The 60th Annual British Academy Awards - Fashion & Film Review

The 60th Annual Orange British Academy Awards
Sunday 11 February 2007
Royal Opera House, London

Has it really been sixty years? Well dump us in porridge, it has! Last night we witnessed the truncated telecast on BBC-America of the British Academy Awards, nicknamed the BAFTAs. Seriously, people. In sixty years, you couldn’t come up with a catchier phrase? The Limeys? Anyway, the BAFTAs have always been a shimmering affair with all the very top notch British talent showing up, glammed and glittering to receive the highest accolade from the British film community. Last night was no exception, and yet it had less sparkle to it since the delightfully talented and wickedly sharp Stephen Fry did not return as the host. Instead we got Jonathan Ross, of the forced wit and lisping drawl who proceeded to get barely a snicker from the sparkling crowd.

Hell, our future husband Jake Gyllenhaal managed to steal the show as one of the presenters with his deadpanned humor. (Cute and funny, that’s it – book the cathedral, we’re setting a date!)

As is the case with the Oscars, the BAFTAs tend to favor their own which seems a perfectly natural tendency when it comes to handing out gilded statues. The perfect example being the crowd pleasing revamp of the James Bond franchise, “Casino Royale” which topped the nominations but only managed to earn one award for Best Sound. Ah well, at least our alternate future husband, Daniel Craig can lay claim to being the first Bond lead to earn a major acting nomination for his international starmaking turn. And clearly, with the amount of jokes at the expense of his sparkling blue eyes, buff physique and pistol packing swimsuit scene – he was the star of the night. The acting awards themselves went to . . . hold onto your hats, this might stun you . . . Helen Mirren, Forest Whitaker and Jennifer Hudson!

We know, we know. We too were under the assumption that winning every other acting award in Christendom had narrowed their chances. The only acting award surprise, went to Alan Arkin for his delightful turn in “Little Miss Sunshine”. Personally, we were hoping they would have honored the very talented James McAvoy for his grand leading role in “The Last King of Scotland”, for which he was mistakenly nominated in the Supporting Actor category along with the very deserving Michael Sheen for “The Queen”. Still, we don’t begrudge Mr. Arkin his honor. And we certainly don’t begrudge the gals for turning out in some very wonderful fashions! Cheers to the ladies! (And some of the blokes.)

In particular:

¡Lo mejor!
Penélope Cruz in Oscar de la Renta and Chopard jewels
While some might quibble that Miss Cruz has opted for the safety of a brocaded tit-gown; we admire the fact that it fits her, flatters her hourglass figure, manages to suit the “Prestigious Awards Show Fashion” parameters without revolting us. All in all, a safe and lovely choice. Bravo!

Rescued!
Kate Winslet in Ben de Lisi with Chopard jewels
After her appallingly washed out display at the Globes, Miss Winslet appeared absolutely ravishing in this extraordinarily simple gown. Okay, the idea has been around since time began, but at least it works! She ain’t gonna win any awards for it, but it gives us hope for her turn down the red carpet come Oscar time. We’re keeping our fingers crossed, Kate – DON’T FUCK IT UP!

The Spy Who Scared the Living Fuck Out of Us!
Eva Green in Dior with Cartier jewelry
A. You’re a beautiful and talented young actress. B. You deserved your “Rising Star” award last night. C. We like you so much; we didn’t even mind you draping your lithesome Gallic frame over our future husband Daniel Craig – much. D. What in God’s creation were you thinking when you allowed some demented queen to rat your hair out to Brillo pad status? Is she going bald? Maybe it’s her pathetic attempt to distract us from the Mummy-like motif of her gown. Or the bejeweled cuffs and choker that would have embarrassed Her Imperial Majesty the Empress Consort Alexandra Feodorovna of Russia. Or simply bad taste. In any case, she certainly wins our Worst Dressed Award. Congrats! We think.

Gideon’s Strumpet
Emily Blunt in Elie Saab and Cartier rocks
First, this is an improvement over the heinous GG ensemble – congrats on the step up, you bint. Secondly, there is something almost appealing to this glittering doily avec cummerbund, in a tarty Bob Mackie kind of way. Maybe it’s the Robin’s Egg blue that is hypnotizing us with thoughts of inner peace and dewey spring mornings resting on a bucolic hillside somewhere . . . what were we talking about? Oh, her! No, it still doesn’t work.

We Said “Resign”, not “Design”.
Maria Grachvogel
Who recently commented on her design philosophy: “We are offering something very special here – the pleasure of owning something truly unique.” If by unique, Maria, you mean tarted-up-animal-print-throw-rug, well then, yes. Maria claims to make women feel like “goddesses”. We were not aware of the existence of an Albino Cheetah Goddess – but we’ll take her word for it.

Rule, Britannia! Britannia, rule the waves!
Dame Helen Mirren in Jaques Azagury with Chopard jewels
Well, this is quite nice for the Dame, ain’t it? Color, silhouette, suitably glamorous without being whorish. It’s certainly age appropriate – no labial flaps tripping her on the way out of the limo, no-sirree-bob! However, the crumpled mess of a train that Dame Helen apparently chose to sleep in last night is not exactly our favorite look. Iron! Ever heard of it? We’ll let it go this time, but she better get her wrinkly act together for the Oscars. We’re referring to the dress, not her neckline. On second thought, a tiny yank and pull couldn’t hurt.

Speaking of which . . .
Sally Farmiloe
“Cigars, cigarettes, condoms . . . wigs?” Any BAFTA telecast is bound to produce a few of those D-list British celebs whose notoriety extends only as far as the White Cliffs of Dover. This would be one of them. This should be another one . . .

Fascist? Oh, you meant Fashion.
Sienna Miller in Vintage Ungaro
When not busy getting jilted in favor of overweight servants, failing to ignite any interest in her acting career, or insulting host cities to her latest film project – Sienna “Why am I famous?” Miller enjoys hiding in her grandmother’s portieres and rubbing her head with a balloon. We cannot possibly waste any more energy in mocking a woman who clearly is not the least bit concerned with her appearance. Yes, we know she is the “darling” of the British fashionistas and we don’t care. Since when did the British have a good sense of judgment? Two words: Neville Chamberlain.

Now look what you’ve gone and done, you tasteless tramp! You’ve upset our Jakey! Cheer up, Jake. Look who’s arrived!

“Can’t Get You Out of My Breast”
Kylie Minogue in a custom made Dolce & Gabbana frock with hand embroidered details
You know you’re definitely at the BAFTAs when Kylie Minogue gets the biggest ovation of the night! Movies, schmovies IT’S KYLIE!!!!! Well, that’s alright. We kind of love this trollop ourselves. She sure knows how to work a ramp, we’ll tell you. Watching her descend that ridiculously raked entrance was a lesson in star quality! We’ll forgiver her for her fashion choice, in observance of her brave and successful battle over cancer recently. Although, we might point out that somebody who has come back from the brink, so to speak, might want to avoid hand embroidered couture mini-dresses. Vegas-Flashy and Underage-Asian-Sweatshop-Labor detailing do not necessarily mesh well with “Brave Cancer Survivor on the Comeback Trail”. Just saying.

And Speaking of Gay Icons . . .
My How They Grow Up!
Jamie Bell, who won the Best Actor BAFTA in 2001 for his bravura adolescent turn in "Billy Elliot" will be 21 years old on March 14th of this year, so you can all finally stop looking at us with that withering judgmental glare. You know the one.

We get it, this is “The Aftermath”.
Toni Collette in Max Azria with Chopard jewels!
Now, we can go with the shimmering quality and even the take-no-prisoners décolletage, but it’s all about the drape for us! Unless, that dress is literally meant to represent a Tsunami with the foamy crescent dangling across your backside, we’re not going for it. It’s too “Atlantic City Mafia Wedding" for us. Toni, you can do better. TRY!!

The Golden Plunger Award
Thandie Newton in Giles with Solange Azagury-Partridge jewels
Now listen, Thandie. Yes, you’re a beautiful young lady. Yes, this look does scream: “At least, I made an attempt!” To which, we are thankful. We like the fact it fits you well, it is dramatic and you certainly took more than one second to comb your hair and do your makeup (we’re still looking at you, Sienna Miller!), but honestly – the mermaid dress! Again! This must stop.

Lady of the Rings? We’re not ready for that sequel . . .
Dame Judi Dench
Unless Peter Jackson is indeed casting septuagenarians with Dame Commander of the British Empire status for another Hobbit flick, this dress is an extraordinarily poor choice for a woman shaped like an anvil. Either that, or the circus is in town. No, that can’t be it. What would a midget be doing on the BAFTA red carpet?

Spoke too soon . . .
Abigail Breslin
This child will never make it in this industry if she continues to dress like a Kleenex® dispenser.

CLASS? Oh, you meant Klass.
Myleene Klass in one of Lola Falana’s hand-me-downs
We understand she’s very talented. We also understand it must have been very cold on the red carpet last night. Slap a little gaffer’s tape over the pencil erasers, Myleene. You’re gonna hurt someone.

Security Breach!
Who the bloody hell invited Joey Heatherton? What? Apparently that’s some twaddle named Sarah Harding. No, we have no idea. Moving on.

Given the option of Joan & Melissa Rivers or Ryan Seacrest . . .
We’ll pick that nutjob loudmouth Ruby Wax any day!
This ex-pat comedienne with all the tact of a Sherman tank has left celebs gaping and alternately howling at her antics. Which seem to include a proclivity for airing out her aging cooter. And wearing Mukluks. Alright, nobody ever said she was known for her sense of style.

And Speaking of Style . . .
License to Thrill!
Daniel Craig and some hussy paying homage to “Goldfinger”
This humpy slice of beefcake has clearly arrived! Hopefully into our waiting arms. Don’t feel too badly for our Danny-boy. He may have lost the Best Actor prize to Forest Whitaker, but his long deserved day in the spotlight ensures that he will return to a BAFTA stage and theatre near you soon. If he can escape our cunning trap we’ve laid for him. We’re not at liberty to divulge the specifics, suffice to say it involves wrist restraints, an open bar and copious amounts of Astroglide®.

See, now that makes Jake happy again! Next Awards stop, the Independent Spirit Awards and then, the industry’s Big Night! Pip, pip, cheerio and all that rot! Bless you all!

The 60th Annual Orange British Academy Awards List of Winners:

Best Film – The Queen
The David Lean Award for Achievement in Direction –
Paul Greengrass for United 93
The Alexander Korda Award for the Outstanding British Film of the Year – The Last King of Scotland
Best Actress in a Leading Role – Helen Mirren for The Queen
Best Actor in a Leading Role – Forest Whitaker for The Last King of Scotland
Best Actress in a Supporting Role – Jennifer Hudson for Dreamgirls
Best Actor in a Supporting Role – Alan Arkin for Little Miss Sunshine
Best Original Screenplay – Michael Arndt for Little Miss Sunshine
Best Adapted Screenplay – Peter Morgan & Jeremy Brock for The Last King of Scotland
Best Film Not in the English Language – Pan’s Labyrinth
Best Animated Feature Film – Happy Feet
The Carl Foreman Award for Special Achievement by a British Director, Writer or Producer in their First Feature Film – Andrea Arnold (Director) for Red Road
Best Cinematography – Emmanuel Lubezki for Children of Men
Best Editing – United 93
Best Costume Design – Pan’s Labyrinth
Best Production Design – Children of Men
The Anthony Asquith Award for Achievement in Film Music – Gustavo Santaolalla for Babel
Best Sound - Casino Royale
Best Achievement in Special Visual Effects – Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Best Make Up & Hair – Pan’s Labyrinth
Best Short Animation Film – Guy 101
Best Short Film – Do Not Erase
The Orange Rising Star Award – Eva Green
The Academy Fellowship – Anne V. Coates
The Michael Balcon Award for Outstanding British Contribution to Cinema – Nick Daubeny