The 13th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Fashion & Film Review

13th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards
January 28, 2007 at the Shrine Auditorium

In 1933, at the height of the Great Depression, and boy were we depressed, a group of actors got a bug up their collective asses regarding the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, who were wielding a tad too much power over their contract negotiations between producers and artists. Basically, they said enough was enough and formed their own union, and with the backing of some of Hollywood’s most prominent and respected thespians formed the nascent Screen Actor’s Guild. Over sixty years later, they finally got their shit together to start presenting annual awards recognizing each other for the fine work they do. Nobody ever said unions worked quickly. Sheesh.

And so now, here we are at the 13th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards held last night at the lovely Shrine Auditorium! And aired live on the TBS / TNT stations. Thud. No wonder we were the only viewers in this hemisphere. So, lucky for you dear readers we are here to tell you that absolutely no surprises happened last night and everybody who has been winning an award this season pretty much won another one. Which is not a bad thing when it comes to the talented Helen Mirren and Forest Whitaker. Okay, so maybe it’s a bad thing when it comes to Jennifer Hudson and Eddie Murphy. But let’s skip that part for now, and take a gander at the real shock of the night – the fashions!

While we still abhor the latest “Drape Yourself in White / Nude” look that seems to be sweeping Hollywood faster than a stay in rehab, we were more than pleasantly surprised to see that some of the gals who had previously been scaring the living shit out of us, had managed to pull their act together. Case in point!

Back on the Line!
Reese Witherspoon in Nina Ricci and a pair of kicky Christian Louboutin heels!
Everybody stop what they’re doing, put down that cocktail / beer / coffee / rubbing alcohol and pay attention! Our faithful readers will remember that despite our strong admiration for Miss Witherspoon’s acting talent, we have been consistently and horribly disappointed at her fashion choices for walking the red carpet. From her frowsy Mamie Eisenhower look at last years Oscars, to her hand me down ill fitting cocktail dresses to her recent Starburst® Yellow atrocity at this years Globes. Well, we are here to tell you that for the first time in a very long time, Miss Witherspoon is NOT headlining our Worst Dressed List! No, kids, she finally has found an outfit, that while it certainly won’t rate her the most stunning woman of the night, we whole heartedly and blissfully approve of!

What is happening! The gals are really pulling it together!

There She Is!
Vanessa Williams in Pamela Rowland
Stepping out of the 19th century whore drag replete with dead mammal she sported at the Globes, she is positively glowing in a baby blue simple frock from Pamela Rowland. Slap on a pair of complimentary earrings, and let the hair escape from under the hurricane hairdon’t – and Miss Williams is back on top!

Out of the Trailer Park and Onto the Red Carpet!
Jaime Pressly in Badgley Mischka
You know, sometimes the trashy girls really surprise us. This would be one of those times. Jaime Pressly who was rightfully nominated for her take-no-prisoners comic turn in “My Name is Earl” looked lovely, and radiant. Blame the thug on the right for the bun in the microwave – but she was working the red carpet in full parturient splendor!

We’ll Give Her 24 Minutes Before We Pull the Cord
Kim Raver in Kevan Hall
“Tea cozy, tea cozy, who’s got my tea cozy?”

Cutting Her a Lot of Slack!
Mariska Hargitay in Carolina Herrara
Probably still recovering from her humongous baby’s birth last summer, and being the daughter of one of our fave Hollywood Sex Sirens – we’ll let this one go. As should she.

Portrait of a Towering Housewife
Brenda Strong
This cheeky Amazon had the temerity to tell Ryan Seacrest during the preshow that her frock was inspired by the famed John Singer Sargent painting, known widely as “Madame X”. Poor thing had no idea she was wasting her breath since the walking highlight-applicator had never heard of Sargent or “Madame X”. He misunderstood and was heard to shriek: “Sargent?! Oooooo, is he in the military? I love a man in uniform.”

Here We Go Again - One Grecian Urn!
Julia Louis Dreyfus in Carolina Herrera
Better than the last frock she wore to the Globes, but still.

Two Grecian Urns . . .
Katherine Heigl
Working the whole glam thing, and you know what for a young TV starlet she manages to pull it together quite well. Yes, it’s a little too Vintage Beauty Pageant, but we’ll let it slide.

And the Big Finale!
Cate Blanchett in Giorgio Armani
Alright, if you have to go with that whole draping, flowing, Dean Martin’s Golddiggers kind of look, this would be our choice. Honestly, darling. Gold? On your white as lard skin? Okay, A bit too waterfally for our taste, but we do adore this classy and extremely talented lass from Down Under. The whispy hair with the flyaway tendrils is getting on our last plucked nerve – God willing this trend will pass before the Oscars.

“Hey, Big Spendor!”
Heather Graham
In Oscar de la Renta’s tribute to “Sweet Charity” replete with a pair of Versace-let-me-lap-dance-over-you-‘cause-I’m-a-dimestore-whore looking pair of hooves.

“Spend a Little Time With Me!”
Ryan Gosling with some two dollar whore . . . what? Excuse us? No, that can’t possibly be Rachel McAdams, could it? Even that half-wit wouldn’t dress like a two year old with a pair of Barbie® pumps and show up with hair that looks like she slept in her own vomit after a night of drinking Pink Ladies, would she? She would.

As Bad As We Remember
Helen Hunt slowly disappearing into the ether in a fleshbag colored schmatta. Go ahead and vanish you tired relic from the 90s. We liked you once. On “The Bionic Woman”, when you were ten years old. And never since.

Transamerica Was LAST Year!
Felicity Huffman in Moschino
What in the hell? You play one tranny, cop a few awards and it all goes back to rack in ruin, doesn’t it. We have no idea what happened to Felicity Huffman last night, she was looking surprisingly put together at the Globes, and now this Widow’s Weeds silhouette from 1959 coupled with a miserably failed attempt at a chignon which she has apparently stapled to her earlobe.

Flavorless Flave
Ellen Pompeo in Lanvin
This is what a toothpick would look like sporting a Hubcab or Victorian Bell Pull.

Marionette Sheridan
Nicolette Sheridan in Collette Dinnigan
Poor, poor Miss Sheridan. This is actually the only way she can ambulate down the red carpet of life. One too many nips, tucks, pulls and soldering experiences has left the poor thing with the body alignment of . . . well, a marionette. (Can’t you people read?) Rumor has it; she has to sneeze to take a dump. We know, we don’t want to think about it either. Moving on.

Ugly is I-N!

America Ferrara who is sporting Badgley Mischka, and mastering the art of making a silk purse out of a sows ear. Yes that was a back handed compliment. Deal with it.

The Nasty Professor
Outstanding Performance to a Male Actor in a Supporting Role (Whew!) winner Eddie Murphy and his Outstanding Transformation by a Male Hustler in Female Drag / Date for the night. His date’s real name is Ramon Estevez (No relation to Emilio) who works the corner of Santa Monica and La Cienega Blvd. That Ramon, let us tell you, he’s a hard worker. He could suck the varnish off a banister with those collagen bloated lips! (Not that we would know from personal experience, we prefer our men a tad manlier.)

Speaking of which . . .
Michael C. Hall
The former fagaleh / mortician from “Six Feet Under” is now wowing the critics and all three regular viewers by playing another outcast from society, a serial killer / forensics expert in “Dexter”. On Showtime. Go figure, so edgy that cable channel. We’d still let him tie us up and slap us around for awhile, but we draw the line at actual instruments of torture. Okay, maybe a ball gag, but that’s it!

The Demented
Mark Wahlberg in Giorgio Armani
A. Stop chewing gum – spit it out – you’re on camera! And B. We’re happy you were nominated for an Oscar, but get some perspective, Marky Mark! He had the nerve to say it was his “First Oscar Nomination”, as if there will be others. Puh-lease. For what? “Planet of the Apes Pt 2”? And for the Oscars, we recommend he wear this ensemble, it shows off his real talents.

And We Are Telling You We Don’t Give a Shit!
Jennifer Hudson in Michael Kors
This beaded frock is way too Margaret Dumont for our tastes. Matronly on a gal so, how shall we say it . . . F-A-T!! It does fit her well, and her stylist should be given an Award for finding the extra large whale bone corset that helps considerably, but that neckline is not flattering to the big boned gals. Her boobs were well under control in her Globes frock, but here they’re just listless and drooping and spreading to the far reaches of the galaxy. All in all, we wish she would just go away and that the Academy would hand the Oscar over to Abigail Breslin or Cate Blanchett, actresses that actually deserve it. (We can dream, can’t we?)

And Speaking of the Diminutive Dynamo . . .
Abigail Breslin in some Gypsy Garb and Jimmy Choo’s?
We love her, more than her overpraised movie. She absolutely slew us last night when she revealed she had lip gloss and cookies in her purse. We hope she beats the oversized skirt off of Jennifer Hudson at the Oscars.

Wicked!
Dame Helen Mirren in Morgane Le Fay (How apropos)
Helen Mirren looking appropriately glamorous and stately in a draped midnight blue ensemble. You know what, its fine. It ain’t gonna win any awards for her, unlike her competition quashing performance in “The Queen”. But, hey. We’re thrilled there was no veiled hat with matching gloves atrocity.

Being Baked Would Explain This . . .
Mary Louise Parker in J. Mendel and Neil Lane
Such a talented lady. Attractive too. Not tonight. In theory. What is this? Seriously? She resembles one of those decorative paper caps you place on a rack of lamb.

Moving Target
Sandra Oh in Giorgio Armani
Where do we begin? She can spin around till her head pops off, but this dress is doing nothing for her. Although we are grateful for the bullseye on her sternum, helps tremendously in lining up our shot.

Best Excuse for Stronger Immigration Laws
Eva Longoria in Vera Wang
This useless puta had the nerve to say that she didn’t “Put much thought into” choosing her gowns. NO! Really? Could have fooled us. Unless “Lopped off at the knees” is the “New Black” this season, somebody needs to put this tired twat out of our misery. And we mean NOW!

The 2nd Best Excuse for Stronger Immigration Laws
Sara Ramirez in BCBG Max Azria
Listen, girly, when you are shaped like a Dreidel, you might want to avoid gathering your skirt into your generous waistband. Just a thought. No need to thank us.

Am I Late?
Marcia Gay Harden
Hey, do you remember that horrible story of that girl that gave birth at her prom, killed the baby and went back to the dance floor? This is her.

Ground Control to Major Tom
Jeremy Irons in that damn frockcoat look he’s so fond of. Fucking ponce.

And We’ve Reached Our Limit!
Rinko Kikuchi, who absolutely charmed us at in her multi Award nominated turn for “Babel” has managed in the past few weeks to completely steal the “Dress Like a Retard” spotlight from every other gal in town! Now, that is a rare combination of talent, absolutely no fashion sense and a commitment to offending the viewing public that we just have to stand up and cheer!

And speaking of which, we did enjoy watching the SAG’s, if for nothing else than to watch the original cast of “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” emerge from their mausoleum in time to bring the audience to its feet, delivering the biggest and heartiest standing ovation we have seen in many a moon. What a grand tribute to the sitcom of all sitcoms. We were thrilled that they got the opportunity to present the Best Ensemble in a Comedy Series to the best of the nominees, the cast from “The Office”. The little show that somehow managed to buck the odds by adapting the already brilliant British comic gem, and turned it into their own.

Kudos to them, and to Dame Helen’s two wins and to Forest Whitaker (Please GOD, memorize an acceptance speech for the Oscars, will you?) and the rest. Full list of winners listed below. Bless you all!

13TH ANNUAL SCREEN ACTORS GUILD AWARDS®

THEATRICAL MOTION PICTURES
Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role
Forest Whitaker for THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND
Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Leading Role
Helen Mirren for THE QUEEN
Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role
Eddie Murphy for DREAMGIRLS
Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Supporting Role
Jennifer Hudson for DREAMGIRLS
Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Alan Arkin
Abigail Breslin
Steve Carell
Toni Collette
Paul Dano
Greg Kinnear

PRIMETIME TELEVISION
Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries
Jeremy Irons for ELIZABETH I
Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries
Helen Mirren for ELIZABETH I
Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Drama Series
Hugh Laurie for HOUSE
Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Drama Series
Chandra Wilson for GREY’S ANATOMY
Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series
Alec Baldwin for 30 ROCK
Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Comedy Series
America Ferrera for UGLY BETTY
Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series
GREY’S ANATOMY
Justin Chambers
Eric Dane
Patrick Dempsey
Katherine Heigl
T.R. Knight
Sandra Oh
James Pickens, Jr.
Ellen Pompeo
Sara Ramirez
Kate Walsh
Isaiah Washington
Chandra Wilson
Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series
THE OFFICE
Leslie David Baker
Brian Baumgartner
Steve Carell
David Denman
Jenna Fischer
Kate Flannery
Melora Hardin
Mindy Kaling
Angela Kinsey
John Krasinski
Paul Lieberstein
B.J. Novak
Oscar Nunez
Phyllis Smith
Rainn Wilson
Screen Actors Guild Awards 43rd Annual Life Achievement Award

(Yes, we know that it was the 13th Annual SAG Awards, but they've been giving out the Lifetime Achievement Award since 1962! Go yell at them, not us.)
Julie Andrews