Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The 64th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Fashion & Film Review

The 64th Annual Golden Globe Awards
January 15, 2007

Like waking up next to a dead hooker, Hollywood is still shaking off the horrific memory of attending last night’s 64th Annual Golden Globes Awards, with all their pomp and very little circumstance. For as long time readers will remember, the Globes are the embarrassing Euro-trash cousin to the more legitimate Movie Awards season. While New York, Los Angeles and every major city in between has seen fit to pass out their Critics prizes around early December, the Globes have won a profitable margin of acceptability all on account of timing. They are the Awards show closest in the calendar year to the Academy Awards. (Yes, we know the SAG Awards are sandwiched in between but those poor bitches can barely muster the audience interest to appear on the TBS station, in between their daily marathons of "The Shawshank Redemption" and "Law & Order" repeats.)

Still the Globes were not without their entertainment value, if for nothing else than to listen to Sacha Baron Cohen deliver his by now legendary acceptance speech for his dazzling (Yes, we said it.) comic turn in “Borat”. His ode to his co-star Ken Davitian’s dark tunnel of love was equally hilarious, off putting and nauseating. We loved it. As apparently did Mark Wahlberg and Forest Whitaker whose reaction shots were equally priceless. (And who could ever have guessed that Sacha could clean up so nicely?)

Anyway, forget who won (after “Dreamgirls” copped the Musical / Comedy Best Picture prize, we are still wishing we could forget – although we will extend our brief interruption to note that only a show as out of date and out of touch with reality would still label a category “Musical / Comedy”.) and let’s move on to the most important aspect of any self respecting Movie Awards presentation. The fashions! And what a night for fashion, or the lack of it they were. Apparently ladies - color is O-U-T! White is in. And if you must dabble in hues, make sure you appear in lots of shiny metallics in your best attempt to resemble a two dollar crack whore. Sigh. Still, there were some very surprisingly pleasant looks going on.

The Best Dressed!
Abigail Breslin in BabyGap?

The scene stealer and heartbreaker from the lackluster “Little Miss Sunshine” is the only safe choice to go with. Sorry. There it is. For while there were some interesting looks going on . . . cough, cough . . . none of them seemed as fitting as the one Little Miss Breslin is sporting. Deal with it.

Go with God, but just go!
Jennifer Hudson in Vera Wang
Started out the show right with the appropriate amount of ass kissing, copious tears and a complete dissing of her co-stars, Jennifer “Failed American Idol Contestant / Sheneneh” Hudson copped the Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture Drama or Comedy or Musical for her thudding debut in “Dreamgirls”. Her riveting . . . yawn . . . acceptance speech wherein she profusely thanked the ninety some members of the Hollywood Foreign Press for making her “feel like an actress” was spot on. “Like” being the operative word. And so fitting for a show that will never outlive the Pia Zadora fiasco! Still, for a “Large Marge” type of gal, Sheneneh managed to pick a semi decent frock that gathered judiciously under the tit flab and flayed out from there. Not the most stunning, not the most embarrassing – much like her Award winning performance!

It was a night for the zaftig gals and the elder biddies to shine! Or at least to trump the younger firmer gals who apparently think that being young and / or thin means you can wear any piece of shit frock and not get taken to task for it. They should know better.

You’re Joking
Helen Mirren in Donna Karan Couture

We don’t mean to misalign Dame Helen, who at this point after two stunning royal turns in one year has all but locked up the Oscar, SAG, Emmy, etc. – we’re asking about the dress credit. Donna Karan Couture? Is that real? Three words we never thought we’d see together. And frankly, for Dame Mirren, it’s a pleasant surprise. We don’t understand what the noise was regarding her plunging neckline, since in her youth it was harder to convince Helen to keep her clothing on than remove them. (Seriously, folks. She may seem regal but this gal can spread her legs with the best of them. Trust us. We’re still convinced she pinched our favorite pocket book back in 1982 when we were sitting opposite her on the Tube and she crossed her legs.)

Out of the Kitchen, and Into the Limelight!
Adriana Barraza

Who was so wonderful in “Babel”, as the bedraggled housekeeper run aground with charges in tow took us completely by surprise last night. Who on earth was this attractive middle aged matron walking the carpet in copper and coiffed to an inch of her life. THAT’S HER? Who knew! (We don’t care if it’s an old Oprah frock purchased at some consignment shop in Boyle Heights, it worked!)

Child of a Far Lesser God
Rinko Kikuchi in Chanel by Karl Lagerfeld

Sadly, her equally talented co-star and nominee from the same pic decided to opt for Karl Lagerfeld’s sadistic take on a cat toy. If it were not for the fact that she was a young Japanese girl, this would seem utterly ridiculous. But after having seen some of the street fashions that those gals like sporting back in the Land of the Rising Sun, we were thankful she wasn’t wearing leg warmers, fingerless gloves, a teepee on her head and carrying an oversized purse in the shape of Pikachu.

Ugly Brown Betty
Vanessa Williams
Well, we suppose if you’re going to dress like a Creole Madame in 19th century New Orleans, you absolutely must drape a dead swamp rat over your shoulders. (It was all the rage, and helped scare away the zombies we hear tell.) All we have to add is that it’s been decades since the nudie lesbo pics, ‘Nessa and if this some sort of delayed reaction to getting canned from Miss America, yes the fright wig does resemble a cartoon reaction shot. Exactly how many combs did you go through to pump that wig up?

Sausage Factory Girl
Sienna Miller in Marchesa with shoes by Rodale and Cartier jewels.
Why on earth would a lovely young lass like Sienna Miller do this to herself? Now we understand why Jude fucked the Fat Nanny. If you had to come home to Heidi-locks over here dragging the bedazzled duvet cover behind her, it might turn you into a chubby chaser as well just so you could bury your face in between her “dirty pillows” to help forget the pain.

Penelope Cruz in Chanel Haute Couture by Karl Lagerfeld
Taking the role of Spanish widow from her delightful turn in “Volver” a tad too seriously, Penelope decided to smother herself in yards and yards of black tulle to resemble an oversized Mantilla! Blech. Take a page from your delightful character, and sixties in out a la Sophia Loren!

Ugly is the New Pretty
America Ferrara in Brian Reyes with shoes by Jimmy Choo and sporting Fred Leighton jewels

We’ve loved this young lady since her big splashy debut in “Real Women Have Curves” which was delightful, go see it now! She left us teary with her heartfelt acceptance speech which provided Salma Hayek with the Best Supporting audience performance award of the night, would that she had shown such real emotion in her ridiculously Oscar nominated turn in “Frida”. But back to America, who turned out her own curvy bod in a tastefully draped ensemble by Brian Reyes. It may not have been the most stunning gown of the evening, but was certainly one of the wisest choices made by a young actress. (Oh, please. She’s fat and Hispanic, it could have been a serape!)

Ker-rist, spoke too soon!
Jennifer Lopez in Marchesa with a Rogier Vivier clutch and allegedly wearing Jimmy Choos, not that you can see them in this afghan.

Again, with the serapes! We cannot for the life of us understand why a woman possessing one of the most famously curvaceous and knockout figures in town insists on draping a caftan / throwrug / curtain / bedspread with a lace border over it! Does she have a vestigial penis? Does Marc Anthony beat her and she’s covered with bruises? What is it, Jennifer? P.S. Love the shoelaces tied judiciously to prevent boob slippage, Jenny, are you getting modest in your old age?

The Real Scandal
Cate Blanchett in Alexander McQueen with Roger Vivier Shoes

By far the most disappointing look of the night. Cate is a lovely and extremely talented actress who has pulled off far better looks than this. And she should have considered pulling this off over her head and dumping it on the Santa Ana Freeway on the way to the Beverly Hilton. Too much lace is one thing. Not enough lace is another. But when you actually manage to combine the two into a cacophony of black doilies that are so busy competing with each other, you barely have time to get distracted by the limpness of Cate’s hairdo – then it’s time to close up shop. One of the few times we think Alexander McQueen should have done more to the dress before shipping it out. Perhaps a tartan muffler?

“We are not amused.”
Angelina Jolie in St. John with Brad Pitt in far too much clothing.

The reigning Queen and King of Hollywood deigned to leave their Mia Farrow like brood for the night to honor the Globes with their attendance, thereby acknowledging Mr. Pitt’s Supporting Actor nomination. What can one say about the perfect pair at this point? Clearly, Ryan Seacrest had nothing sensible to utter on the red carpet during his ten seconds of valuable time bathing in their aura. His penetrating (he wishes) queries included the following: “How many more kids are you going to have?” and our favorite “Is it hard to live your lives in front of the spotlight?” Thud. Crickets. Daggers emanating from Angie’s eyes as Brad tactfully and curtly replied prior to whisking her off to their table where Angie downed a quick Vodka Stinger and text messaged her people to wipe that pre-fab tanned closeted highlight applicator off the face of the planet. To which the whole entertainment industry showered them with praise.

Little Girl Found!
Drew Barrymore in Dior Haute Couture by John Galliano with Leviev jewels
When she breezed onto the red carpet, we were entranced by her healthy glow, womanly grace and beauty and flowing smock. It certainly was a vast improvement over her jug wobbling green schmatta she sported at last year’s Globes, and placed her firmly on our shortlist of the Best Dressed Gal! Then a breeze came whisping out of nowhere, and her flyaway hair practically leapt off her scalp! Jeez, Drew. You were doing so well. A little hairpin here and there wouldn’t have killed you. We still adore you.

Completely Lost
Evangeline Lilly
Has spending three seasons on that mysterious isle set your fashion sense back to the late 90s? What the hell is this crap? It resembles a PowerPoint presentation in chiffon.

Legally Dead to Us
Reese Witherspoon in Nina Ricci by Olivier Theyskens with Van Cleef & Arpels jewelry
First, we do think Reese is a talented actress. Perhaps the most talented comedienne of her generation. Deserving of her Oscar and various other awards last season for her terrific performance in “Walk the Line”. Now, can we start hating her fashion choices? The hair, is actually nice for once. Once. Nice. Not great. A little too Malibu Barbie, but it strangely suits her triangle shaped head for a change. Maybe if her head had walked onto the stage by itself last night, it would have been tolerable. But that cocktail dress is simply dishwater dull. Banana yellow with little flecks of white that resemble a too greedy dip into the coke bowl at a Lindsay Lohan slumber party. And is that belt braided? Why? WHY??? We don’t even care to mention the shoes that might have been interesting with the right dress, but suddenly become the focus of attention with their brazen hue and question mark loop-dee-loop. Thank God the gal is talented or we’d never forgive her.

“Move, You’re Stepping on Our Delicate Sensibilities.”
Beyoncé Knowles in Elie Saab

That’s not Elie Saab, it’s some leftover frock from one of Cher’s backup dancers by Bob Mackie, right? The male backup dancers. By now, if anybody expected Beyoncé to look classy at a public event they are deluded themselves more than the Globe voters that nominated her for Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy for her monotone delivery in “Dreamgirls”. When you decide to wear a frock that is cut up to your moneymaker and down to your belly button, you are practically begging for the public to leave their money on the dresser and kick you to the curb like the spotlight grabbing whore you appear to be. Don’t look at us for sympathy, we don’t speak to fallen women.

Do Not Adjust Your Screen . . .
Kate Winslet in Azzaro by Vanessa Seward with a Roger Vivier clutch.
Is there somebody actually standing in the middle of this picture or is that a reflection off the camera lens? Why on earth would a woman as white as an albino baby’s ass wear this? Kate, you may be an absurdly talented actress with a wicked sense of humor, but that doesn’t excuse the White Dwarf like qualities of this blander than bland frock. And no, the Ruby Red lipstick isn’t helping. You look like a Polar Bear with a nosebleed. And for God’s sake, ladies – spend the money and go to a hair stylist before a show!!

Cecil B. DeMentia Winner
Annette Benning and Warren Beatty

First of all, kudos to Annette Benning for being caught not once, but twice sucking down her glasses of wine each time they called her name out during the nominations. It was like her own little crazy version of the college “Bob Newhart” drinking game. “Annette Benning!”Warren, pass the vino, Mommy’s thirsty.” But how sad is it that a still attractive woman like Annette is opting for the Mother-of-the-Bride look? This dress was old and moldy back when hubby Warren made his debut in 1961. Maybe it was one of Natalie Wood, Joan Collins or Leslie Caron’s that Annette found balled up in the back seat of Warren’s vintage T-bird that been laying there like a cum stained Kleenex for the past forty five years after he fucked them silly. We don’t know or care at this point. And yes, Warren’s own patented brand of stuttering and stammering was cute when his ass was still tight as a drum, but now that he’s visibly leaking from every orifice his acceptance speech for the Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Globe was far too painful to watch without us downing a glass of wine every time he muttered: “Um” or “Uh”.

Giving the Devil Her Due
Meryl Streep in Carolina Herrara
First of all, it’s fine that Meryl won a Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy Globe for camping it up in drag for her ridiculously overpraised SUPPORTING turn in the lackluster “The Devil Wears Prada”, it is the Globes after all. Still, she was more entertaining and believable in her acceptance speech where she took a moment to thank all ten nominated actresses for their fine work (besides Beyoncé) this year. And she has a very good point. For the first time in many a year, this season has turned to be a terrific one for the distaff side. Now, here’s hoping the Oscars ignore Meryl in lieu of a completely unworthy fourteenth nomination and give it to a far more deserving gal!

“Ay, Chihuahua!” (Literally)
Salma Hayek in Dior by John Galliano with Chanel jewelry and Sergio Rossi shoes.

Salma, you are far too short and far too top heavy to be opting for the asymmetrical Greco Roman drape. You look like you overslept, woke up ten minutes prior to showtime, opted to grab the sheet which proceeded to get snagged on a rusty bedspring in the backroom of a brothel in Tijuana. (It could happen.)

Rhymes with . . .
Emily Blunt in Vintage Hervé Léger

Hervé Villechaize is more like it. We’re not sure which we despise more, this no talent twat or the dress that we can only describe as “Flesh Colored Ace Bandage”, which is exactly what the trunk of it looks like. Add a little frill around the top, and don’t worry your pretty little empty head about the bottom ‘cause we have miles and miles and miles and miles of gauze left. Thud.

"All Out of Love . . ."
Chloë Sevigny in Vintage Yves Saint Laurent and Bulgari jewels
Ginnifer Goodwin in Dolce & Gabbana with a Swarovski clutch and Leviev jewels
Jeanne Tripplehorn in Giambattista Valli with Fred Leighton jewels
The three second string talents to be found on cable’s “Big Love”. We actually think Chloë looks ravishing in the Vintage Yves Saint Laurent . . . if she were sipping cocktails on the terrace in St. Tropez in 1972. Ginnifer should sue Dolce & Gabbana for giving her a wrinkled dress. And the less said about Jeanne Tripplehorn, the better.

“Oh My God, I’m Still Surprised!”
Sarah Jessica Parker in L’Wren Scott with Christian Louboutin bag and Fred Leighton jewels
The four time Golden Globe winner who faked her way to being surprised each time she won . . . seriously, bitch if you’re nominated you have a one in five chance: figure it out! Anyway, she returns to pay homage to the only people who actually found her talented in her overlong career. “What Matthew, the Hollywood Foreign Press called . . . again! I’m so surprised! It finally gives me an excuse to use this tablethrow you bought at the Pier 1 “Home Clearance Sale”! I’m surprising myself!” Thud.

Still, some gals did indeed try to dust themselves off and maintain a modicum of decency. We just adore Naomi Watts, especially in her recent turn in "The Painted Veil" and loved her choice of color - the less said about the bedazzling the better. And thank God that this year’s Miss Golden Globe (That age old tradition is the best part of the Globes for us.), was a tad more camera worthy than little Miss Eastwood last year.

Miss Golden Globe is Lorraine Nicholson!
The love child of Jack and Rebecca Broussard managed to maintain her composure amidst the hooplah. But next time Lorraine, hold your head up higher! Smile, you’re on camera! (Her fast sister must hate her genetic luck.)

We Need this Hero!
Milo Ventimiglia
No real reason to include him here, it certainly isn't for his latest work on "Heroes", which we just can't be bothered to watch on a regular basis, unless Milo's power involves teleporting through our television set stark naked into our living rooms. Ahem. Where were we?
He’s Spartacus!
The Best Chin Dimple since Kirk’s heyday! Aaron Eckhart dazzled us with his humpy shit eating grin. Congrats on your nomination for “Thank You for Smoking!”, which thankfully drowned out your less than grand turn in “The Black Dahlia”. Still, that neo Noir had some worthy moments, especially in Hilary Swank’s surprisingly steamy lesbo Femme Fatale.

The Black Dahlia, Part II
Hilary Swank in Chanel Haute Couture

One of the better dressed pretty young things, is obviously still smitten with her 1940s drag turn and maintained the inspiration to appear in a less than stunning, but still “pretty” black frock. Now, if she can just avoid the real “Dahlia”s fate, her future might be safe to portray more poor white trash and cop a few more Oscars.

Looking Bad is the Worst Revenge
Cameron Diaz in Valentino
After getting dumped by Mr. “Sexyback”, or dumping him . . . we honestly don’t care, Cameron decides she can toss her fashion sense, talent and sensibilities out the fucking limo window and show up wearing the remnants of that coffee filter smock that appeared in last season’s “Project Runway”. Slap on a black toupee and call it a day!

I Only Have 105lbs of Baby Fat to Go!
Heidi Klum in Givenchy Haute Couture
Okay, she’s not fat. Yes, we know she just squeezed out another mulatto baby. Surely her figure isn’t that racked with jiggling bits and loose flaps that she needs to drape herself in the main sail of a private yacht?
The Old Face of Even Older Julia
Julia Louis Dreyfus

Help Me!”

Live From the Trailer Park Nearest the Beverly Hilton
Jason Lee
, who is so delightful in the NBC sitcom “My Name is Earl” clearly employs the “Method” technique by escorting his Baby’s Momma Beth Riesgraf whose sense of fashion is one cement block away from the welfare line.

The Big, Fat, Old Mermaid
Nicolette Sheridan
You know, we have to give this harridan credit for sticking to her “Mermaid Dress” look despite the loud complaints of the entire viewing audience. It’s not like she was ever particularly talented or that attractive. Well maybe back in the day she had a certain kind of pneumatic bedspring quality that allowed her to develop her miserable career. But when hookers point and laugh at you, Nic, it’s time to drop the attempt at old school glamour and own up to your age and tone it down a notch or two. Besides, we’ve said it before and we’ll say it again, the only woman in history to look good in a “Mermaid” silhouette is this one.

We Stand Corrected
Katherine Heigl, the former alien and now fulltime second stringer is actually looking fairly pulled together in a boring but polished tribute to the glamorous gals of yore. We appreciate the coiffed hair, the full face, the nails and the dress that fits. It may be a skootch dramatic, but she managed to walk the carpet well in it and is not embarrassing herself or her castmates. Speaking of which:

Anatomically Incorrect
Ellen Pompeo in Versace with Fred Leighton jewels

Well, um . . . it’s interesting? Is that a giant loose thread and if we yank it, will you completely unravel into a little pile of bleached bones? Yes, it’s shocking how nauseatingly thin she is. No, we don’t care if she’s bulimic, anorexic or digitally morphed. She remains a sad sack of bones.

So, of course her show ends up copping the Best TV Drama Globes by which point we had nodded off into a coma like stupor that even McDreamy and McSteamy couldn’t wake us from. By the time the Governator showed up hobbled and puffy and pitiably yanking out his catchphrase from the 80s . . . yes, he actually closed the show with “We’ll be back”. Crickets. Again.

At least some truly talented folks like Dame Helen, Martin Scorsese, Clint Eastwood and one of this year’s Mexican AuteursAlejandro González Iñárritu for the wonderfully intense “Babel” managed to emerge victorious. "Babel"s win for Best Motion Picture Drama didn’t surprise us in the least, since we hear tell that many close relatives of the Hollywood Foreign Press actually appeared as the goat herders in the Moroccan scenes - and some as the goats themselves! To which we have nothing else to add but a hearty "And to you, peace. Le bas?" Bless you all!

The 64th Annual Golden Globe Awards – List of Winners

Motion Pictures
Best Motion Picture - Drama
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama
Helen Mirren – The Queen
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama
Forest Whitaker – The Last King Of Scotland
Best Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy
Meryl Streep – The Devil Wears Prada
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy
Sacha Baron Cohen – Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan
Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Jennifer Hudson – Dreamgirls
Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Eddie Murphy – Dreamgirls
Best Animated Feature Film
Best Foreign Language Film
Letters From Iwo Jima (Japan, United States)
Best Director - Motion Picture
Martin Scorsese – The Departed
Best Screenplay - Motion Picture
The Queen written by Peter Morgan
Best Original Score - Motion Picture
The Painted Veil composed by Alexandre Desplat
Best Original Song - Motion Picture
"The Song Of The Heart" – Happy FeetMusic & Lyrics By: Prince Rogers Nelson

Best Television Series - Drama
Grey's Anatomy (ABC)
Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series - Drama
Kyra Sedgwick – The Closer (TNT)
Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series - Drama
Hugh Laurie – House (FOX)
Best Television Series - Musical Or Comedy
Ugly Betty (ABC)
Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series - Musical Or Comedy
America Ferrera – Ugly Betty (ABC)
Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series - Musical Or Comedy
Alec Baldwin – 30 Rock (NBC)
Best Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made for Television
Elizabeth I (HBO)
Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Helen Mirren – Elizabeth I (HBO)
Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Bill Nighy – Gideon's Daughter (BBC)
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Emily Blunt – Gideon's Daughter (BBC)
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Jeremy Irons – Elizabeth I (HBO)
Cecil B. DeMille Award
Warren Beatty



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