Sunday, September 25, 2005

Flightplan - Movie Review

Flightplan (2005)

Oh, Jodie Foster. Come back to the 5 & Dime, Jodie Foster, Jodie Foster! Stop making these overwrought “thrillers” featuring you protecting your daughters from those bad, bad men. “Panic Room”, anyone? We love La Foster, and we simply adored her recent turn as the French speaking Polish widow in “A Very Long Engagement”. We shit you not. Go rent it! But, you’re really plucking our last frayed nerves with this one, Jodester.

The good things about this movie are the following. Jodie’s acting. Peter Sarsgaard’s fluttering droopy bedroom eyes. Sean Bean - who just reeks of masculinity. (Sean, you can propel our mammoth jets any day!) The return of Greta Scacchi!!!! Greta!! It feels like it’s been years! You were fab in this! (too bad about the wig, tho) And the blessed fact that it was an hour and a half long. Oh yeah, Erika Christensen is in it, too. (Our mothers did teach us to say ONE nice thing about someone, so here goes . . . wait a sec, while we think, wait one more while we inhale a quick drag) Oh!!! Got one. Erika was born to play the dumb third stewardess from the left. There. You happy? And John Benjamin Hickey plays a corpse. He was okay.
By now, you must have seen the preview a million times, so you know the set-up. Jodie and five year old daughter, whatsername, board a big, big, we mean BIG plane on a transatlantic flight from Berlin to New York. And Jodie’s daughter goes missing. Bum, bum, BUM!!!!!!!!!! Cue the cliché James Horner music. What ever has become of Miss Foster’s daughter? Could she have been kidnapped? But where would they take her? Has she been murdered and eaten by the anorexic stewardesses? (not so fast, Erika, take one oversized step back) Is everybody on board, really who they seem to be? What about those now ubiquitous slimy Arabs? Was she ever really there? Were we? We think we were. We have the crick in our backs to prove it. And didn’t we watch this same basic plot in 1938, with Alfred Hitchcock’s brilliant “The Lady Vanishes”? (Go rent that one, NOW!)

Now, within its own little botched up world of cold blue lighting and awfully pretty snowfalls, “Flightplan” does blissfully play out the mother’s mounting hysteria, and inevitable search on a fairly intelligent level. One might argue, too intelligent for some audience members. (cough, cough – we’re looking at you, loud bitches to our right) And we will be eternally grateful for the years of experience La Foster has, ‘cause she manages to tread the fine line between hysteria and hysterical acting. And surrounded as she is by those big, strapping, hunky men . . . we meant, by those talented actors Peter and Sean, and the ever wonderful Greta – she is allowed to bounce all her years of thespic skills against some talented supporting players. BUT! And this is a big but. (No, Erika, we said b-u-t – calm down.) The script manages to fly the jumbo jet thru a plot-hole the size of . . . okay, Erika, now step forward. Now, it would be simply unfair of us to mention the plot-hole, without giving the spoiler warning. You’re warned. Go away now, if you plan on actually paying money for this flick.


What the fuck are you doing down here? Didn’t we warn you? Fine. Here goes. And we promise to be vague enough to those idiot enough to read this. If the “planners” of this “Flightplan” were willing to go the extreme lengths they seemed to be – why on earth would they choose as their mule, if you were, the one person in Europe with a detailed knowledge of airplanes, thus being able to foil their plans? Clearly they were the last in their Terrorism 101 class. (Thanks to Cherie, for that phrase)

So, in closing, if you must go see “Flightplan” make sure somebody as sexy as Sean Bean is paying for it. And for dinner. And we don’t mean at Chipotle®. And here’s hoping he gives you the ole “Slap and Tickle” after watching this buswreck. That should make up for it. Bless you all!

Jodie Foster as Kyle
Peter Sarsgaard as Carson
Sean Bean as Captain Rich
Greta Scacchi as the Therapist
Erika Christensen as Fiona
John Benjamin Hickey as David

Directed by Robert Schwentke
Written by Peter A. Dowling and Billy Ray
Film Editing by Thom Noble
Cinematography by Florian Ballhaus
Costume Design by Susan Lyall
Original Music by James Horner