change dresses and come back up the red carpet??? Oh, our mistake, this is Lisa Ling. So Solly.Apparently we’ve come to the Telesluthostess portion of our evening. Jann Carl
At some point, somebody must have uttered “Think Pink” and this twat just won’t let it go! First it was the Broadcast Critics Awards, now the Globes. Jannie, honey, take it from us – the pink ain’t helping. Nobody really cares about you hussies anyways. If they did, we might actually recognize you. Sadly, we do recognize this one, coming up from behind.Mary Hart
Wow. That’s some kinda stupid, getting a Shirley Temple hairstyle when you’re approaching your 60th birthday.Kathy Griffin
Redefining the word “Stupid”. Kathy was drafted by E! to help Star Jones cover the carpet. At what point Kathy, do the self-deprecating puns become a desperate cry for attention and veritable fortress of denial? The dream is over, Ms. Griffin. Wave, “bye-bye”!

And so we bid adieu to the 62nd Golden Globes. We look forward to the SAG awards, and of course, the big night – The Oscars. Coming soon!! Bless you all!