Monday, May 02, 2005

Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum

Hello Mr. And Mrs. Fashionista and All Ships at Sea! Whilst Oscar season 2006 may be eons away – we here on the Bloody Red Carpet are not just whiling away the hours eating Bon Bons and getting Manis and Pedis! Oh no, we keep our eyes peeled (sometimes covered with a nice cucumber slice – with just a skootch of Rosemary) and our ears open. Our spies at a certain nationally distributed gossip rag – we won’t say what magazine, but it rhymes with People, have alerted us to the latest “Step and Repeat and Upchuck” travesty. The Costume Institute Party of the Year! And while at first we were hesitant to stray from the glamour, glitter and heartache of Actresses competing for the limelight and little gold bald men, well, honestly we could not be so callous as to ignore our spies heartfelt plea to put down the Gimlet for a few mo’s and point our well groomed noggin at barbed wit at some truly frightening Mo’s.

And away we go!Nicole Kidman in Chanel
Perhaps you might have heard of her? No? Well let us help you – this Ozzie Huzzie, one time Escort, . . . er Wife of Tom Cruise and Oscar winning “Actrice” is now officially dead to us. While this may not be the most hideous choice of frock, we simply cannot muster the energy or good will to further endorse Miss Kidman in anyway possible. Perhaps it was one to many viewings of “The Birthday Girl” (who are we kidding, we tossed that Netflix rental into the fire after about ten seconds of putting up with her failed Russian accent attempt), or it might have been halfway thru that cinematic smegma smear – “The Stepford Wives”, that we officially gave her up for dead. Moving on.

Oh, look! More Oscar winners! Yippeeeee!Marcia Gay Harden & Thaddeus Scheel
Now, perhaps the Klonopin hasn’t completely worn off yet, but we are not 100% sure who this Thaddy might be . . . hmmmm, some memory is stirring, do the words “Hanger On”, “Walker”, or Hell, let’s just say it “Male Hustler of the Year” sound familiar? There, we said it!! Satisfied? And oh, by the way, Marcia – unless you were deliberately going for the pregnant Emperor Penguin look, steer clear of the “black & white”. While it is true that in the past, we’ve applauded your attempts to bring back the old “Hollywood Glamour”, it may just be a case of three strikes and you’re out. Whatever the case, this schmatta may have looked alright on Kay Graham at Truman Capote’s “Black and White Ball” at the now extinct Plaza Hotel, but let’s be honest Marcia, just ‘tween us gals. Kay was built like a horse. This is simply not flattering. Trust us.Naomi Watts in Calvin Klein
Why would such a pretty bint want to wrap herself up in so much tissue paper? This is the dress your Auntie Esther might have worn to the Auckland Wallaby Races, Naomi!! It ain’t fittin’ for a young-in like you, it just aint’ fittin’. No sir. (And by the way, where’s Heath Ledger? You still schtupping that tight little blonde?)Catalina Sandino Moreno in Michael Kors
¡Jesús, Maria y José! This puta bitch gets nominated for an Oscar in a drought like year for good women’s roles, and she starts popping up wherever she spies some paparazzi? [Note: The dress is loose enough to allow her easy access to the 89 pellets of cocaine she has crammed up her lubed ass – you can take the girl out of Columbia, but well, you know the rest.]Ashley & Mary-Kate Olsen
This pic was snapped mere seconds before the Fat Twin shoved the Skinny Twin up Catalina’s ass – barely holding on to the anorexic one’s ankles for fear of losing her entirely to the “Ass that Ate Bogota”. Tara Reid and Natasha Lyonne were mercifully not allowed into the gala, or they would have been clinging to Catty’s cheeks like Remora fish to a Great White, or in this case, a Great Brown - Ass that is.Speaking of Brown Asses – Sean Combs
Or Huggy Bear from “Starsky & Hutch”You decide.
Spoke too soon . . .“Waiter, there’s a black man in my suit”
Andre 3000
Now, Dre, babydoll, do you really want to be wearing a maitre’d’s ensemble when you’re surrounded by soooo many uptight Honkies?
Don’t believe me? Look!If you think Aerin Lauder Zinterhofer and Renee Rockefeller didn’t start screaming “Rape” and “Help, I’m being Mugged!” the second they spied you across the carpet – well, you a damn fool! By the by, apparently Zinty and Rocky (as their veddy bestest chums call them) are supposedly decked out in Michael Kors. Michael, the next time you start watching old Jane Wyman flicks for inspiration, please, for our sake – don’t alternate the Whisky Sours and Poppers. Watch them sober.Oh, great. Not content to drape yesterday’s debs, Michael Kors managed to further assault our sensibilities by convincing Jessica Simpson to dress like a Puerto Rican prostitute. We are currently still grieving for Jess’s breakup with ever-so-dreamy Nick Lachey. We simply refuse to believe the rumors that Jessy enjoys the ole “back door Rogering” with that Jackass auteur, Johnny Knoxville. Lies!! Bald faced lies!
Thank God he wasn’t invited, that would just be embarrassing!Well, slap our asses and dunk in us in cow paddies! It’s that humpy piece of man trash hisself! Oh, Johnny, we’d gladly unlock the backdoor to our garage for youse any ole time. Honestly, try us. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! And speaking of dropping our drawers in public . . .Jake Gyllenhaal in Ralph Lauren Black Label
Words fail us. Full stop. Oh no they don’t!!! Jakey, you bedroom eyed hunka man flesh, you – drinking your bathwater would merely be the appetizer to the imaginary evening we have planned with you. Suffice to say, joy would be had, marriage would be discussed, and laws would be broken in every Red State in the Union! Whew! In the immortal words of Dinah Washington – “Baby, You Got What it Takes!” [ That or, “fuck me now!” we forget who first famously uttered those words ]Liev Schrieber & Elijah Wood in matching Dior Homme monkey suits. Who knew? We’d like to imagine that Elijah is the Pitcher in this tagteam. “Batter Up!” Hayden Christensen in Dior Homme, natch.We’ll leave the “light sabre” puns for the peanut gallery. Suffice to say, Vader Jr. can place the Force WITHIN us any ole time.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Tom Ford in “Mod Hair Ken®” stance, replete with Robert Evans shades and Klaus Nomi receding hairline. Sad. So sad. We remember the days, not so long ago when A-list Actresses fought fake tooth and manicured nail over this former model cum fancy schmancy designer’s togs. And then came the “Nicole Kidman Headband Crisis of 2004”. And the rest, is clearly a case of “Just Desserts”, Tommy. Sometimes, the Devil Wears Chanel
Anna Wintour in, well Chanel, duh!
We love it! Honestly! Really! Don’t throw a stapler or intern at us, you skinny Satan, please! [ Rumor around the Condé Nast watering hole, is that she actually ate her first three children, and then of course ran to her private powder room and promptly puked them up. Hey, a gal’s gotta do what she’s gotta do, right? ]
Karolina Kurkova in Viktor und Rolf
This is a joke, right? At what point does a “supermodel” realize the joke is on her. Literally. We might be willing to crack open our volume of “Haute Couture as Metaphor”, and begin to discuss how this shower curtain / billboard is really a complex statement on the plasticity of commercialism, combined with an homage to the Armenian genocide, with just a hint of a wink to the May 1968 student revolts. But would you buy it? Oh, wait, the designers are German. Never mind. They meant it. And here they are now, the little Hitler Youth, themselves.Viktor und Rolf
“Ya, Rolf.”
“I am smiling, dumbkopf.”
“Und, now you vill please to piss on me.”
“Vhy bother?”
“Viktor, did you know ve are actually Dutch, not German?”
“Mein Gott, vhat vill I do vit’ my collection of vintage Holocaust human skin ashtrays?”
“Give von to me, I am smoking now.”
“You are smoldering, Binky, smoldering.”And that was the last we ever heard of the Zeppelin Twins, shortly thereafter André Leon Talley ate them. Allegra & Donatella Versace in Bob Mackie Barbie Collectibles
So, our Dago Italian may be rusty, but we could have sworn that “Allegra” meant “Cheerful / Lively”? That sad sack of bones is about as lively as a case of the Marburg Virus. Sheesh. And while, typically we are big fans of the “If you got ‘em, flaunt ‘em” school of décolletage. In your case, Donatella, take “Up and Out” to mean “Hack ‘em Off and Shove ‘em Up Your Poopshoot!”
Now we feel bad, will this make you feel better?Behnaz Sarafpour in her own design with Jacquetta Wheeler in Christian Dior
Sweet Baby Jesus, imagine these two bumping donuts??? Is their such a kink as Lesbian / Bulimic sex? And if so, how does that work - they trade carpentry tips and what mouthwash best helps disguise the smell of ipecac? God help us. Ahn Duong and Christian Louboutin in, well – Louboutin
Oh, we get it. The “new black” is wearing your own fucking helpless designs and forcing your Chink / Model / Actress / Ping Pong Paddle to wear your creation to the latest “event”. Hmmm. Not gonna happen, you little French faggot. And by the by, the Top Hat you’re sporting does not make you resemble Fred Astaire, more like Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, and unless you were going for “Absinthe addicted dwarf”, you just look retarded. Homo. Excuse us. Le Homo.Carine Roitfeld & Mario Testino
Carine is editor-in-chief at French Vogue, and in her spare time enjoys antiquing at the Paris Flea Market, beating her Algerian maid, and binge eating madeleines. She bought this at Housing Works off a tranny who was touring in the all male revival of “A Little Night Music”. Carolina & Patricia Herrera
While at least, they resemble human beings as opposed to the Versace whores, this old Nazi and spawn simply don’t do it for us. The “Eva Peron” look died with Madonna’s film version – and we wish she had taken you with it. Why don’t you go sell some more of your stolen Nazi art, Fraulein Herrera?

Boy, the old WW tramps just keep crawling out of the woodwork, don’t they?Franca Sozzani in Alberta Ferretti
She may call herself the Editor-in-Chief for Vogue Italia, but we knew her back in the day as “Good Time Franca”. Always ready to give a quick handjob to a G.I. in need, as long as the “payoff” didn’t stain her Jacques Fath skirt, and she got at least half a moldy Hershey Bar out of it. Her Former Highness and Diane von Furstenberg
Bada-bing! Well, well, the now current Mrs. Barry Diller, and wife (okay enough) has opted for the – YOU GUESSED IT! – “I’m wearing my own design look.” Yes indeed, that is a herd of giraffe depicted as GAILY romping across the velt of her skirt. True Story: The idea for this frock came to Diane when she and Barry were honeymooning at the Alfajiri Villa Resort in Mombasa, and she suddenly found herself all alone on the veranda. Barry said he wanted to discuss something with the 17 year old bellboy. What that might have been, she simply couldn’t imagine. We can. We now place this picture of Richard Gere and WIFE Carey Lowell here for no particular reason. Connect the dots yourselves, please.Hamish Bowles & Daphne Guinness
Now casting for a touring company of “Great Expecations”, Hammy & Daffy are shoo-ins for Miss Haversham and Pip. Can you imagine the powder room conversations between these two slags?
“You look thin.”
“No, you look thinner.”
“Pass me the blow.”Marcia (Straight as they Come) Cross in Louis Vuitton
That explains it. This was the lining to her vintage knock off Louis Vuitton gym bag she bought at Aardvark’s Odd Ark on Melrose in 1989.Natalia Vodianova in Calvin Klein
We’ve been reading about this [cough, cough] “supermodel”s rags to riches story. And quite frankly, we get the rags part. It’s the riches we have yet to see. Besides what Russian doesn’t have a “rags to riches” story. In any event, the gunny sack, while it may be a charming shade of blue, is simply “R-E-T-A-R-D-E-D!” Trimspa®, Baby!
Karl “Formerly aka Sweaty” Lagerfeld
We swear, you were easier on the eyes when you were FAT, and you kept fanning yourself.Tinsley Mortimer in Joe Cheng
This is the number one reason that late term abortions should remain legal. What the fuck kind of name is “Tinsley”? Her sisters, Raffles, Binty and Cunty constantly make fun of her. As well they should. One day, they’ll all wake up and realize the joke is on them. But don’t hold your collective breath. Tory Burch in Vintage Chanel
This socialite / slag has gone on record as “choosing unobjectionable, usually unassuming, garments from a handful of socially sanctioned design houses”. Skkrreeeeeetchhhhh!!!!! Batting a big fat zero there, ain’t ya Tory? “Socially sanctioned design houses”? Poppycock. Or rather – OXYMORON!! Honestly.Shalom Harlow
You come out of hiding with this? Unless the darts in the dress all exploded at once, there is simply no excuse. Grecian-like drapery does not mean – cover the tumors with cloth. What cha hiding in there Shalom?Oh, Golly – Natasha Richardson in Vera Wang, is clearly taking her current Blanche Dubois role too much to heart. I bet she’s a bundle of joy to be with now, hey Liam Neeson? Constantly begging for warm baths, lemon sodas with chipped ice, and reminscing about the days down by the levee when she used to get gang banged by former beaus. Just slap her around a bit, give her the old D.P., and call it a night.Elisha Cuthbert in Monique L’huillier
You know what, little girl? We’re gonna find you wandering into these affairs once too often, and we won’t be in such a good mood, and we’re gonna be forced to beat the holy shit out of your talentless little wobble headed body, and we won’t waste a second looking back. Got it? Good.
P.S. – You look like a bucket of shit.Elle McPherson in Calvin Klein
Who the fuck cares, anymore? Tall and tender over here should hang it up. Once you’ve resorted to playing second fiddle to Matt Le Blanc on Friends, the gong has officially sounded. And that was years ago. Supermodel, our collective asses.Emmy Rossum in Ralph Lauren
Well, it’s been a couple of months since that blockbuster – The Phantom of the Opera simply swept it’s way across this great land. And nobody still gives a bloody stool sample about you, Emmy. We’re giving you points for shaving your pits, and wiping your ass, and that’s about it. By the way, it’s okay to eat now!. Food? Remember? Fork, Spoon, Knife thru the esophagus, seventy two times? That should do it. Thanks. Bye. Selma Blair in Chanel Couture
Suddenly there she was, as if from a dream, a weird Proustian “couche mal” if you will. Claire Danes in Calvin Klein
These names meant something to us, at one point in our lives. Carmen Electra
This has never meant anything to us.

Except possibly this:
Ingrid Sischy & Miuccia Prada
As Ragnarok approaches, we are positive that Mr. Sischy will be waddling over to his desk to write a nifty celeb-name-dropping intro for it, while Miu-Miu, fresh from her performance as Lady Bracknell in the Milanese / Southhampton Players production of “The Importance of Being Earnest” will host a fabu reception for it in Soho. Oooo, Ingrid is a woman!!! We did not know that.
Ivana Trump with escort (and we do MEAN escort) Rossano Rubicondi
Signor Rubicondi is a beeg, beeeeg star in Italy. He played the third man from the left in the latest Roberto Benigni comedy, aptly titled “Il Uomo che Escorta la Old Dried Up Snatch Ex-Signoras of Crazy Ersatz Billionaires”. It was a riot! Did ya see it?
And this is what dropped out from between Ivana’s thighs a few years back, daughter Ivanka Trump. Ivanka has never recovered from daddy Donald’s tormenting ways. He used to call her “Hey, Fat Heifer Neck!”, hence her penchant for drapery that helps conceal her 38 inch neckline.
Linda Evangelista in Bottega Veneta
Zowie! Careful, Linda, it’s just a skip, hop and a jump from “catlike” eyes to Joan Rivers eyes. Think twice before you slice!
Jennifer Connelly in Balenciaga
“If they could see me now, that little gang of mine . . . “ Somewhere, Christina Applegate is padlocking the door to the theatre where her revival of “Sweet Charity” is housed, absolutely convinced that Jenny here is going to plan a Tonya Harding and whack her kneecaps. She could use the career jolt, if you ask us. Both of them.
Speaking of revivals. That, ladies and gents to the left of the matching Pekinese, is none other than 80’s heartthrob, and Duran Duran alum, John Taylor.

And that noise you hear, is the sound of millions of Gen X’ers fainting.

We’re not positive, but we think the gals in the middle might be Marlo Thomas and Connie Stevens? No?
Karen Elson in YSL
Someone we trust, has informed us that Karen Elson here, is actually a “British Supermodel”. After our laughter subsided, and we attempted to convince our informant that there was simply no such thing as a “British Supermodel”. We were reminded of Twiggy and Jean Shrimpton. And then we reminded them, that at one point, the United States was a full functioning democracy. Conversation ceased.

Vanessa Paradis in Chanel
Nessa, if we have to look at your puckered and smelly French puss, could you at least have brought a photo of Johnny Depp with you? Your better half makes it worthwhile to put up with your Gallic non-charms, but flying solo? No go. You ho.Zac Posen in Alexander McQueen frock with Raquel Zimmermann
And a “Wilkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome” to you too Zac.

And finally, let’s bring the curtain down on this bizarre amalgam of Hollywood, Paris, New York, & Barnum & Bailey.

Lil’ Kim and Marc Jacobs
He is supposed to be some kind of designer – we’re still attempting to verify – but HER! We know her!! That bitch done sold us some bad blow two weeks ago, at the Columbus Circle Starbucks®. Fuckin’ Ho! We’ll cut that bitch up, next time we see her. We swear.
We out. Peace.