Thursday, September 29, 2005

From Across the Pond!

Pssssst. We have a secret! Feeling the whole post Emmy slump, we were forced to cast our peepers across the pond and lo and behold, to what do our wandering eyes appear? Well, you’ll have to read and see. We are not going to reveal the name of the party these. . . ahem . . . “celebs” are attending until the very end. Consider this our own version of all those idiot Hollywood thrillers with erstwhile “twist endings”. Onto the “celebs.”

Oy! If there was any doubt as to why they lost the Empire. Here is visual proof.Taking a break from deep throating her waxed and peeled Welsh rugby boyfriend – Gavin Henson, is none other than that warbling soprano former tot, Charlotte Church, now fully blossomed into a young adult, and lewd public knob sucker fat skank. Huzzah for her! Clearly, the overly polished Mr. Henson (and object of desire to sports loving Mos the world over), likes a little something to hold onto when he’s not pummeling burly Brits in nylon shorts. Gavin Henson
And please take a closer gander at Gavin Henson, would ya? Now, we enjoy a well built strapping athlete, probably more than the average viewer. And we are not too proud to admit that we’d gladly let Gavin lob a few balls between our goal posts . . . but unless he plans to lube us up with the three barrels of crude oil he has sopped into his Cockatoo-like sprouthead, we’re gonna have to throw a tarp over his head in order to achieve any level of pleasure, or self respect.Daniella Westbrook
Please ignore the half hearted “Pretty in Pink” look, and focus on this bitches credits. She played Samantha Mitchell on EastEnders (you know, the BBC soap that has been running since Lord Admiral Nelson took a bullet wound and went legs up), after tossing her character over to another actress willing to give up any chance at real stardom – Daniella apparently became tabloid fodder when it was revealed that her “excessive” use of cocaine resulted in a completely “eroded nasal septum”. (We pause to note that we think that’s kinda sexy, and doesn’t it make it easier to inhale a kilo at a time if there’s nothing to derail it?) Anywho, she has rebounded fantastically from her drug infused media circus by proudly lifting her bleeding nostrils out of the gutter long enough to appear on . . . get ready:
“I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” AND “I’m Famous and Frightened!”. We shit you not. We don’t know about you, but that last one sounds F-U-N! Bring your drippy nose on over, Daniella . . . we know a few celebs we’d love to frighten on this side of the Atlantic.Michelle Heaton
Whoa, Nelly! Stand back you U.S. skanks and tramps, this Limey slutbag is going to take you all on! Yowsa! Apparently she’s a British “pop star”, but then again what living soul on the planet hasn’t been at one point or another. Apparently she is currently in the band “Liberty X”. XXX is more bloody like it, you skeevy cow. Why bother putting on a dress at all, at this point? Just grease up ya tits with some hogfat from your back and slide on down the red carpet why don’t ya? W-H-O-R-E!!!!!!!Nadia
Okay, kids. For those of you out of the whole British Reality TV loop – and we hope that means most of us. This. This is Nadia Almada. Winner of “Big Brother UK 2004”. Now, before we looked her up, we were bewildered at her Victor Mature like barrel chest, and Hervé Villechaize like pout. Gee, awfully mannish, ain’t she. Well smack upside the head with a Yorkshire terrier, ‘cause ole Nadia here was born as one Jorge Leodoro, who went by the name of “Carlos”. Post-op tranny here, kids. Off with the log, and throw a skirt on the hog. There ain’t nothing else to add except to mention that “she’s” also Portuguese. Helps to explain the dress. But not the purse. Or is that an Aztec sacrificial fan?Dr. Gillian McKeith
Yes, yes, we’ll get to the wandering tit in a second. First, we would like to present Dr. Gillian McKeith, a noted Holistic nutritionist, who hosts the smash hit show “You Are What You Eat”. Well, judging from Gillian’s face, she must really enjoy a good moldy Pudding. Ouch. Kinda hard to look at ain’t she. Just look at her! Even her left tit is trying to avoid being seen with her! (Thank you for waiting.) Brave little hooter, so sad how it’s just creeping it’s little warped way over that tarty slip with gauzy wrap ensemble she’s failing miserably with.

And now . . . for our shocking reveal! Bum, bum, BUM!!!!! The party in question is . . . may we have the envelope please:

The 2005 Children's Charities Trust Awards
Held at the Grosvenor House Hotel - London

Got that? “Children’s Charities”. Clearly meant for the slutty child. You remember her . . . the little prissy whore on the playground who used to match her socks with her hair ribbons. She was always so pulled together, you just knew that the tiny skank was flashing her bald cooter to all the bad boys on the monkey bars. Whore.

Till next time! Cheerio, pip-pip, wot wot, and all that jazz! Bless you all!