Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Teen Vogue Young Hollywood Issue Party

Hey, what if Hollywood threw a party and nobody you cared about or even heard of showed up? Well, look no further. Recently, that bastion of the free press (we wish it were free, we could use the extra change for smokes), Teen Vogue® hosted a “Young Hollywood” party to celebrate some theme related edition of their rag. And hey! Guess What!!!! Like Oh My Fricking God! It was hosted at the, we mean T-H-E spot du jour – The Roosevelt Hotel, famous for treating their guests like Kurds. We freely admit this one took us a couple of days, ‘cause really, who cares? We think the pics speak for themselves. But as always, we will contribute our commentary. It’s what you expect and deserve as our faithful public. Let’s start out with some people you might actually have heard of.Lindsay Lohan
Oh, my STARS!!!!! We had no idea they were remaking “Bewitched”, so soon after Nicole Kidman’s disasterously dull big screen remake earlier this year. And yes, we know Hollywood is skewing younger and younger nowadays – but honestly kids, La Lohan is far too young to be enacting the role of Endora. Which would be the only excuse for donning this bedskirt with matching capelet. Slap on that drapery tie-back your assistant found in a dumpster in Silverlake, and voila! C’est un ensemble!Hilary Duff
We are simply not going to dignify the rampant rumors pitting Miss Lohan against Miss Duff in a full out turf war, due to the fact we are not sure what turf they would be fighting over? The Coffee Bean® on Sunset? “Fucking bitch cut the line and nabbed the last biscotti – I’ll fucking cut her!” As for Miss Duff’s frock, it’s lovely, it was even lovelier when Shirley Maclaine wore it in “The Apartment”. Although the costume designer on said flick had the decency to nix the Mardi Gras beads that la Duffster has wrapped so inconspicuously around her neck. Hiding anything, Hil? Naughty bint.

Well, it could be worse . . . .Haylie Duff
Damn it!!! We hate it when we speak too soon! While we admire the sisters for not attempting to upstage each other. Just think how much fun they must have had in the bathroom, getting all dolled up for the show: “You look classy! No, you do! No, you do! No, you do! Got any blow?” We are going to bring the hammer down on Haylie for having the dumber name. And the longer face.Emmy Rossum
Remember her? Well, no reason you should. But we’ll remind you. She’s been milking her “Phantom of the Opera” dud for every free gift bag it was worth. Which isn’t saying much. Emmy managed to squeeze this party into her busy schedule of grocery store openings and answering her fan mail. Her one fan. Not us. That fat gay fifteen year old in Ohio who must be sick of her by now. We certainly are. And we’d never thought we’d say this, but here it goes: Emmy, go see the Duff sisters for fashion advice! A flared pleather miniskirt and black doily décolletage ain’t gonna impress us. Repulse us, yes. Impress, not so much.Al Santos
You know, from “Grosse Point” and Pringles® TV commercial fame. We shit you not. That's his claim to fame. No, you did not misread that. That’s all we could find on this thick-necked, glue-stick head. He’s kinda hot in that “Yeah, sure I’ll go back to your dorm room and check out your beer lights collection, and no I don’t mind turning my back while you freshen my drink – what’s that floating in it?” kinda way.Ashlee Scott
“If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands . . . if you’re a stupid fucking skank wearing Martha Graham’s rehearsal smock and boots from Nine West, clap your hands . . . “Benji and Joel Madden
Oh, for Christ’s fucking sake! If your parents named you after a cute little dog, last seen avoiding traffic . . . you are NOT ALLOWED TO ATTEMPT A GOTH LOOK! Benji and Joel. Yeah. Dudes - really butch names there. You two should be working behind the men’s makeup counter at Saks Fifth Avenue. And from the looks of your eyeliner, you do.Caleigh Peters
Where’s the flood, bitch? Zowie!! The dirt we found on this one. She’s Jon Peters daughter, which may mean nothing to you, but it means her godmother is Barbra Streisand. Hoooookaaayyyyy. Barbra Streisand is this like, really old woman, who was like mega famous like a thousand years ago, and that still doesn’t explain why Caleigh here is sporting a “Dirty Dancing” look, replete with horse’s feedbag accessories. Go hit up godmama Babs for some fashion advice will ya? You heard us. That’s how desperate we are for something even remotely resembling stylish.Chad Muska & Vanessa Traina
Alright, let’s clear this up once and for all. Chad. You are a Honky. A Cracker. A Frozen Yogurt chomping, Abercrombie & Felch dangling off your ass-crack, Toyota Prius® driving whitey. Lose the bling. Lose the sideways trucker cap. And for God’s sake . . . lose the thing standing next to you! The harpy in the “Sound of Music” cast-off is one-half of the Danielle Steel offspring / coat tail riders / Paris & Nicky better watch their bone protruding backs – red carpet despoilers. The other one is named Victoria. And we don’t care.Genevieve Cortese
We had absolutely no clue. So we researched her. And still. No clue. We did find this quote: “I learned to ride from my mom, she is the ultimate rider.” We pray to God she’s talking about horses. If she’s not, then there’s some serious at home sex education schooling going on at the Cortese household. We’ll go with horses. Helps to explain the slumped shoulders and the hay-like hairdo . . . but does simply nothing to help us understand what on Earth would possess someone to drape themselves in a Marimekko® bed sheet. Although, we did see some on sale at Crate & Barrel® recently. Maybe the poor thing is on a budget? Ginnifer Goodwin
Oh, Lord. Here we go again. Apparently she appeared on “Ed”. And in “Mona Lisa Smiles”. Two credits that should guarantee she never works in this town or any other AGAIN!!!! But, alas, two points for determination. Both points removed for remembering you were attending an event exactly two seconds prior to hitting the red carpet. “Oh shit!! I’m soooo supposed to be there. Hilary will like, murder me! Think they’ll notice I was on my way to the pharmacy to buy some lip gloss and diuretics?”
And by the by, we did not misspell her name. That’s how the stupid cow spells it. When exactly did it become common practice to think up ass backwards spelling of common names???? If that’s the case our first two children will be named Pawleee and Ankljdkwluwre. And they will be pronounced Mary and Michael. Go to Hell!Jack Osbourne
We applaud the change in lifestyle. We applaud the weight loss. We are rooting for you to lose another 35 pounds. Above the neck. Then we would be happy to look at you.Jeremy Sumpter
Wow. Copping the Corey Haim look, post “Lost Boys” takes balls. This one doesn’t have them. He was the latest “Peter Pan”, and was actually quite good a few years back in the underrated “Frailty” (Go Netflix, now!) But now, well honey, you can’t throw a stick on Santa Monica Boulevard without hitting at least 89 lookalike hustlers. Move it down to Orange County, bitch. We’re up to our armpits in twinks around here.Jesse Metcalfe
So smug. So tweezed. Such a round, tight little bulbous ass . . . . Whew. Where were we? Who are we? Who are you?Journey Smallet
No, really. Who ARE YOU??????? We know that the whole frock tossed over a pair of vintage wash jeans look became popular awhile back, but then again, so did Oral Herpes. Laura Breckinridge
What if Myra and Myron had a child? Bada-bing. Oh my Gaaadd!! Wait! She played Janice on that one episode of “Boston Public”! Remember? That very special episode where the high school was held up by angry Ukranian separatists, and the entire debate team was forced to eat Jeri Ryan’s tits to stave off hunger, and Nicky Katt was sodomized by Michael Rapaport? What? You missed it? Well, anyway, at this point we were convinced that the organizers of the event simply pulled a tour bus up to the Glendale mall, right up to the front door of Hot Topic®.Megalyn Echikunwoke
Gesundheit! Her bio on imdb states: “Her last name is Nigerian and it means "leader of men". She is half Nigerian.” We were appalled!!!!! Like any four year old knows, the politically correct term is African-American. Shame on the imdb. They are forever off our bookmark list. Good riddance. Makes room for more porn sites. Michael Angarano
Hey!! We know this kid! We like him! From “Almost Famous” to “Will & Grace” to “Sky High”. He’s kinda fun. But then again, our idea of fun usually consists of binge drinking, chain smoking and downloading the latest SeanCody® vid. Are you judging us? Step off, bitches.Michelle Trachtenberg
Awwwwwwwwwwwwww. Buffy la slayer du Vampire’s little bratty kid sister. Please note how her hip bone is actually protruding from underneath her frock. Speaking of . . .Nicole Richie
Girls. Take note. An easy way to defray those “is she bulimic / an H addict / dead” rumors is to dress like Barbara Mandrell in her Sunday finest! Works for us. Nora Zehetner
She’s on “Everwood”. Or was. Like we watch. Oh, yeah – she was also the “Girl at the Party” in “American Pie 2”. You remember? The one Seann William Scott scatted on, and then licked? Looks like she never fully washed it off. Moving on.Orange
Orange? Orange you glad you’re not them? Orange you thinking what a bunch of Fagged-out-Whippet-snorting-watched-too-many-retro-videos-of-Queen-Bay City Rollers-and-Cheap Trick-in-their-parents-basement-skater-bitches? Orange you wishing you had a fully loaded 9mm Luger® tucked into your VBH® Day Bag? We is.Paris Hilton & Kimberly Stewart
What’s left to say at this point? Did you really expect these two skanks to arrive minty fresh and stylishly swathed? We’re thrilled they aren’t actually giving head to the paparazzi, while simultaneously snorting primo Columbian and skidding down the red carpet on a Segway®. Okay, we admit Paris’ homage to a Big Sur beachcomber circa 1971 is beyond ludicrous, and Kimberly . . . we don’t know where to begin! We're going to ignore you. Just because we know that will irritate the fuck out of you. Obviously you got dressed just to be laughed at. We're not falling for it. Moving on.Q’Orianka Kilcher
The newest Pocahontas in the eagerly awaited “The New World” from genius director Terrence Malick. (Go Netflix® his Flicks, NOW!!!) Since she’s fifteen years old, and her father is German and mother of South American Indian blood – we’ll forgive her. Those three strikes would almost eliminate her completely, but we have faith in Maestro Malick’s talent. After all he helped discover Sissy Spacek!
Speaking of which . . .Schuyler Fisk
Well. Okay. For those of you not in the know – this one hatched from Oscar winning Sissy Spacek and her production designing hubby Jack Fisk. Talented parents. Sadistic stylist. We adore the classics, but rummaging thru flea markets looking for Doris Day’s toss offs from “Midnight Lace” ain’t gonna win you any points in our book. And yes, we are keeping track. Pull it together, Sky, you’re sinking fast.Stephen Coletti
Close your mouth, bitch. Or open it all the way, and make the day of a thousand catamite agents at CAA, hoping to finish casting “Bareback Mountain”. You’re one gag reflex away from taking Jake Gyllenhaal’s role in the porn remake.Taryn Manning
Wow! With credits like “8 mile”, “Cold Mountain” and “Hustle & Flow”, this one seems to be the Meryl Streep of the Z-list crowd that attending Wednesdays festivities, after all at least she’s appeared in a movie by an Oscar winning director. Although, after her recent JetBlue® scare, she might have the right Method acting preparation for the WB’s version of the Patsy Cline story? Just saying. Oh yeah, Taryn, real purdee top! Made it yourself?The Donnas
These five trollops, we’re counting the one on the far left as two people, really chafe our collective asses. Altho’ we admire Mama Donna for dressing like she’s 17 people, just to throw us off. It didn’t work, but it helped to distract from the rest of the Goodwill® shopping spree hen brigade.Wilmer Valderrama
We are posting this one on our fridge, to help remind us:
1. Never do blow prior to media event.
2. Shower before you leave the house.
3. Ankh symbols are soooooooo out.
4. Remember to Stain Stick the cum stains out of our jeans.

And with that, we wrap things up. We just have one thing to add to all of the young, tight, so on top of the world types who traipsed up and down the Bloody Red Carpet. Enjoy your time, kids. After all, it was not so long ago, these were the “Hot Young Things”. No need to thank us for that visual cautionary tale, we are here to serve as always. Bless you all!