Monday, October 03, 2005

Hollywood "Style" Awards

Movieline Hollywood Life's Hollywood Style Awards - October 2, 2005 - West Hollywood, California

Ah, Tinsletown! Where everyday brings another opportunity to skewer some wannabe starlet who is completely devoid of any fashion sense and severely lacking in the appropriate funds to afford a good stylist. (Might we suggest a barter system? We hear that some unemployed queens will do anything for the right blow connection.)

Lucky for you, dear viewers, LaLa Land held one of their umpteenth marketing ploys to tie into some lame publication, and slapped a label on it. Welcome to the buswreck that is the “Hollywood Style Awards”. Let’s take a peek, shall we?
Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra
The Lucy and Desi of their time! If Lucy was a prostitute and Desi a Methadone addict. Believe it or not, this is actually the “A-list” portion of our review. Now, please pick yourselves off of the floor and pay attention! Dave – we don’t have much to say to you, because really, when you’re dealing with an empty canvas it can be less than inspiring. It actually appears that you might have showered, or at least taken a whore’s bath in the toilet at The Viper Room prior to slapping on the chaps and moth ridden blazer you picked up at the D.A.V.
We love how the starlets, and we use this term loosely, all opted to go for the Administrative Assistant at Golf Digest look for this event. Carmen, ever the one to spice things up, decided that the perfect image buster for the simple skirt avec blouse look would be a black bra, that accentuates her only true talents and just screams – “I’m still a slut! Never fear!”
Gina Gershon and ????
, we used to love for about six seconds ten years ago. Although we insist on pointing out to the ladies, that wrapping a bolt of fabric around your waistline is never a good idea. And for God’s sake, don’t they offer free hemming anymore at Banana Republic®? There was no available listing on the squid faced lesbo stomping her shit kickers on Gina’s trouser trail. But we think we get the picture. Hey, you star in “Showgirls” and “Bound” and really, it’s just a hop, skip and a clit lick away from Dyketown. Congrats. We hope you two twats are very happy together. At home. Not in public.

Taryn Manning
Who clearly is milking her two seconds of fame, but applying fake bruises from the near catastrophic landing onto the apples of her cheeks. While we admire Miss Manning’s resourcefulness, (We hear she actually volunteered to replace the landing gear with her bulbous head.) we cannot condone her style choices. It is a useful fashion dictum – Pay attention, ladies! – that donning a simple black skirt and pairing it with a dismally banal white top will only accentuate your ugly face.
Bonnie Somerville
Well, if we had actually watched “Grosse Point”, your name might mean something to us. But we don’t. And it doesn’t. Pity the poor queen that had to spend hours mummifying this twaddle. Oh! She was the “Screaming Woman” in Spider-Man 2! That we saw. Still, we got nothing. Best of luck on your meteoric rise to the top!
Dayna Devon
She’s a telehostess. Read: Doorstop. There’s no need to look further. Trust us. (We do want to point out that with Dayna's linebacker torso, you might wanna step clear of the goody bag table . . . she means business!)
Caleigh Peters
Yet another in the recent craze we like to call: “I’m the child of a one time former celebrity, put me on the guest list!” This sad sack is running a distant final place in the Paris Hilton, Kimberly Stewart, Nicole RichieBattle of the Network Trollops” marathon. But what else should we expect from the daughter of the man who produced “Tango & Cash” and “Bonfire of the Vanities”? And we’re here to tell you all that this bint is gonna need a helluva lot more “cash” in order to impress us. Plus, we’ve always hated wraparound-shoulder-armpit-baring-drapery. Just saying. Your toenails are nice, tho. For a whore.
Jaime King
Two interesting biographical tidbits about Ms. King. She was named after the lead character in the 70s cult classic – “The Bionic Woman”. And she is a recovering heroin addict. Combine the two, and you halfway explain her choice of frock. She could be covering up some loose bolts and wires down below, or those pesky track marks on her inner thighs still won’t go away! She’s tried scrubbing, she’s tried soaking . . . but still, nada. Much like her career. And yes, we saw “Sin City”. Still, got nothing good to say about her. So we’re moving on.
Kristin Chenowith
Well, it’s kinda colorful, ain’t it? But just so we’re clear, Kristin, a little color mismanaged as poorly as this, will never detract from the basic flaws. Your face and body being the first two flaws we could think of. We’re sorry that your head is the same size as the rest of you, and honestly we should be blaming your parents for the billboard sized forehead you’re sporting, but we have a few words for you, don’t you fear. Namely, what on Earth possessed you to choose a pattern that actually points up all of your shortcomings? Sagging listless breasts? Check! Wobbly, “is she or isn’t she preggers” waistline? Check! Child bearing hips visible from global satellites? Check!

Waiter, check please. We’re done here.
Scott Elrod
That was fast. Now, who the fuck is this cater / waiter, and why does he merit a credit on The Bloody Red Carpet? We don’t care if you assumed correctly that we prefer to drink our champagne twelve glasses at a time. That is no excuse. We think despite your chiseled bone structure and toothy grin, you are definitely creepy. Or you’ve been hanging out with Jaime King’s ex-friends. We’re just saying. In either case, please stop wasting our time. We’re gonna take it easy on you, and let you know now that the only future in Hollywood that seems likely for you is the following. Although rumor has it, that it ain’t exactly a career known for its longevity. Best of luck!
Rachel Zoe
God, how we love search engines. In order to aid us in dragging Miss Zoe to the funeral pyre of fashion she is so clearly headed for . . . we Googled this bitch and were completely dumbfounded to discover that she was a . . . get ready for it . . . a STYLIST! Everybody, heads between your knees and long deep breaths. Zowie, Zoe!!! What a way to barf on the hand that feeds you! Although, it helps to explain some of the outfits chosen tonight, what’s your excuse bitch? Here is a random quote of Miss Zoe’s we came across, that should be tattooed on Rachel’s torso: "I don't believe in changing my style because something's a trend ... People are mislead: They think because it's a trend, they should do it. And it's not going to work." Well, bitch, it’s time to start eating your own words. We’re not sure who to blame for the whole Grecian Urn revival, seen draped on everybody from Teri “I Want an Emmy, Damn it!” Hatcher to Portia “Fishmonger” de Rossi. We want to state unequivocally that the whole homage to the Helen of Troy look is not only done, it’s been done wrong from the get go. If you actually bother to read up on Helen, you will find that her face and look helped to “launch a thousand ships”, in her direction . . . NOT AWAY FROM HER!!! Honey, you could level more cities than a Category 5 Hurricane evacuation, in this tired schmatta. And what self respecting “stylist” would dare to be seen with dark roots and Susan Anton’s old hairstyle from her “Love Boat” days?

Rosanna Arquette
Lovely. What does a girl do when she overslept till 6pm in her budget room at the “Days Inn”, the Burbank location? Well, shit, just grab your complimentary bathrobe, that pair of “Dyeables Sunny” you bought online and later decoupaged yourself, and the overnight bag you stole in the Greyhound® bus terminal downtown. Rosey. Why bother waking up?Nicole Richie
Why don’t you just shove that Ostrich Feather Duster up your bony ass and disappear from sight? We are unbelievably sick of you. Twiggy was able to make this look work, but that was about a hundred years ago! And in a Ken Russell film. Not a man known for restraint, our Ken. But, we still love him. You, not so much.

Sigh. Have we mentioned how we cannot wait for the big parties at the end of this year!!!! We’re so sick of the Z-listers. We hope every big star is resting comfortably and dieting in order to slip into something absolutely stunning at the real awards shows. Bitches better be. ‘Cause we’ll be waiting. No need to thank us, it’s our job. Bless you all!