Monday, September 19, 2005

The 57th Annual Emmy Awards

With all that has been going on in the world lately, we have been feeling anxious and torn, and have lately been struggling with the question – what can we do to help the disenfranchised? We decided we could do the most good by watching the 57th Annual Emmy Awards last night, because frankly, why should you have to suffer?

And also, it’s the Emmys. Why on earth would you watch? Yes, yes, “Desperate Housewives” and “Lost” captured our collective television imaginations last season, but frankly – it’s the goddamn Emmys. It’s the 89th straight year they’ve nominated “The West Wing” and “Everybody Loves Raymond”. And last night, they gave the Emmy for Best Actress in a Drama to this woman.

Who is that? You ask. Well, we’ll tell you. That’s Patricia Arquette, who won for something called “Medium”. We think it should be renamed “Extra Large” from the looks of things. Perhaps a promotional tie-in with Lane Bryant? No? Good lord woman, suck it in! Or, if you can’t, find a stronger control top. This is repulsive. And look at what you’ve done to former hotty, Thomas Jane!!!! He used to be so lickable and sweaty.

We hope they’re happy. We certainly aren’t. And that’s a lovely nut roll on your head, Patty. Saving it for a post show snack, or do you just plan on eating your Emmy.

As if that sucker punch to the cunt wasn’t bad enough, they passed out more Emmys to . . . sit down for this one, it may stun you senseless. “Everybody Loves Raymond” won Best Comedy Series, and they gave these two the Supporting Actor and Actress statuettes.


Stunned, aren’t you? Now, we have nothing against old people, we actually like some of the drooling old husks. Thankfully, so did the Emmy folks. Jane Alexander and Blythe Danner have long been two of our faves, and darn it all, if those two ancient bitches didn’t nab wins! Kudos! The Metamucil® is on us gals, so belly up to the bar at the Governor’s Ball.

Blythe Danner – Terrif!!! Winning her Supporting Actress in a Drama Emmy for “Huff”. We love you. Less your spawn. Blythe managed to combine elation, sentiment, humor and politics into the best speech of the night. Her dress? Blythe, you had so many things going for you tonight, and we understand fully that post-menopausal actresses are not exactly at the forefront of most designers minds, but you’re making the baby Jesus cry in this tired ball gown.

Jane Alexander – Jinkies, Jane! White on white on a white woman with white hair. After Labor Day. Tsk, tsk.

Star Jones Reynolds – Who simply refuses to take no for an answer. No, we don’t watch “The View”. No, we don’t care if you’re married (cough, cough). No, we really couldn’t give a shit that you’ve lost 900 pounds. You’re still fat. And clearly, you still don’t know how to dress. Let’s face it, when you’ve dropped the equivalent mass of a small island, you’re gonna have some vestigial flabbiness. And choosing a velveteen purple curtain that roushes across that aforementioned jelly belly, is simply calling attention to your greatest flaw. Well, it’s a close call between the gut and the gut-wrenching face. But since we’re forced to look at your face as you’re manhandling celebs on the red carpet, we really don’t have a choice in the matter, do we?

Camryn Manheim – Still fat. And still dresses better than Star Jones. Go figure. God knows, her’s went. Bada-bing!

Our fave look! Honestly! Alyson Hannigan – This former Wiccan Dyke from “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer” days, really pulled it out last night. She’s due to be seen in some upcoming sitcom that is sure to flop, but we’ll cross our pinkies and blow her a kiss for luck anyway. We found this ensemble the perfect compliment to Miss Hannigan’s quietly quirky charms, replete with frothy moptop. Okay, we admit our fondness for BTVS is forcing us to type this, but deal with it.
Hugh Jackman won an Emmy last night for hosting the Tony Awards. Only in Hollywood, folks. This really defines “felching”, don’t it?

Teri Hatcher – Clearly the Emmy folks messed up when they gave Felicity Huffman the Emmy for Best Actress in a Comedy. ‘Cause when she won, Teri Hatchetface here pulled out all the stops in a brave and almost complete attempt at looking pleased. We’re not sure how many Ativan and Mai Tais Teri had to down to pull off that moment of pseudo-respectability, but we’re pretty sure Mrs. Macy better not leave her dressing room door unlocked back on the set. Oh, they’re going to have words. Don’t you worry. We have a few words for Teri, too. Combining a faux empire waist, with a clingy train, and cunt-ventilation is simply juggling too many balls. Drop one, bitch.

Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy – True love. Ain’t it sweet? It can blind you to the fact your wife dresses like trailer trash who just received her first gift certificate to Strawberry’s® and waited for the end of season clearance rack. You think her panties have a matching band with the same beading seen here on the waistline and shoulder straps? Gosh, we hope so. It’d be ever so kewl!!!!

Hey, Felicity! Maybe you and Bill know some poor fella who’s looking for love, and willing to ignore bad plastic surgery scars, rubbery lips and Mack Truck like mileage on a spent up cooze? Oh, yeah, and here’s a picture of Nicolette Sheridan, who back when she was a mere child during the Great Depression - dreamed of being a big star who would dress a la Jean Harlow. She’s still dreaming.

Eva Longoria – Well, don’t look at us. We never said Mexican-Americans had taste.

Marcia Cross – Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Perhaps you thought flounce would help soften your hard, icy, embittered, rigid exterior. Perhaps. We’ve loved some ballgowns in our time, but they really should . . . how should we put this . . . have some visual appeal? Just a smidge. And what the hell is with all the roushing last night? Did every bitch get her final fitting ten minutes prior to the show, trailing some helpless faggot clenching pins and gaffers tape in his mouth? Clean lines, clean lines girls! Like the kind Kate Moss enjoys.

Shit, somebody heard us. Glenn Close in Armani – You know what? Not bad. Boring, certainly. But how many options does this hag have? Five Oscar nominations, and she’s starring on “The Shield”. On the FX channel. Let’s throw her a bone. She’ll eat it. She’s not proud.
Debra Messing – Wave bye-bye, you cow. We certainly have. We’re pretty sure we stopped watching “Will & Grace” last century. We’re absolutely sure your stylist is playing some cruel joke on you. Why bother with the subtle pattern of – what is that? Foliage? It matters not, not when your eyes are too distracted by the Miss Universe style spangly bodice that simply screams Atlantic City Ho. And we are assuming the gathers on your hip were intentional, or did you accidentally tuck it into your Spanx® after your wiped your twat dry. Sad, sad, sad.

Jennifer Garner, infected with the seed of Ben Affleck, who was not at her side, by the by. We’re not starting any rumors, mind you. Just laying things out on the line. Which is where we’d like to see Jenny hanging from. And as long as Roe v. Wade is still legal, it’s never too late!!! Get ‘em while they’re legit!

Kim Raver – No, we have no idea. Some washed out bint. Dunno. Purty hair.

The Trumps. Alright, let’s just go there. Apparently the Donald was born in 1946. Which would have made him about 16 years old when “Dr. No” came out in movie theatres. And now, a scant forty three years later, he finally managed to land Ursula Andress. All those years of slapping the salami to La Undress’s photo landed a real money shot. Or at least the Yugoslavian knock-off. Now, Melania is attractive in her own “roll me in cabbage, and leek me, you fool” kinda way – but why oh why oh why-o did so many gals opt for the beauty pageant dullness last night? Oh yeah, the Donald, Atlantic City, we get it now. Whatever. We still say that chiffon was never meant to be dangled so haphazardly from a Balkan bustline. That’s all.

And for those of you who didn’t tune in last night - okay all of you, the Emmy brain trust decided they would hold a mock “American Idol” contest, with celebs being forced to sing “classic TV theme songs”. That’s the Donald himself, with Megan Mullally chirping the theme from “Green Acres”. Believe it or not, this was a highlight of the show. NOW, you’re really glad we watched it for you, aren’t you?

Lest you think the Emmys don’t care about black people, they managed to convince Macy Gray and Gary Dourdan of the “CSI” mothership to turn out and warble the theme to “The Jeffersons”. My gosh. How far we’ve come since Rosa Parks, eh? But enough about politics, let’s take another gander at Gary Dourdan, shall we. Despite learning the hard way that it is simply not true what they say about black men, we’d love another chance to find out with Mr. Dourdan. Anytime. Trust us.
Kristen Bell – That’s where we put our Moroccan Goth lampshade. We were wondering.

Sandra Oh. Well, she’s finally abandoned the whole Asian tranny look, and opted to go for Rockette / Bridesmaid?

Jennifer Love Hewitt – You win. No, not an Emmy. You win our worst dressed award. We proudly pound you over the head with it. As if it weren’t bad enough you attempted to portray Audrey Hepburn in some god awful TV movie a few years back, clearly you simply refuse to let that look go!! Not, the Audrey Hepburn look, mind you, no the TV movie version of said look. Piling your hair into a giant piece of dung on top of your head is merely the crowning glory.

It’s the short, fat spic from “Six Feet Under”. Nothing to see here folks, nothing to see. Move along.

Lauren Graham – She is so very wonderful on the “Gilmore Girls”. We almost hesitate. Nah. Keep swinging that necklace over your right tit, bitch. It’s the only thing worth looking at in this dry as dust frock. Finally there’s living proof that a vibrant shade of red can still be stunningly dull.
Oh my God!! Shut up!! What are you doing HERE?????? Charlize Theron, folks. Oh, yeah, the Emmy folks did nominate some slumming A-list movie talent, and at least two of them showed up. Char, and Halle Berry. Both lost. Char to the aforementioned Jane Alexander. Halle to S. Epatha Merkerson. No, that wasn’t a typo. But, we love S. Epatha. The “S” stands for “Stop Calling Me That Black Bitch on Law & Order – I Have a Name”. No wonder she shortened it.

Halle Berry looked genuinely pleased for ole Epathala’s win. We presume she believes she can be generous at this point in her career. We however, are not so generous. If generosity means forcing “Catwoman” and “Gothika” upon an unsuspecting populace – then bitch, you need a reference point. Like the one drawing attention to your tits. We know, we know – you were trying to keep it simple. Real. Down low. Whatever the latest hippity hoppity slang term might be. We have one. Bedsheet. And the Cleopatra Jones hoops ain’t helping.

Anyway, back to Charlize Theron, who unfortunately found that bronzer she’s so fond of, in the back of her nightstand – probably behind some naughty things.
And yes, we know she was nominated for portraying Britt Ekland, but that doesn’t excuse the bejeweled mini-dress. And why would she need some naughty toys in her nightstand, when she’s getting hammered by Stuart Townsend??? Whew! Dripping we are. Like Niagara Falls. Get the barrel and throw us over!

Mmmmmmmm, while we’re on the topic of H-O-T-T-I-E-S. James Denton from “Desperate Housewives”. He plays the sexy plumber. (Such a tired porn cliché by the way - seen it, done it) But we can definitely think of a couple of new ways to use a plunger every time we see him. Well, not new if you’re a Haitian immigrant in a New York police station, but new to us.

Bobby Canavale – Emmy winner for Guest Actor in a Comedy Series for playing Will’s “cut-before-they-actually-make-physical-contact”, boyfriend in “Will & Grace”. It’s a combo of that baritone, strapping bod, and “hey, how you doin’” stare that just wets our drawers each time.

Mathew Fox – ARRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Our throats just closed up at the mere mention of his name. “Lost”? Baby, you are found. Found strapped to our beds and glistening. Shooof!!! We need to go change our drawers. We’ll be right back, we’ll leave you with this.

Jesse Metcalfe – Well, we can’t defend him any longer. Yes his body is as tight as a well oiled snare drum. But we have to bend over and take it like the bitches we are and accept the public consensus about his eyebrows. Enough, Jesse. Put the tweezers down before you’re a spitting image of Marlene Dietrich.

Jonathan Rhys-Myers and some skank. Johnny was up for the Emmy last night for portraying Elvis. Yawn. Anyway, we want to like him, he seems pretty enough, but then we take another look and decide that he’s just to plastique for our tastes. And speaking of plastic. We would be remiss in our duties if we didn’t show you the Rivers gals.

Joan and Melissa Rivers - Isn’t it strange, that after all these years, and all the plastic surgery jokes, we’ve kind of grown attached to these fleshbags. It must be the fact that Star Jones took their spot, that’s it! We’ll go with that excuse. It can’t be a case of an actual fondness for they’re shrill and wandering commentaries. And yes, we suppose we could have gotten off our lazy duffs and switched to the TV Guide channel – but we couldn’t be bothered to look up the actual info. Who watches the TV Guide channel?

The Not-So-Hot attendee. Adrian Grenier, from every straight man’s fave show, “Entourage”. Since when did a cleft palette and uni-brow become sexy?

Kyra Sedgwick – We had to turn up the contrast, brightness, and change the color saturation on our monitors about eighteen times last night, in a losing bid to convince ourselves that Kyra had not completely melted into her dress. Why on earth do some women pick dresses the same color as their thighs? We don’t get it. A stroke of color never hurt anybody, Kyra.

Spoke too soon.

Mary McCormack – Apparently this twaddle appears on “The West Wing”. That certainly doesn’t excuse this outfit. A “Bye, Bye Birdie” audition might.


Clay Aiken. That’s it. That’s the joke. Moving on.

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, but without a Horse Face. Alex Kingston. You know what? The long curly rat trap you used to sport, actually did help your look.


Heidi Klum. Well, if you’re trailing a placenta and umbilical cord from birthing Seal’s spawn a scant ten seconds ago, we’ll forgive the Boca Raton schmatta look. Let’s hope the little mulatto tyke gets her skin, and not his. Sheesh! Pock marks you could plant an Elm tree in, we tell ya.

Ian McShane and Gwen Humble. Mr. McShane had us at the first “cocksucker”, in the pilot episode of “Deadwood”. Every time he hurls abuse at some grimy cowpoke, we just lather up. Whew! Talk dirty to us, Daddy! Do it!! DO IT!!!!!!! And hell’s bells, we suddenly remembered that about 679 years ago, Miss Humble starred in the mini-series “Moviola”, portraying Hollywood Golden Era star, Paulette Goddard!! We’ll forgive you then, Gwen for stealing our man.

Now, Ian’s co-star, Molly Parker has some explaining to do. We’ve always thought of her as lovely on the actual show, and then this happens. Trick hip or no trick hip – this is just wrong. So many cootchie vents last night? Is there an epidemic of Chlamydia running thru L.A.? And even, if you’re not A-list enough to hire an actual hairstylist – you can always wash it yourself, can’t you? We don’t understand.

Sheeeeeeeeeee’s baaaack!!! Geena Davis, folks. Oscar winning Geena Davis. Appearing as the boob tube’s fictional U.S. President. Couldn’t do worse than the real one, we say, so go for it, Geena. Just keep this simple phrase in mind, though. “It’s just food, it’s not love”. “It’s just food, it’s not love”. “It’s just food, it’s not love”.

Shohreh Aghdashloo, who managed to parlay her Oscar nominated role in “House of Sand and Fog” into . . . a guest role on “24”. Well, let’s be honest. There really isn’t a huge calling for fifty plus Iranian housewives. Ooooooh! Unless there’s a spin-off of “Desperate Housewives”!!!! Ooooooooo. Well, no. I mean who else could they possibly find?

Shelley Morrison – Well, what with “Will & Grace” winding down (thank God), perhaps they can spare their saucy El Salvadorean maid? Wait, wait, we’re still thinking. Iranian hausfrau, Wetback domestic, hmmmmmm . . . there’s a spicy political angle here, we just know it. If we could only think of some other hag who’s available . . . .

Did somebody ask for a dried up former chippy? Stockard Channing is simply wasting her talent on “The West Wing”. And clearly she has given up so completely, she can’t be bothered to even run a comb thru her hair. Let’s give it a shot. Think of it, as a cross between “Die Hard” and “The Golden Girls”. Here’s one more log to throw into the pyre .

Jessica Walter, airing out her withered flower. Try not to look directly at it.

Terry O’Quinn – Always reliably creepy and intense as an actor, we have fond memories of “The Stepfather”, and were thrilled he was nominated last night for his wonderfully modulated performance in “Lost” . . . and what the FUCK IS THAT THING ON HIS ARM???? They could stop by the nearest Benjamin Moore® retailer, pick up some Cerulean Mist, and give the Blue Man Group a run for their money. Hey, if your date’s tits are as large as your big bald head, why not expand your career choices? And speaking of the Blue Man Group, they were there last night. Those Emmys. So edgy. So now. So au courant, if you will.
Here’s to you, Mrs. Hershey! Barbara! The former Miss Seagull, has been schtupping everybody’s favorite camel jockey – who knew? (We don’t get out much, but we do love Naveen Andrews Emmy nominated work on “Lost”.)

Maggie Grace – Everybody! “On the good ship, lollipop . . . “ Maggie. Magster. Maggot. You may be on the Emmy winning “Lost”, but copping Madge’s look from her “Vogue” days ain’t winning you any friends.

And speaking of being in vogue . . .

Cloris Leachman and Annabella Sciorra. Shame, Cloris, shame. Leave her alone! Hollywood doesn’t care about this kind of behavior, it ain’t gonna earn you any press coverage. Hell, a clamdigger is hosting tonight’s festivities!

And the red carpet is awash with other Sapphic Sisters. Cynthia Nixon. Sans tool-belt wearing gal pal. What is eating pussy doing to her posture? Is it related? We don’t understand. Unless she’s trying to do it when standing up? Good Lord, Cyndi. Get your pale, washed out, hunched over self to a chiropractor, toot sweet!

And so, in closing – we too would like to applaud that ole fishmonger, Ellen DeGeneres, who yet once again helped usher our bruised nation thru a disaster zone Emmy broadcast. There isn’t much to add about her fashion choices, ‘cause well, she’s a dyke. And clearly the trouser loving kind. And yes, we get her half-assed Georgia O'Keeffe tribute with the lily. Drop it. Her Catch-of-the-Day, Portia de Rossi, on the other hand, we’d like to have a few words with. We suppose having such a classically inspired name would lead one to believe she can pull off a brazen Helen of Troy homage. Well, pull up the gangplank, bitch – we’re here to tell you it doesn’t. It’s a short donkey ride from Greek to Dreck, sweetheart. And congrats, you’re there.

The best news to be had, in regards to next year’s Emmython, is that “Everybody Loves Raymond” has closed up shop!!! Yippee!!! But we still have the last year of “Will & Grace” to slough thru. Oh, well. See you next year, when “W&G” sweeps the awards. Not to fear, we’ll suffer thru it all, on your behalf. That’s what we’re here for. No, no. Don’t thank us. Just worship us like you normally do. Kisses. Bless you all!